


A Chance Lost

by silverneko9lives0



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), Sibling Rivalry, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-03-16 23:45:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 29
Words: 47,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3507107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverneko9lives0/pseuds/silverneko9lives0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-Hobbit. </p><p>Five years after the Battle of the Five Armies, Thorin starts thinking about Bilbo again, wondering if its too late to right wrongs with his lost love.</p><p>For the Hobbit Kink Meme. Full prompt inside.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I add this at risk of spoilers...
> 
> Based on this prompt from the Hobbit Kink Meme:
> 
> It's been a few years since the Battle. The rebuilding of Erebor is continuing on at a brisk pace. Dwarves are returning, ready to reclaim their land. Thorin, now King, finds himself troubled. His mind is increasingly drifting to memories of their exiled burglar. He finds himself wondering about Bilbo and maybe what could've been. His nephews, realizing the potential, encourage him to write to Bilbo. Thorin does and sends it off. He doesn't expect a reply, but a reply comes. Bilbo's letter is friendly, but guarded. A correspondence blossoms. Bilbo remains guarded, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. It takes a little prodding to get him to reveal his secret. Bilbo is now married. To a dwarf. A dwarf who once lived in Erebor. Said dwarf would like to see Erebor, but isn't sure how they'd be received. Somewhat heartbroken, but curious, Thorin sends a delegation to the Shire. His sister heads the convoy. While they're gone, he orders preparations. He somewhat hopes that he can show up this spouse of Bilbo's. The delegation returns sooner than expected. Thorin and his court wait at the Gates. He takes one look at Dis to know something is wrong. It's when he meets Bilbo's spouse that he realizes why.

~February, 2942~

~The Misty Mountains~

He was losing consciousness, but he struggled to stay awake, blinking away at the blood to watch as his rescuer threw Gollum over the edge of the mountain. Whether that did anything to the foul creature, he did not know. Perhaps it was for the best…

It didn’t change that his heart clenched at the loss of life, even as his savior crouched over him.

_Thorin?_

It looked like Thorin, but the sheen of his hair was lighter. Golden.

_Fili?_

“You’ll be all right now,” the Dwarf said, sounding more akin to Thorin than to Fili. “Don’t fall asleep.”

~June, 2947~

~Erebor~

Have you seen a bee hive?

Or perhaps an ant hill?

Have you seen how hard such small creatures work, working in tandem to help the whole thrive?

It’s magnificent. And of all the sentient beings in existence, none really seemed to work in such splendor and rhythm as the Dwarves of Erebor.

Though the memory of the dragon remained ever in the Dwarves’ minds, no outsider would have guessed that Erebor had _ever_ been overrun by the beast.

New tapestries hung in the halls of kings and the Arkenstone laid in its place on the newly carved throne. A beacon of both hope and ruin, but still the great symbol of their people despite the wrath it wrought. It’s sheen cast an ever changing halo over the king’s head and crown.

The tapestries told of their great king’s quest to reclaim the mountain.

The first, was of a meeting in a small home in the West where thirteen Dwarves, a Wizard, and a Hobbit gathered. The second told of trolls, the third of goblins, the fourth, the bear-man living on the borders of the wild, and so on.

The Hobbit, was often depicted beside the king in most of the tapestries, a figure of grandeur and bravery, curly toes as golden as the hair on his head.

Beside the king’s throne was one for the queen-sister. It was a system that worked before and had continued to work still. To his right would stand the heir and to his sister’s left, the second-born. Such was how they were.

The throne hall had once been dark as a chasm, even before the dragon. Such was supposedly done to emphasize the beauty of the Arkenstone.

Not so now. Silver veins and firelight brought light into the room, making it a livelier place.

The queen-sister nudged her elbow against her brother’s. He tore his gaze away from one of the tapestries to glower at her. “You’re spacing out again,” she hissed, unfazed by his stare.

They stood and approached Dain, who embraced Thorin tightly before turning to Dis and kissing her hand, clasping her smaller hand in both of his. “Erebor is looking better than it last did,” Dain said. “Now what is this about a summer festival?”

“Well, why not?” Dis said, shrugging. “We aren’t so mad that we can’t enjoy time outside. The Desolation is starting to at last become the meadow and forest it once was. Is that not fair enough reason? Mahal has blessed us and his blessings have reached Kaminzabdûna. What better way to honor her own blessings than by spending it among her creations?”

Dain hummed, clasping his hands behind his back. “I cede the argument to you, Lady Dis,” he said, bowing. “You’ve no objections, Thorin?”

“No. Why would I?” he asked. “All the company will be there, of course.”

Fili cleared his throat. “Not all.”

Dis frowned. “He refused again.”

“We had told him that what happened between him and Thorin is forgotten, but…” Kili shrugged.

Dis’ lips pursed in a frown. She had wanted many times to go and meet the Hobbit that had ensured the life of her brother and sons. Instead, she had been roped into helping Thorin rule yet again. The Hobbit’s absence was weighing on all of the company, but still he refused to put minds to ease.

She had, as well, taken correspondence with him and happened to like the easy nature of her talks with the Hobbit. He was clever and witty and always a willing ear for diplomacy.

He would be well suited better in Erebor than in the Shire anyway, given the nature of their talks, it seemed. While she seemed disappointed and annoyed with Bilbo’s continued resistance, Thorin’s gaze grew blank to those who did not know how to read him.

Dis squeezed his shoulder. “He can’t stay angry at you forever, Thorin,” she whispered to him when Dain moved off to greet Fili and Kili.

Thorin blinked. “He’d be a fool to forgive me, even if his ire ebbed. I wouldn’t. I haven’t.” He sucked in a breath and released it through his teeth. “Regardless of his presence, we will enjoy the festival. If he doesn’t wish to come, there is nothing we can do.”

Dis nodded. “At least he helped with planning the festival,” she muttered to herself. Much of what will happen at the festival outside the mountain was based on Hobbit festivals and parties. He added a few religious significances as well. Aided to please Kaminzabdûna in the way of her own creations.

“We’ll keep trying to get him to come back,” Kili said.

To whom, Dis did not know, but if anything, Durin’s folk did not give up on their friends. She patted her son’s shoulder.

“That we will, kandith,” she said, smiling at him. “He can’t say ‘no’ forever.”

“You underestimate his stubbornness,” Fili said. “But aye, we’ll keep trying, right uncle?”

Four pairs of eyes fitted themselves on Thorin, who looked around. “You may, if you like,” he said. “But I doubt he will come.”

“Don’t be so negative!” Dis snapped. Dain backed her with a _hear, hear_ which mostly went ignored. “Have you even _tried_ to talk to him since? I doubt it.”

“Maybe if you asked, he’d say yes,” Fili said.

“You still love him, after all,” Kili added. “Maybe he hasn’t stopped loving you either. It’s been a few years, he might take kindly to hearing from you again. It’s too late to make up for the summer festival, but maybe Durin’s Day…”

“That is asking a lot and he would have to move quickly,” Thorin said. “I’ll leave invitations to you, Kili.”

“Doesn’t mean you can’t write him,” Dis said. “Why not ask? I’m sure he would not reject a letter.”

 _And what would I say?_ Thorin asked. “I’ll think about it,” he said. “Is that enough for now?”Dis nodded and group of servants wheeled in food and a table for the five of them, calling a break for lunch before the afternoon assemblies.

#

 

> _Bilbo Baggins_
> 
> _Bag End_
> 
> _Underhill_
> 
> _Dear Bilbo,_
> 
> _It has been many seasons since last we spoke and this, it feels like, is a poor substitute._
> 
> _Your presence is much missed in Erebor and you would do well to be here to see our work if nothing else._ _Dis will likely tell you of how the festival went and I will leave that to her. It was her planning mostly, anyway._
> 
> _How are you, specifically? You aren’t held up by ill health are you? (Kili is worried that that is why you refuse to come, though I’m sure he’s already asked and you’ve assured him likewise.)_
> 
> _Likely, you refuse because of me and for that, I am sorry._
> 
> _I am so sorry for everything, Bilbo. You have always deserved better than I am, and I had hoped acquiring Erebor would make me worthy of you. It did not and I have long wished to be able to tell you how deep my remorse is._
> 
> _This will have to do._
> 
> _I expect I will not hear from you, regardless._
> 
> _Sincerely and dearly,_
> 
> _Thorin Oakenshield_
> 
> _King under the Mountain_

Thorin set the quill down and stood, wiping his fingers on linen to rid them of the ink and to let it dry. Roac preened his feathers in the corner while he waited for Thorin to give him the letter. Whether it’d be answered or not, he could not say, and he was not sure if he knew what would happen now that he reached out.

Perhaps he’d never hear from Bilbo once the letter reached him.

Perhaps he would. Perhaps Bilbo would tell him he had some nerve even bothering to reach out to him. Or perhaps he’d tell Thorin that there was nothing to be done about it and forgiveness was impossible…

After the letter dried, Thorin sent Roac off, his appetite gone and heart in his throat.

~Mid-Summer, 2947~

 

> _Dear Thorin,_
> 
> _It is so wonderful to hear from you!_
> 
> _I would have loved to have heard more about how life is treating you. But it seems that will have to wait._
> 
> _I forgave you some time ago and thought you didn’t write because you were still cross with me, of all things. Seems we still do not know each other as well as we thought._ _But even without an apology, I have forgiven you and only wish now to mend our friendship._
> 
> _In truth, I am still not sure if I want to return to Erebor, though I do wish I could have attended the summer festival Dis had planned._
> 
> _(Your sister is remarkable. I’d like to see her with some of my relatives! That would be funny!)_
> 
> _As for my health, no I am not ill. There is nothing holding me back save my own distaste for traveling. One trek through Middle Earth has been quite enough for me._
> 
> _You are, as I have said, always welcome at Bag End._
> 
> _Deepest regards,_
> 
> _Bilbo Baggins_

Thorin grinned at the paper. It was better than he hoped.

* * *

 

~Khuzdul~

Kaminzabdûna=Yavanna

Kandith=wolf that is young.


	2. Chapter 2

In the following months, Thorin’s mood improved greatly. Well, to say improved may be an overstatement. He was more attentive during council, though his gaze still occasionally drifted to the nearest tapestry with Bilbo’s silhouette. Dis mentioned that he brooded less, which to her was a godsend if ever there was one.

And his new correspondence with Bilbo, well, there were few things that truly brought a smile to his lips. Each letter Bilbo sent was carefully read and reread with the tenderness of a lover.

“You think he might be able to convince him to visit?” Kili asked, setting a stack of papers on Fili’s desk. Fili glared at him and took the topmost piece of parchment.

“It wouldn’t expect anything immediate, but I think he could do it.” He set it in front of him. “In the meantime, I would much appreciate it if you helped me with this—”

“Can’t. Got archers to train. Gotta go!” Kili closed the door behind him, snickering to himself as Fili cursed from inside. Perhaps it was a little cruel, but as little brothers are wont to do: he didn’t particularly care.

#

“You’re in a good mood,” Dis said as she and Thorin left the council room for dinner. “Has another letter arrived?”

“Aye,” Thorin said, hand coming to rest over his breast pocket. He caught himself halfway and lowered it. “I’ve not the time to read it yet. Perhaps he’ll agree to come back to Erebor this time.”

“Let’s hope. He is good for you, Thorin. I had hoped that you’d find your One someday—”

Thorin glared at her. “Dis, can you _not_ draw attention to that?”

“It is true.”

“I had wronged him. Even if I have his forgiveness I have not his love.”

“Have you asked?”

“I do not think that would be appropriate,” Thorin admitted.

“So you don’t think he deserves to know you still love him?” Dis asked, arching a brow.

“It is not that, more I’m afraid. Hobbits do not approach love the same as Dwarves, Dis. Even if I could tell him that I still love him, it is likely he does not feel the same for me anymore.”

Dis hummed. “How about you try it subtly. He loved you once. Tell him you often think of the time you had together. That way, you aren’t really telling him you love him, but he knows you are thinking of him. Give it a try.”

Thorin wasn’t sure if it would do anything save shut Bilbo out. But so far, his family’s advice in this—and other matters—had been helpful…

#

 

> _Dear Thorin,_
> 
> _As I have said, many things keep me from returning to Erebor, though I admit, it is wearisome to keep refusing you, the company, and your sister. Please understand that returning to Erebor isn’t something I take lightly. It requires much preparation and planning, I’m sure you know. As it is, my duty currently keeps me in the Shire though I would like nothing more than to come back to Erebor._
> 
> _That beside, this winter was surprisingly mild. There was hardly any snowfall, which Hobbits such as me who had seen the Fell Winter are very thankful for. Will you be having another summer festival? If you indeed are planning it, let me know so I can send a couple traditional dishes to Bombur to make then. I had forgotten to do that last year though I had been assured its success._
> 
> _Apart from my duties in the Shire, it is spectacularly dull, though I am told by some that the dullness makes it easier to relax. I suppose I am a bit restless these days. I and a few friends intend to go to Mithlond for a bit. Just a short trip to stretch our legs and get out of the Shire for a bit._
> 
> _I’ll tell you what that’s like when I get back._
> 
> _Other than that, two of my cousins are getting married as soon as spring settles in. It may still be a bit brisk here, but could be worse._
> 
> _I look forward to hearing from you again._
> 
> _Sincerely,_
> 
> _Bilbo_

Well, at least weddings were a good reason to stay behind just a little more. He couldn’t say he was pleased to hear that Bilbo was headed for Mithlond later, but he couldn’t begrudge the sight of the ocean and the beach.

He gathered his stationary and a quill.

 

> _Dear Bilbo,_
> 
> _I am glad to hear that the winter had been kind to you and I will let Bombur know you intend to send some recipes over to him. I’m sure he would be quite happy to receive something to cook for the Mountain’s summer festival. Indeed, it was such a success last summer that it would be foolish to deny the people another one._
> 
> _It is a pity your duties keep you away. Perhaps you could pass them on to someone, even just temporarily, and come to Erebor for Durin’s Day next fall._
> 
> _I think you would like Mithlond, though I am loathe to admit it. Make sure to see the ocean, but take care not to be swept off by the waves. They are quite strong and I know you are not a strong swimmer. Unless, of course, that has changed._
> 
> _I send my regards to your cousins and pray their marriage will be blessed._
> 
> _We all miss you, Bilbo, which you must have gathered from all the invitations to return you get regularly._
> 
> _If I may be frank, my mind often wanders to memories of you. Your wit. Your smile. All of it. I know I have not the right to speak it, but—and I may be mad for this! I am unworthy to even speak it, let alone write it—I still love you, Bilbo. I always have and I miss you._
> 
> _I know I have wronged you, and I know you have forgiven me, but I do not think I can forgive myself for how I treated you. You’re absence is like an everlasting ache and I know I do not deserve even that. Even if you do not love me anymore, I would at least like to at least be friends again. Do not think you are unwelcome in Erebor._
> 
> _Don’t ever think that._
> 
> _Please come back._
> 
> _Thorin_

Dis was going to kill him. This was not what she suggested and yet it just…came out. He leaned back in his seat, watching the ink dry.

Should he send it?

Thorin sucked in a breath. _I’ll send it._

#

Winter turned to spring, and still he waited for Bilbo’s reply. Thorin feared he had been too raw in his confession and maybe frightened him away from further correspondence. Dis looked like she wanted to call him an idiot, but instead, offered comfort.

 _It could be worse_ , he tried to remind himself. _What if he died at Mithlond?! Get a bloody hold over yourself!_

Before summer, a new package of letters, tied by a string, arrived.

It was passed around to their recipients at the breakfast table and Thorin, having two, opened the first. It was a restating of events that had happened. Mithlond. The wedding. The summer festival that is being planned in the Shire. It was pretty much the same contents as the other letters they received.

He set it aside and picked up the second letter. With a deep breath, he began to read.

 

> _Thorin,_
> 
> _Forgive me for not writing sooner. You had startled me with that confession, though to be honest, I sort of got the feeling that you still held me in such regard. I’m flattered, but I think it is time to make it clear:_
> 
> _I consider you still a dear friend, but I’m afraid it is too late to try your hand again._
> 
> _I’m married, Thorin. Perhaps I should have made myself plain before. I had not intended to lead you to believe that anything more could happen. I am sorry._
> 
> _I have kept it secret, or tried to, as my husband is supposed to be dead, or so his family believes. He figured it’d be better for them if they thought so, though I’m quite sure he is wrong…_

“Thorin?” Dis placed her hand on his shoulder. “What is it?”

He looked up. The company stared at him. Thorin stood. “Forgive me, I have lost my appetite and will see you tonight,” he promised before gathering his letters and leaving, walking a bit faster than usual. Dis followed, calling after him.

Of course she would. If anyone could pick up his moods and weather them without fear, it was her. Thorin entered his office and locked the door.

“Thorin?! _Nadad_! What is wrong? Thorin, you can’t just lock yourself away when things don’t go the way you think. What did Bilbo say? _Thorin_!”

He ignored her, sliding to the ground.

_I’m married._

Thorin shook his head, praying that it was a cruel trick. But it was Bilbo. He wouldn’t lie about this.

Would he?

#

“ _Amad_ ,” Fili greeted with a slight bow of his head. “Is he coming?”

“No,” Dis said, sounding rather ragged. “Whatever that letter said, it has certainly upset him enough to lock himself in his room and even go as far as to start breaking the furniture. Fili, promise me that you won’t just run away from your problems like your uncle does.”

“I’m sure it’s not like that, _Amad_ ,” Fili said. “But it was Bilbo. He did say he had confessed rather than allude to his feelings. I suppose we’ll learn what he said to Thorin when Thorin is able to speak of it. I can’t say I don’t feel sorry for Uncle, since I am, but I also can’t say that I’m surprised…”

He had a dark look on his face as the memories of that day surfaced. Kili forgave easier than Fili did. Fili was more like his uncle in that way. Unrelenting of those who wrong him and his family, even if it were his own kin. But unlike his mother, uncle, and brother, his anger was a quiet sort.

Dis took his shoulder. “Neither am I,” she said. “But regardless what happened that day, he is still your uncle. Have a little mercy for him, _buntelith._ He is still your uncle, regardless your thoughts of his character sometimes. He may very well need us before the end.”

#

Thorin picked up the letter again, unsure if he could read it…unsure if he was calm enough to read it and allow himself to be tormented further…

With a shaking breath, he looked at it again.

 

> _…I am quite sure he is wrong._
> 
> _To be honest, we would like to go to Erebor, where he hails. I only write this because he has permitted me to do so, otherwise I would tell you I had married and would leave it at that. He fought in Azanulbizar and was gravely wounded. His companions presumed he was dead and almost burned him alive…_

Thorin covered his mouth with his hand, feeling ill. A survivor of Azanulbizar?! A Dwarf?! And they almost killed him!

 

> _…He does not hold any resentment for that. He was quite out of it and didn’t notice anything until he was already in the mass grave. He doesn’t blame anyone that they didn’t realize he was alive. He had lived in the Misty Mountains since until five years ago when he saved my life and Gandalf’s._
> 
> _I will spare you those details save that it pertained to my magic ring._
> 
> _He wants to come home, but as I said, he is unsure of how he’d be received. His identity will be kept secret for now, by his request._
> 
> _Thorin, I am sorry and you probably didn’t get through the entirety of this letter due to the shock of it. Do not think that because I have fallen in love with another that I do not cherish the time we spent together because I do. Truly, I do and I had believed I would not love another at that time._
> 
> _As it is, my husband makes me happy and I am glad to call him mine._
> 
> _With that in mind, I hope you’ll forgive me for deceiving you like this. I had not intended you to find out this way and for that, I am sorry._
> 
> _Ever your friend,_
> 
> _Bilbo_

Thorin sucked in a breath and gathered a piece of parchment and an unbroken quill.

 

> _Bilbo,_
> 
> _Any survivor of Azanulbizar is welcome in Erebor. I am sure his family would like to know he lives._
> 
> _The invitation still stands._
> 
> _Thorin._

* * *

 

~Khuzdul~

Nadad=brother

Amad=mother

Buntelith=young Cat of all cats (could not find lion, or I would have used that…)


	3. Chapter 3

~Five Years Ago~

The first thing Bilbo remembered was crossing the mountain and yellow hair. His head pounded like mad and the light hurt his eyes—what little there was of it, anyway.

“Are you awake?”

“I think so. Unless I’m dead,” Bilbo said.

This was met with a chuckle.

“I promise you are not dead, though you took a blow to the head. The wizard is all right, too, before you ask. He sleeps still and that may be a good thing.”

Bilbo eased up and braced himself at the sudden dizziness. He looked at the other man.

He did look like a blond version of Thorin, or more like Fili. He couldn’t tell which. He always assumed Fili took after his father, but perhaps not…

“You’re a Dwarf,” Bilbo stated. He nodded, then turned, tugging at his hood as if to hide something. “Have you an injury?”

“An old one,” the Dwarf said. “I am Frerin son of Thrain. What name do you go by and what manner of creature are you? You’re not a Dwarf.”

“No, I’m a Hobbit. My name is Bilbo Baggins.”

“Baggins? Are you a grocer?”

Bilbo glared at him. “I’m a—well, I was a—” He averted his gaze to his hands and swallowed. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not that anymore. I’ll likely just go back to who I was before I left my home. I’m heading back now. Or I was.”

Frerin approached and sat on the edge of the bed. Bilbo looked up and noticed healed skin, bumpy and ragged over his face.

“Rest. It matters not to me what your profession is. Only that you get back to your home safely. I’ll see you and the wizard over the mountains.”

“Have you a brother?” Bilbo asked. “Named Thorin?”

Frerin froze. “I did. Once. You know him?”

“I did. Once,” Bilbo mimed, arching a brow at Frerin, who snorted.

“You’re funny when you wish to be, aren’t you?”

“I wasn’t trying to be funny.”

Frerin still smiled at him even through Bilbo’s glower. Bilbo huffed and looked out the window. It was a blizzard outside and the glass rattled.

“Worry not,” Frerin said. “Each window is triple-paned. They won’t break easily.”

“How long have they lasted?”

“These ones have been set in place for about fifty years since I moved here. Orcs found my last home. Had to evacuate. Still, that was no Orc that attacked you. What was it?”

“I don’t know, but it was awful.” Frerin hummed.

Bilbo looked at him.

“Look, I know you’re fishing, but I’m not a fish you can easily ensnare. I’m not—”

“You’re more like a rabbit, I think, than a fish.”

Bilbo glared at him. “And you’re as rude as your brother.”

“Well, that’s a pity,” Frerin said. “I always considered myself the suave one. But then again, it’s either I be charming or I torture you and I’d hate to hurt such a pretty thing.”

“I’m male.”

“So you can’t be pretty?”

“Several of my company assumed I was a woman of my kind because I lacked a beard.”

“Ah. Yes. That would cause some trouble for my kin, would it? We do tend to make assumptions of other people based on their beards, don’t we, but then again…you’re feet have quite a bit of hair.”

“Yes, as I said: I’m a Hobbit. My feet are supposed to look like that.”

Frerin hummed again and tilted his head to the side. Bilbo cleared his throat, wanting to put as much distance between him and Frerin.

He hadn’t anything against him, but…well, he was asking some rather invasive questions, but then again, if he’d lived here in isolation for the last century or so, then he couldn’t be blamed for being a bit inappropriate.

“Can I touch them?”

“What?”

“Your feet?”

“Absolutely not!” Bilbo snapped. Frerin pouted. “How would you like it if I asked to touch your hair?”

He moved away. “Apologies.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“You are a suspicious Hobbit.”

“And you’re as intrusive as your brother!” Bilbo snapped. “You’re more like him than you care to admit! And it’s unnerving for me. So if you please, just _stop_.”

Frerin frowned and backed off. “I’m sorry. I’ll bring you something to eat. I’m afraid there’s not much, but I have some eggs.”

He turned his back to Bilbo and for that, Bilbo was grateful. He hid his face in his knees and bit his lip. He was too much like Thorin. Far too much. Oh, there were significant differences between Thorin and Frerin, but still, the way he acted was…

It was almost too similar to Thorin in some ways.

Intrusive, brutally honest…

Bilbo bit his lip and closed his eyes. Tears spilled past his lashes.

_“I love you,” he said, pressing a kiss to Bilbo’s shoulder._

_Bilbo stared at the wall, frowning._

_Thorin tightened his hold around his waist. “When the mountain is ours, I will court you properly.” Still, he feigned sleep, biting his lip._

_Thorin kissed his shoulder again and nuzzled his neck._

He wished he had said something that night. Maybe he’d still be with Thorin then. Maybe the Sickness wouldn’t have taken hold of him so easily.

He sniffed, fisting the sheets

“Here,” Frerin said, laying a plate on the table beside Bilbo. “Eat it while it’s hot. I don’t know what happened to you, but…”

“Thank you,” Bilbo snapped, wiping his eyes. “Just, please, leave me alone. I’m not that keen on company right now.” Frerin stepped back and went to check on Gandalf while Bilbo ate. They might have been good if not for how his tight throat made everything taste like ash.

#

“You’d be glad to know that Erebor is back in your family’s hold,” Gandalf said once he was lucid, sipping an herbal tea Frerin had made. “Thorin now sits as king, or will be when his wounds heal. And your sister is readying the people to return home.”

“How is she? My sister?” Frerin asked.

“Married and widowed. Her sons had gone with Thorin, and they are well.”

“Rats. I had hoped to be there to give her suitor a piece of my mind.”

“I believe Thorin sufficed in the end,” Gandalf chuckled. “It would do you good to return to Erebor, Frerin.” Frerin froze. “You must want to. Or am I wrong?”

“You’re not,” Frerin said. Bilbo looked at him. “I would like to return home, but I don’t think I’ll be well received. How would I be recognized?” He touched the scarred side of his face. “Thorin and Dis won’t know me.”

“You are their brother, Frerin. They will know you and they have missed you greatly. You could both return,” Gandalf said, arching a brow at Bilbo. Bilbo shook his head.

“I’m banished, remember? Like it or not, Gandalf, I’m not going to be able to return, and I’m not sure I’ll ever want to.”

“Thorin was not in his right mind, Bilbo.”

“I know, but as much as I want to believe…it’s too soon, Gandalf.” He touched his throat. “I’m…well, I don’t think I’d make a suitable consort to a king anyway.”

Frerin stared at him. “You and Thorin?”

Bilbo met his gaze. “Is that such a shock? Or does it disgust you?”

“Neither,” Frerin said. “I only hoped Thorin would meet someone who could make him smile again, even laugh. He became far too dour for my liking, you see. I simply didn’t think it would be someone of a different race. He always sought to find the worst in everyone he met. Not a very trustful person.”

Bilbo smiled. “He insulted the Lord of Rivendell.”

Frerin laughed. “He would do that! What did the Lord of Rivendell do?”

“Invite us to dinner and served only salad.”

Frerin threw his head back, laughing harder. “Oh, I must meet this lord some day!”

“We were headed that way when we were ambushed,” Gandalf said. “You are welcome to come with us. I daresay you’ve lived in isolation too long. It must get to you, Frerin.”

“There are the travelers who cross here sometimes. If I can, I lead them over the mountains in exchange for stories of what goes on beyond the mountains. And a bit of food. It’s not that bad, even if it does get lonely sometimes.”

“I think you would do well to go to the Shire,” Gandalf said. “Bilbo could put you up for a bit, eh?”

“What?” Bilbo said. “He’s a Dwarf! You are mad if you think my people will—no offense, Frerin, I don’t mean it like that. It’s just that my relatives and countrymen are quite…well…”

“Xenophobic?”

“I’m afraid so. We aren’t fond of Men or Dwarves, but we get on all right with Elves. And that’s it.”

“Sounds fun.”

“Well, if you want, I won’t stop you from coming, but do consider yourself warned.”

“Forewarned and forearmed,” Frerin said. “Besides the xenophobic countrymen of yours, is the Shire a nice place?”

“Ah…yes. Perhaps a bit too peaceful. Unchanging. Worst you got to deal with is the gossiping.”

“Not much different from when I was a prince, then. And I’d like to meet the Elf who stuck it to my brother while still being dreadfully polite despite Thorin’s idiocy.”

Bilbo sighed. “It’s your funeral.”

“Good,” Gandalf said. “Can I trust you’ll be ready to depart in the morning?”

“I’d be ready tonight,” Frerin said, winking at Bilbo, who rolled his eyes and finished his tea.


	4. Chapter 4

Unlike Thorin, who had been nothing but rude to the Elves when they had been this way last, Frerin was charming and surprisingly polite, laughing with Elrond about Thorin and other things that had happened.

“I had never guessed that the herder of the mountain would be a Dwarf.”

“Is that what I’m called? Quite a name for a guide,” Frerin said, arching a brow over wine. He still wore his hood and subconsciously tugged it down.

“You’re reputation and benevolence has preceded you, Frerin son of Thrain,” Elrond said. “I had wondered at your identity many times and had hoped to meet you someday. It is a strange coincidence you did not run into your brother.”

“Coincidence or fate, I am grateful for it. Not because I do not wish to see him, you understand, but because I know my brother. He carries enough weight on his shoulders. I don’t think I would want to see him now and have him realize he almost burned me alive. It would be his downfall.”

Bilbo pursed his lips around his glass of wine, feeling his eyes prick. It was true, but now he could see there was a bit of conflict for him. Frerin had said before that his relatives would not recognize him and therefore possibly not welcome him. Now he said that they would but his self-imposed banishment was to protect them from further heartache.

Which was it?

How would Frerin react to Thorin’s gold madness?

Let alone what Bilbo did to lose favor with Thorin?

There were so many questions and so many scenarios that Bilbo wasn’t sure which to begin with. He didn’t know Frerin, but he was curious. He _wanted_ to know what led him to become the Dwarf he is today—other than the obvious, of course.

“—Master Baggins?”

Bilbo looked up. “What? Sorry, I was lost in thought.”

“I did not expect to see you so soon. I believed you would likely stay in Erebor after your quest.”

“Well, as you can see, I did not. The Shire is my home, so it is better for me to simply return, I think.”

“I see,” Elrond said, seeming to know _exactly_ what was really on Bilbo’s mind. “I hope you find the peace you desire, I do not believe it is found in any land or house.”

Bilbo hummed and drank more wine before dismissing himself for bed.

He could feel eyes watching him and he ignored them. Once back in his room, he locked the door and crouched down, hiding his face between his knees, and wept.

_Please forgive me. I did the only thing I could think of to do. I love you, Thorin. I love you, so please forgive me. Don’t make me sacrifice everything for you only to amount to nothing._

#

“You always hide your face,” Bilbo said. “But from what I see, it’s quite normal.”

Frerin tugged at the hood again. “It’s nothing an Elf would understand. They don’t see glory in wounds like Men or Dwarves do. Men would understand, as would my people, but I tend to avoid Dwarves if I can. Makes it easier to stay dead when your own people don’t know you still live.”

“I suppose that makes sense. And I think Elves would understand more than my own people would. And to be honest,” Bilbo turned his head so the back of it faced Frerin and he parted his hair.

“How’d you survive a wound like this?”

“I suppose it was better than it looks,” he said. “My people will never know of it, but it’s one of my battle wounds. I’ve more scars on my back. Took a nasty fall or two during it. I’d more scrapes and bruises now than I did when I was a fauntling.”

“All healed wounds show tenacity in one’s survival,” Frerin said. “You’re stronger than you think, I’ll bet.” Bilbo shrugged and looked at him.

“I won’t be startled or afraid,” he said.

Frerin chuckled. “I do not doubt that, but I will show my face on my own terms and no one else’s. Tell me of why you followed my brother and why it is that you look so sad whenever he is mentioned.”

“Oh…” Bilbo looked at his hands. “Like your face, I’m not ready to speak of it.” Frerin hummed. Bilbo looked at him and sighed. With a shaking hand, he revealed where he had cut his hair. “It was where a courtship braid once was. Your…brother’s courtship braid. We’d only just begun courting and…well. I broke his heart. When we arrived at Erebor, he started to change and he became someone I did not love. He was not the Dwarf I knew anymore and I was afraid I had lost him, so I.” He swallowed and sniffed. “I stole the Arkenstone.”

Frerin stiffened beside him.

“I stole it and gave it to Thranduil to barter in exchange for what he wanted. I thought Thorin would desire it enough to see reason. I admitted that I had stolen it in hope of forcing his hand, but…he didn’t do what I thought. When I close my eyes, I still see his face and I replay the moment his heart broke over and over. It was especially bad after it happened and I cut the braid. Many think it’s because he threatened to kill me, but I know he wasn’t himself then. I know he wasn’t the Dwarf I fell in love with, but I also knew that doing what I had done…that I had…”

Frerin embraced him. “Gold Mad or not, he should have valued you more.”

“It frightened me. The way he acted…he turned against everyone but me and I was the one he didn’t know as well as the others. He turned against his own kin and just…”

“I can imagine it did,” Frerin said. “Did he still want you gone when you left Erebor?”

“I didn’t stay long enough to find out,” Bilbo said, hiccupping. “I couldn’t.”

“Do you forgive him?”

“Of course, I do, but I doubt he’d forgive me, even if he is who he was before. He’s not the kind to forgive. I don’t even know if he knows _how_ to forgive.”

Frerin’s embrace tightened. “He forgave you,” he said. “If he is in his right mind again, he forgave you. My brother trusts easily and loves deeply. I know him enough to guarantee that. If he is himself again, then the one who he bears a grudge against in this matter will be himself.”

Bilbo sucked in a shattering breath, aware that he was making a mess of Frerin’s tunic, but unsure if he still wanted Frerin’s comfort. His voice wasn’t as deep. His frame slighter, but it was so similar he couldn’t bring himself to break away from him.

_It’s not him, don’t imprint Thorin’s image on him. That would not be fair._

“Take comfort that you are not a Dwarf,” he said. “Heart broken or not, you will always have my brother’s love, and mine if you would have it.”

At last, he managed to tear away. “Is this a joke?”

“No, Bilbo. I think I might love you.”

“You hardly know me,” Bilbo snapped.

“And how long was it until my brother knew he loved you? Or how long was it till you could say you loved him in return. It is true I do not know you as well as I would like to, but nevertheless I truly believe I love you.”

Bilbo stormed off, fuming.

 _Why_ did the younger brother of the two fall in love with him?! It didn’t make any sense. He couldn’t imagine loving anyone else after Thorin.

True, Thorin wasn’t perfect. No one was. But once he had Thorin’s love, Thorin had often treated him as dearly as he did his family. He was accepted. Thorin was…

He was…

Bilbo just wanted to be happy again, like he had been in the short time he had with Thorin, sleeping close together when a bed was not available. Most nights had been cold since he lost Thorin’s warm arm usually wrapped around his waist, holding him tightly to his chest and nuzzling his neck, whispering love confessions when he thought Bilbo slept, confessions Bilbo had wondered whether he really returned until the day he did not have it anymore.

And now he had Frerin— _Thorin’s brother_ —openly admitting to being in love with him.

Having his heart broken by one Dwarf, one _Durin’s heir_ , had been more than enough.

He didn’t think he could go through that again. Or ever.

 _He has to go_ , Bilbo decided. _He can’t come with me. He needs to go away and leave me alone._ Whether he could actually tell Frerin he couldn’t go to the Shire with Bilbo, well…

He wasn’t sure.

#

In the end, he hadn’t the heart to turn him away. He couldn’t love Frerin the way Frerin wanted. He didn’t think he ever would. He loved Thorin and Thorin would always have his heart for as long as he lived. But Frerin?

Just the thought of it made Bilbo feel ill. It was Thorin’s _brother_. Aye, he wasn’t with Frerin and likely never would be, but the idea of _Thorin’s brother_ …

He couldn’t even comprehend ever wanting Frerin…

~Present Day~

“How does the injury fare?” Elrond asked as he examined Frerin’s scar.

“It’s as it always is. Smarts in the cold, but beside that,” he shrugged. “It could be worse.” Elrond nodded and prescribed a paste to ease the mountain chill’s sting.

Elrond looked at Bilbo. “Tell me again how Thorin reacted to the news of your marriage.”

“What is there left to tell?” Bilbo said. “I didn’t exactly write that we are brothers now. That would have been a little more of a shock than I think he needed. His response, when it came was short and curt. He’s upset, of course. That’s only to be expected.”

Frerin rolled his eyes, upper lip curling in a bit of a snarl. Bilbo arched a brow at him and he shrugged. “Can you blame me for being angry?”

“No, but not wanting me to write him was over the top,” Bilbo said with the ease of a conversation had many times in the past. “He knows I am not available now.”

“I do not think that is likely to stop him,” Frerin said. “You are his One. He isn’t likely going to love another now that he knows you are not available.”

“I know that, but there really isn’t anything to be done.”

Lindir knocked on the door. “There are Dwarves heading this way, wondering if they might seek refuge for a day or two, my Lord Elrond.”

Elrond stood. “I will greet them. Frerin, if you insist on staying hidden...”

“No,” he said, getting up. “I’ll join you, if I may. They are likely sent by my brother, so I might as well meet them now and get this whole thing settled.”

“Uh…I’m not sure that would be wise.”

“There is no good time for coming back from the dead. I would rather get it over with and answer what questions that I must.”

“Would you like me to go with you?” Bilbo asked. “Or is that too much of a shock?”

“They already know you’re married,” Frerin said. “They only don’t know my identity. We may as well meet them together and get it over with.”

“You seem eager.”

“No. Not eager, nervous.”

Bilbo took his hand and kissed it. “It’ll be all right. I’m sure of it.”

“At least one of us is confident.”

“I just don’t see much reason to let it get to me,” Bilbo said. “Let’s go.” They followed Elrond to the entryway. The group was a small band of fifteen. Most of them, Bilbo did not recognize, but then his eyes settled on dark brown hair and a sparse beard.

Brown eyes met his and a grin was flashed.

“Bilbo!”

“Kili, it is good to see you again!” Bilbo said, embracing him. “How’s your uncle?”

Kili’s grin died. “Well, since you sprang that you had married on him, he’d been…well, you know how he gets when his hopes are dashed.” Not good, then. “Bilbo, may I present the leader of our caravan, my mother, the Queen-Sister of Erebor.” Bilbo glanced at the woman. Here, he could see where Kili got his looks. She was a strong woman with a brilliant beard and long thick hair.

“You weren’t jesting when you said he looked like a farmer or grocer.”

“What is with this family and thinking I’m a _grocer_?!” Bilbo exclaimed.

“You kind of do,” Kili said, shrugging.

“Where is your husband? Or was that a ploy—”

“It is no ploy,” Frerin said, pressing his hand against Bilbo’s shoulder. Dis looked at him and you could see her features morph into confusion and then shock. “Hello, _Namadith_.”


	5. Chapter 5

~Four Years Earlier~

Frerin wasn’t widely accepted in Hobbiton. Most of the time, the elders would walk him in quick strides, eyes averted and whispering about his scarred face. The children, on the other hand, found Frerin to be a fun playmate and adored the stories he told of his time in the mountains, of wandering and war. For the most part, they found his scars interesting if nothing else.

He found work at the forge and his work grew to be the talk of the Shire. He had commissions as far as Michel Delving and sometimes sold wares in Bree. At night, when he was close enough, he’d arrive at Bag End in time for dinner and supper. His presence remained one that Bilbo usually could work with.

The following autumn after they returned and Bilbo’s things given back—and if Bilbo was to be honest, it was likely because of the very anniversary of the Battle for Erebor—had been harder than Bilbo liked on an emotional level.

Being found in front of the fireplace with his knees pulled up to his chin, arms locked around his legs and his face hidden by his knees was not something he really enjoyed. There were days the memories were just too strong and that night it’d been stronger than usual.

Frerin found him, though Bilbo hadn’t wanted him to see him crying. He didn’t know he’d been caught weeping till Frerin’s arms were around him and he was trapped in Frerin’s embrace. Frerin pet his hair and back, offering no judgement except that which he reserved for Thorin and Thorin only.

Save for on his forehead, Frerin did not kiss him, only whispering desperate confessions of love and adoration.

“Why? You know what I did.”

“You did what you thought was right,” Frerin said. “I would never condemn someone for doing what they believe is right. Why should I?”

“Please hate me,” Bilbo wept. “After what I did to your brother, you should hate me.”

“I could never hate you, _Sanzigiluh_ ,” Frerin whispered. Bilbo took a shattering breath and Frerin stroked his hair. “I love you, Bilbo. I love you and I want to prove that I _am_ worthy of you. Will you let me? Or does he still have your heart though he has forfeited it?”

Bilbo shook his head. “I can’t—I love Thorin. You know that.”

Frerin knelt at his feet. “Bilbo, he is not here. He did not come after you. My brother is a good leader and I am sure he is a good king, but _Bilbo_ , he is not here. I am in front of you and I am offering my heart to you. I love you. I want to do what my brother has failed to: I want to make you feel like nothing else in the world matters to me, especially given that nothing else matters. Bilbo, it pains me seeing you weep for Thorin, who is not here to give you the comfort you crave. I ask only for a chance to prove myself. To give you the healing you desperately need.”

“And if I say no?” Bilbo asked. “What would you do then?”

“Offer what I can, give what you will have. Even if all it is I get is friendship, I would have it and ask for more than that never again.”

Bilbo swallowed. “All right,” he said. “I’ll think about it.”

~Present~

“Hello, _Namadith_ ,” Frerin said, a small smile on his face. “It’s good to see you again.” Her legs buckled and she stumbled back, covering her mouth with a hand as Kili seized her shoulders.

“Amad?”

“I’m…you…” She gently pushed Kili off and embraced Frerin. “You died. We mourned you. Why didn’t you come back?”

Frerin kissed her cheek. “I wanted to,” he said. “For a long time, I thought this would be better.”

“You are an idiot! Why have I been cursed with idiots for brothers?” Frerin laughed and Bilbo stood by Kili, who watched the exchange awkwardly.

“Are you all right?”

“Well, I don’t know,” he said. “As far as I know, this Dwarf’s a stranger to me and my mother is calling him brother, so I know _who_ he is, but it really doesn’t mean anything to me.” Bilbo assumed that might be Kili’s reaction. “So…one way or another you _did_ become my uncle.”

“I did.”

“I can’t say I’m happy about you being with someone other than Thorin, Bilbo, but it is good to call you family,” Kili said. Bilbo grinned.

“I can see you also managed to grow a beard in the last few years since I saw you.” Now Kili beamed.

“You should see Fili’s beard. It comes to his sternum now. It just started growing out more after you left. I have to wear a mask now when I go shooting just to protect it.”

Bilbo imagined so, examining Kili.

Kili had at last deemed to tame his hair. On his scalp, beginning in the front it was braided back in four plaits and fell loose down his back. On the sides, he now had braids that matched the ones Thorin had worn. His mustache mimed Fili’s and the beard, while certainly more impressive, was not yet long enough to braid properly.

Around his neck was a black scarf and Bilbo assumed that was the mask he spoke of. Beside this, not much had actually changed in Kili’s attire. He still wore the same leather traveling cloak lined with a wolf’s pelt and the same sturdy boots.

There was an invitation to dinner, and Dis accepted as she and Frerin walked off, likely to reconnect. While Frerin was busy with his sister, Bilbo and Kili went on a walk of their own.

“How does prince-hood suit you?” Bilbo asked.

Kili rolled his eyes. “It’s more responsibility than I expected, but thankfully it doesn’t bother me too much. Fili’s got more responsibility than I do, but they sort of expect us to take over together, so we’re often just shadowing Thorin and Amad together.”

“Yes, you introduced her as the queen-sister. Is that normal?”

“Far from it, but she held the title for as long as I have known her. I’ll likely just keep the title of Lord Prince when Fili becomes King, which is the usual title of the king’s brother among our people.”

“I see. What about marriage. I know last time I saw you there was a certain elven lass…”

Kili shrugged. “She’s gone.”

“Gone how?”

“She left the forest and never came to Erebor or anything. I don’t know where she went or why.” He shrugged. “I’m over it.”

“Kili, I am sorry about that. You did seem quite taken with her.”

“I was. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Not with how my family is and our position.”

“Why? I married into the family. I’m not a Dwarf.”

“It’s different for you. You’re not an Elf. For Tauriel, it…well, honestly, loving her and being who I am would just be asking her to go through torture.”

“You didn’t go after her?”

“I would have, but there’s just one problem with that and it’s not my being a prince. We barely knew each other. I would have liked there to be something more and she did save my life. But to be honest, there wasn’t much too really hold onto. Wherever she is, I do hope she is happy there.”

“I see.”

“But it was not the same for you and Thorin, wasn’t it?”

“Kili…”

“I know you’re married now, so it won’t matter, but please hear me out?” Kili asked.

Bilbo sighed and nodded.

“The two of you were constantly in each other’s presence, getting to know each other and often at odds, but despite that, you fell in love with him. He’d been in love with you since you met. He’d never loved anyone the way he loved you and I just…I can’t say I don’t blame you for getting married after what happened between you and Thorin. I just think it would have been better if you were forthright about it, you know? He allowed himself to hope and you didn’t see the way he looked when you pulled the rug out from under his feet. You let him hope and that was cruel.”

“I thought so, too, but Frerin didn’t want anyone to know about him, not even if all they knew was that I had married. He feared it would prompt Thorin to come or to send someone in the company to the Shire to find out his identity and that…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I never meant to hurt Thorin, Kili. I never meant to hurt anyone by getting married.”

“I know. Everyone knows that. You’re a hero in Erebor and you are a Dwarf-Friend. We knew that you left because you were hurt, so we let you be. We hoped you’d come back sooner, but if you were hiding Frerin, then I suppose it makes sense that you’d not want to return. And Thorin, well, he was ashamed of what he’d done to you. I just guessed I hoped that one day you and he would move past what happened and that you’d be married to each other and he’d be happy—really happy—if only for once.”

“I want to move past what happened between him and me. I really do. It just can’t be on romantic terms now. That’s all. I know about Ones. And I know how you’re people value the freedom to choose your spouse. I know Thorin is still in love with me and I suppose it’d been that way for the last five years. It’s just…he wasn’t there for me when I needed him most. Frerin was and he had been more open about how he felt for me, so I gave him a chance and I fell in love with him. I can’t imagine what this will do to your uncle, but I promise I didn’t marry Frerin to spite him.”

“I know. You’re not a spiteful person,” Kili said, smiling. “But I don’t know if the rest of Erebor will see it that way. It’s a mess, either way you look at it. And it’s a bigger mess than we thought.” Bilbo scoffed. That was the understatement of the era. He pulled out his pipe and stuffed it with Old Toby, striking a match against the bell and lit it. “That said, I can’t be certain how Thorin will be like when he sees you and Frerin together.”

“Well, I hope he has the decency to respect my marriage,” Bilbo said. “You’re starting to scare me into thinking he won’t.”

“The marriage, yes. I’ve no doubt he’ll respect it. Supporting it on the other hand…yeah…it might get very ugly before anything is resolved. I don’t know about them, but if Fili and I were in love with the same person, well, I think that’d be the easiest way to turn us against each other.”

“ _Friendship is constant in all things except in the office and affairs of love_.”

“You can say that again,” Kili said, chuckling. “Is that a Hobbit colloquialism or something?”

“More an Elfish one,” Bilbo said, releasing a smoke ring from his mouth. “As I can see, it clearly fits in with the topic of brotherhood and romance as well.”

Kili nodded. “Despite what lies ahead, Bilbo, it is good to see you again and I am glad to see that you are happy.”

“You just wish it was with your other uncle.”

Kili shrugged. “As you said, the choice is yours to make and make it you did. All I can do is warn you about the impending war it might have started though it was not your intent—nor anyone’s.”

Bilbo saluted him with his pipe and Kili went in search of his mother.

* * *

~Khuzdul~

Sanzigiluh=my mithril

Namadith=little sister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Friendship is constant in all other things  
> Save in the office and affairs of love.  
> Therefore all hearts in love use their own tongues.  
> Let every eye negotiate for itself,  
> And trust no agent; for beauty is a witch  
> Against whose charms faith melteth into blood.”  
> -William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"


	6. Chapter 6

~Three and a Half Years Ago~

He didn’t know when he fell in love with Frerin. Perhaps it began the day he laughed genuinely with him. Or it started the day Frerin told him he loved him. He didn’t know when, but he knew he had fallen in love with Frerin the day of the spring festival when Frerin showed up with blue and purple flowers threaded through his beard and hair by eager fauntlings.

It wasn’t so much as there being flowers in his hair than it was the wide grin he sent Bilbo before sending the fauntlings to decorate Bilbo’s hair as well. It also happened to be the day he realized that thinking of Thorin, while it still made him sad, wasn’t as painful as it used to be. It was like a dull ache in his chest rather than a gaping hole where his heart used to be. It was the day, late at night, when he kissed Frerin behind the party tree, feeling much like a tween again, pinning Frerin to the bark and kissing him.

When Frerin returned the kiss, he lifted Bilbo to save each other from cricks in their necks, flowers falling out of their hair as their fingers took their place. It was rushing home and falling into bed together as they whispered declarations of love to each other followed by Frerin’s unexpected, but very appreciated, insistence of being dominated.

It was never like that with Thorin, but there were a factor of reasons why, Bilbo was certain of that. It remained that Thorin had not wanted to be “the anvil” and Bilbo hadn’t minded at the time. It wasn’t important to him then. It certainly wasn’t important now as Bilbo kissed Frerin’s chest, tracing the scars with his tongue, as he fucked him open with his fingers. Frerin’s moans were encouraging enough and he whined when Bilbo pulled his fingers out and coated his cock in oil.

 _I love you_ was becoming a mantra, a prayer whispered in his ear and Bilbo responded in kind.

~Present~

> _Thorin,_
> 
> _We’ll be back in Erebor in three days’ time._
> 
> _You’ll never believe who Bilbo’s husband is._ _I can say no more than that on the matter, except that I am sorry. It’s going to be a huge mess._ _All I ask is that you be as cordial as you can._
> 
> _Dis_

Thorin hummed, scratching his chin and hoping to ignore the way his chest ached at the words. He wasn’t sure what Dis meant by mess. It was bad enough that the Dwarf Bilbo married was a veteran of Azanulbizar…

He wished he had stayed dead. Thorin pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing. Wishing ill wouldn’t make it better. Still, the idea of Bilbo being with another made him sick to his stomach.  _I need to stop thinking like this,_ he massaged his cheeks and stood, heading out of the room to get some air.

“Uncle?”

He looked at Fili and closed his eyes. “Is all well?”

“I was going to check on you. Did you get a letter from Mum?”

“Yes. Three days.”

“What do you want to do about it?”

Thorin swallowed. “We give Bilbo a grand welcome. He is, after all, one of the Company and he has been missed. It would be good to see him again and welcome him as grandly as royalty.”

Fili arched a brow. “I suppose this has nothing to do with sticking it to his husband?” he asked.

Thorin didn’t often find himself regretting how much like his mother Fili was, but right now he kind of did. “Of course not.”

“You’re sure?”

“Well, if it’s a bit grander than normal, then who can blame me? Your mother and brother will be returning as well.”

“Thorin, for the sake of all that is good in this world, I advise against showing off. I don’t think anyone’s going to appreciate it.”

He’d admit that there might be some problems, but he doubted it’d be anything they couldn’t handle. In the end, he settled on talking to Bombur about a feast to welcome Bilbo back. Bombur, bless his soul, didn’t suspect anything. Bifur was harder to get off his back.

 _Bad idea is bad_ , he signed. Thorin glared at him, but the old Dwarf didn’t back off.  _Worse than taking the mountain back from the dragon._

“We succeeded, didn’t we?”

_That is not the point. That was suicidal, but we did it and lived. So it wasn’t as bad. Bilbo might kill you this time if you try to outdo yourself and stick it to his husband._

“Bifur, that Dwarf took my One from me.”

_Yes. Bilbo is your One. You are not his. You know our laws. Being a king does not mean you’re above Bilbo’s right to consent. He made his choice. It hurts you. We know that. But it is still his choice. Even if you are a king, you must respect it. You are not the first Dwarf to lose his One to another._

No, he wasn’t.

And any who did what he so far only contemplated were often banished. Being a king wouldn’t stop the judgement. Fili, Kili, and Dis could judge him. And while he didn’t think they would, he knew they would do all they could to stop him from making a fool out of himself.

“You are right, but this is just a feast.”

 _The whole kingdom,_ Bifur said. _Bilbo won’t like that. It should just be the company and their families and you know it. Bilbo doesn’t need anything larger than that to feel welcome._

He looked at Bifur, who arched a brow. “If I didn’t trust Balin’s word so much, I’d give you his job.”

Bifur grinned. _Balin agrees with me. Besides, I’m happy in my position. Bofur is too much to handle anyway. You’re worse. I’d bash my head in on day one. Then Balin has his job back._

“You shouldn’t joke about that.”

Bifur shrugged. _Be smarter than you are._

“Blunt Orc-son,” Thorin growled as Bifur left.

The welcome committee would still be there, but he agreed that the feast would only be the company and their families. At least it wouldn’t overtax Bombur or the kitchen.

#

Frerin wrapped an arm around Bilbo’s middle and pulled him into his lap. Bilbo squawked, kicking his feet out as Frerin kissed his cheek. “You mad Dwarf! Let go of me right n— _ow_!” He smacked Frerin’s arm and distanced himself from his husband to sit by Dis instead. “Sorry about that.”

“Don’t be,” she said. “My husband was just as bad. I suppose Frerin gets it from our father.”

Bilbo shrugged. “Perhaps he is…I know from Kili that Thorin didn’t take the news—”

She held her hand up, cutting him off. “I had spoken with Frerin about that,” Dis said. “He is well prepared for a war. I would do the same if I were you, Bilbo.”

“You aren’t mad?”

“I am a little mad,” she said. “But one brother broke your heart. It wasn’t expected that the other would be the one to mend it, but that is what happened. It’s a fine mess, either way you look, but you did what was best for yourself.”

“Sometimes I wonder,” Bilbo admitted, “But I do love him. That has to count for something.”

Dis hummed. “You love him. He loves you. That is ideal. But when your former lover is your husband’s older brother…”

“Yes, I know, it’s catastrophic. I don’t know what else to do about this, Dis. If I did, don’t you think I would have done something about it? The fact remains that there is nothing to be done about it now. I know this hurts Thorin, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray that Thorin—” He cut himself off and stared at his feet. “Is he better?”

Dis took a moment to think, or so Bilbo thought. “He is better, if by better you mean sane.”

“I…I do. I don’t want to risk him doing something he’d regret.”

“Like what?” Dis asked. Bilbo bit his lip.

“Kill him.”

“Frerin? No. That would cost him his beard. Fratricide is more an Orcish practice. Thorin will be upset, true. He is still upset as far as I know and this will be like plunging a knife deeper into his chest. But he won’t hurt Frerin because to hurt Frerin would be to hurt you.”

Bilbo scoffed. “Hurt me? He already did that as far as I’m concerned.”

“What I mean is he doesn’t want to hurt you or anyone,” Dis said calmly. “Thorin is a fool, but he loves you still. He might not like it, but he will ensure your happiness to the best of his ability, as a friend _and_ as your brother-in-law.”

Bilbo massaged his forehead. “You know, when I met Frerin, I thought I would want nothing more to do with your family.”

“Now you’re stuck with us?”

“Ironic, isn’t it?”

“No. Well, yes, it is in its own way, but there is a reason you fell in love with my brothers, Bilbo. I had wondered for a time why my brother would give his heart to you, but I know now, falling in love with Frerin can’t have been easy for you.”

“No,” he said. “It wasn’t. Our marriage isn’t five years old, it’s closer to two years. But I’ve known him the whole five years since, if that’s what you’re asking. Compared to my relationship with Thorin, my relationship with Frerin is…it’s healthier, I suppose I could say. I know him better. I’ve had the time to get to know him without the stress of an adventure breathing down our necks. Not to say I didn’t love Thorin because I did, but it…”

“It wasn’t the same.”

“Exactly.”

“And if you had met Thorin under different circumstances, things would be different as they are.”

“True,” Bilbo said. “But they _aren’t_ different, Dis.”

Frerin laughed at something Kili had said. The journey had brought them closer and Bilbo couldn’t say he knew Kili to be _this_ carefree. Still, it was nice to see Kili connecting with a relative he had not known before despite his worries that he’d probably not have anything in common with him.

“Either way you dice it, I’m in trouble. Aren’t I?”

“Probably,” she said. “I have hope that Thorin will be cordial. The question is for how long.”

Bilbo hummed. _Not very_ was his guess, but who knows? Dwarves had surprised him before.


	7. Chapter 7

Dwalin prowled the balconies, keeping a watchful eye out for sign of the caravan. At last, he spotted it and sent a runner to alert Thorin. The doors were thrown wide open as the group approached and he stood with the company as Thorin and Fili rode out to meet them.

Dwalin stood rigid, ready to hold back the mob in case Thorin decided to do something stupid. He didn’t think he would, but sometimes Thorin could be…well, everyone had a breaking point. The last time he saw Thorin at his, he had tried to kill his One.

A hand touched Dwalin’s arm and he looked down at Ori. “It’ll be okay,” he said. “I’m sure of it.” Dwalin sighed and took Ori’s hand, kissing it.

“I do not have your confidence, _mesmel_ ,” he admitted.

“I know.” With that, they watched the procession and waited for a surprise none expected.

#

Thorin and Fili met the caravan at the beginning of the gate. Dis didn’t look entirely excited to be home and neither did Kili.

“What is it?” Fili asked. “Amad, you look like you’ve swallowed pepper seeds whole.”

“Well, I hope I don’t look _that_ red,” she chuckled. “It’s just…”

“It’s complicated,” Kili added. “Very complicated. And I’m certain you’re going to faint, uncle.”

Thorin cuffed him lightly on the back of his head. “I’ve never had a fainting spell in my life—do _not_ bring that up,” he said to Dis when she opened her mouth to correct him. “I was twenty. It doesn’t count. And you don’t even really remember it because Frerin told you about it.”

“What? You mean the fainting spell you had because you refused to get the proper rest you needed as you had a cold?” Thorin’s grin died and he looked over Dis’ shoulder as another Dwarf, one he had not seen nor recognized at first, approached. “Wasn’t it that grandfather _said_ you needed rest and _yet_ you, Master Overstrain-Yourself, refused to listen and insisted you could go to your tutoring sessions, weapons training, what have you, and _still_ be okay? Except you didn’t make it halfway down the hall before you collapsed and gave everyone in the mountain a fright?”

“Frerin?”

Frerin grinned. “Hello, _Nadad_ ,” he greeted, taking hold of Thorin’s shoulder.

“You are Bilbo’s husband?”

“We will discuss that in private,” Frerin whispered. Thorin froze at the icy anger laced in Frerin’s voice. He didn’t know what happened to his brother, but he doubted he would be able to diffuse this easily. Thorin sucked in a breath and grinned.

“Of course,” he said, looking around for Bilbo.

He found him close to one of the guards, still mounted and Thorin’s throat tightened. He was still as radiant as he remembered and he cursed the day he let him leave…he swallowed and approached him.

“Bilbo,” he said. “ _Nadadu amê_ , it is good to see you again.”

“Same,” Bilbo said, holding out his hand in a gesture of goodwill. Thorin grasped it, hoping Bilbo wouldn’t notice how it trembled.

_Why? Why him? Why, Bilbo? Do you not see how much this breaks me apart?_

“I hope you do not object to the welcome.”

“I had been warned you might go a little over the top,” Bilbo said, shrugging. “This isn’t all for me is it?”

“Of course not! My nephew and sister have returned. I was anticipating that. As for my brother, _that’s_ another matter entirely. Tonight there will be a feast—just the company and their kin—to welcome you back, but for Frerin, I’ll need to arrange another, for the whole kingdom.”

“Would you be doing so if Frerin wasn’t your brother?” Bilbo asked, arching a brow.

Thorin wouldn’t and Bilbo—and everyone else—knew it. They entered the mountain and Frerin was greeted by those whom he had called friends. Dwalin engulfed him in a bear hug, as had Gloin, and Oin insisted on taking a look at him as soon as possible, to make sure he had been healing correctly. Bilbo was embraced by the others with insistences of catching up later.

Frerin took Bilbo’s hand and kissed him and Thorin’s stomach flipped. “Are you all right?” Dis asked, taking his shoulder

“No,” he said. “This is the furthest thing from all right I can be.”

“Just remember that he’s our brother.”

“I could never forget,” he said. “And that is what makes this worse.”

#

“It was a relief,” Frerin said, “After the pain was gone and I was healed, I learned to live in the mountains, how to avoid Orcs and Goblins alike, make a living.”

“I’ve heard tell of a herder of the mountain, was that someone you know?” Ori asked. “Does he exist?”

“You’re looking at him,” Frerin said. “I avoided Dwarves because I didn’t want to risk being recognized and my family alerted. They thought I was dead and given what happened because of that belief, I knew it’d hurt them.”

Thorin glanced at the scar on Frerin’s face. _I caused that_. He looked away and took a great gulp of ale, trying to ignore how Frerin’s hand held Bilbo’s and how Bilbo looked at Frerin. That smile was once Thorin’s to treasure and this…

It was like waving a stake in front of a starving dog and telling them not to eat it. To make it worse, Thorin felt physically ill seeing Bilbo and Frerin together.

“Lad, we would have loved to know you were alive,” Balin said. “Yes, I can’t say we wouldn’t be upset by what we did to you, but thinking you were dead was worse. You could have truly died without aid.”

“But I lived,” Frerin said. “I’m here and I’m all right, Balin. And it’s good to be home, regardless how long it took. For that, I think it’d be wise to give my brother the king another toast.”

“I’ve had plenty of those in abundance,” Thorin said. “I need no more.”

“What? And pass up the chance for attention? War hero, king, conqueror of the dragon sickness; what more could you do in the fifty or so more years you have left?”

“I haven’t a clue. Maybe rule. Train this one,” he clapped Fili’s shoulder, “To take my place when my time comes.”

“Never thought of settling down?” Frerin asked, arching a brow. Bilbo slapped his arm and whispered in his ear, clearly displeased.

Thorin took a deep breath, trying to breathe, and stared at his plate. Dis took his hand. “Are you all right? That was cruel of him.”

“Recall how he and I rarely got along?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t think much has changed.”

“He loves you, Thorin. You’re his brother.”

“No, Dis, we never got along. You and Frerin got along. Until you and I lost him, Adad, and Grandfather, we didn’t get along that much either.”

“We are adults now,” she whispered.

“That doesn’t matter,” Thorin said. He stood. “If you excuse me, I have meetings early in the morning and I should retire.” Balin gave him a funny look and Thorin prayed he would not call out the lie.

“Thank you for arranging this,” Bilbo said, a hint of apology in his voice. Thorin nodded and left, perhaps walking a little faster than necessary, but he needed to get away.

Once in his room, he locked the door and fled to the bathroom, vomiting.

#

“I don’t recall when I was more embarrassed!” Bilbo snapped. “I know you are not happy that Thorin is still affectionate toward me, but that doesn’t give you any right to treat him the way you have since we arrived! It is going to take time for him to get used to seeing us together! The least you can do is be kind to him and understand that he is heartbroken!”

“My brother and I have always been like this with each other,” Frerin said, shrugging.

“Perhaps,” Bilbo said. “But that was when you were children. You’re adults, Frerin. And as far as I can tell, Thorin has been nothing but polite and respectful. I’m sure it hurts him and he’s not saying everything that’s on his mind, but that does _not_ mean he’s going to try and steal me from you. He isn’t that kind of Dwarf.”

“He has been watching you.”

“By Yavanna! You are being insufferable! He’s been watching _us_ , Frerin. I am fine with being openly affectionate with you, but I will _not_ flaunt it. I am not going to be paraded under Thorin’s nose like some _toy_ you were given that Thorin wanted. If you want to ruin your relationship with him, be my guest! I will _not_ let you ruin any chance for friendship I may be able to salvage.”

“He tried to kill you!”

“He was _sick_. He was under the influence of Dragon Sickness! I’m not saying it was okay, but I can forgive it and I have.”

“Yet you still needed to get away.”

“Of course I did. I needed space and I needed to learn to live without him.”

Frerin took his hand. “I am sorry if I have hurt you in my actions, Bilbo. I am angry at Thorin. I don’t know how to not be angry at him nor how to not be jealous. He loved you first, and for a long time after you still loved him. Do you still love him?”

“It’s not the same love I had before, but yes. Loving him led me to you, didn’t it?” Bilbo stepped closer and pressed his forehead to Frerin’s. “Frerin, do you really think so poorly of me that you fear I would leave you for Thorin?”

“No! Of course not,” Frerin said. “I know you would not…but Thorin, I don’t trust him. I am certain he will try to…”

“Your brother has more honor than you give him credit for. He is honest, and he trusts easily which has led to a lot of pain in his life. He would not do that. Even if he thought of it, he would not try to hurt you or steal me from you. He knows he’s not above the law. ‘No king is above the law he has made, he can change it, but he is not above it. A king _must_ abide by the law or the people will lose faith in him.’”

“Who said that? Certainly not anyone I have known.”

“Actually, Thorin did, when he and I were together and discussing the benefits or problems that might arise if he and I chose to continue our relationship after the quest. He isn’t going to make a law that states that the king may share spouses with his siblings or cousins.”

Frerin lowered his head and hid his face in Bilbo’s chest. Bilbo ran his fingers through his hair. “Your fear may be valid, my love, but it is _not_ rational. You aren’t going to lose me, Frerin, not to anything but death and vice versa.”

Frerin fisted Bilbo’s shirt. “And likely separated by it too…”

Given the different afterlives of the races, it was very possible. Bilbo pet his hair some more. “It’s not something we need worry about for some decades.” He cupped Frerin’s face and tilted his head up so their eyes met. “Promise me you will apologize to Thorin tomorrow.”

“I will speak with him. I can’t guarantee civility, but I will apologize for tonight.”

“Good,” Bilbo said. He kissed him. “This is going to be hard for everyone, you understand? I don’t want any wars fought between you and Thorin because you can’t accept that he still loves me. We came here knowing that. I had hoped you’d be able to find it in you to forgive him, but apparently, that was too much to ask.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. Make it right. Goodness, I’ve heard of sibling rivalry, but to see it manifest so soon after reuniting with your brother is truly worrying, Frerin. I will _not_ be the catalyst of a war between you and him, is that clear?”

“Yes.”

“Good.” Bilbo kissed him and let go of his face. “Let’s get ready for bed.”

* * *

 

~Khuzdul~

Amad=mother

Nadad=brother

Nadadu amê=brother of mine

Adad=father


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating early since I won't be able to update tomorrow as I'll be out of town

Thorin woke, gasping for breath.

A dream, a reoccurring dream that he wished would simply die. He ran shaking hands over his face, wiping away tears and ran them through his hair.

“He’s alive,” he whispered. “He’s alive and well. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

He slid out of bed and went to start a bath.

Servants were around and they had their uses, but breaking out of the habit of doing things himself never really happened. He still worked in the forge when he was able, he made his own food when the time allowed, and he saw no use for servants to help him dress.

He slid into the bath and dove his head under, holding his breath for as long as he could as he tried to baptize himself of the memory-dream. His eyes stung again.

_Bilbo…_

He reemerged, sucking in fresh air and pressed his fingers to his eyes.

How was he going to get through this? How was he going to get used to seeing his One with his brother? How did _anyone_ handle this? 

“Thorin?”

He glanced at the door. “Yes, Dis?”

“Are you well? The servants told me you’d been sick all night.”

“I’m fine,” he lied.

“Bullshit.”Of course, lying to Dis never worked. It was as if she gained some sort of magical ability to know when someone was lying when she gave birth to Fili. Or did that happen before? He didn’t recall.

Thorin leaned back and ran his hands over his face again. “I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. Having them here.” No need to say who “them” were.

Dis sighed. “I don’t know what to tell you, Thorin. I know you aren’t the kind to talk about your problems, but maybe if you talked to someone who is the same position you are might help.”

“And who do we know that is?”

“You might be surprised,” she said. “Frerin wants to talk to you. Think you two can be civil or do I need to moderate?”

“I’m sure we can manage, but you might want to stand outside the door with Dwalin in case it doesn’t.”

“I can do that. And I’ll arrange that meeting with someone who knows what you’re going through,” she said. “The boys and I will be having breakfast together. Would you like to join us?”

“Sure. I’m cooking.”

“Wonderful! I’m sure the boys have missed your eggs and bacon.”

Thorin grinned. Eggs and bacon used to be a rare treat. Usually they got on with just bread and cheese Dis would make from the goat they used to have.

(They had several goats in the past and their last one had passed the year before. As always, Fili and Kili were distraught and, as usual, insisted on a funeral for the pet as if it were tradition and they were still children. And proven to point, Thorin was weak against giving them what they wanted if they could afford it.)

Thorin stood, dried, and dressed in a tunic and trousers. It was breakfast with his family. It wasn’t like it’d require ceremony. Once his boots were on, he was on his way to Dis’ room.

The boys embraced him on his entrance, nearly stopping him from getting to the kitchen. “Are you glad that I’m cooking or that I’m here?”

“Both,” Fili said.

“Are you feeling better?” Kili asked

“A bit, yes,” he assured them. “I’ve had worse bouts of stomach fever.” To add, this wasn’t a normal illness, but rather a self-induced one. The boys released him and he squeezed their shoulders before heading to the kitchen.

“Well, burner’s on and the ingredients are out,” Dis said, squeezing his arm. “Fili, Kili, set the table.”

“Yes, Amad,” they chorused, though they were already in the kitchen gathering the stoneware dishes and silver cutlery. As soon as that was done, Thorin brought out a bowl of eggs and a platter of semi-crisp bacon.

Once they sat down, the eggs were passed around followed by the bacon while Dis poured some milk into cups for them.

From there, they discussed plans for the day.

Fili and Kili both would be inspecting the guilds—different guilds, but that was a minor detail. Dis would be arranging meetings with Bard and Thranduil, as she was the more diplomatic of the two. Apart from the Commons, Thorin hadn’t much else planned for the day.

Dis patted his shoulder in mock-sympathy, but that was common.

“I think Frerin will want to speak with you,” Kili said. “I saw him and Bilbo on my way here as they were going to the kitchen and were wondering when a good time to see you would be.”

“Never,” Fili growled. “After last night, I’d watch his back.”

“Fili,” Dis said. “Regardless what your thoughts of Frerin are, he is your uncle as well.”

“He is a dead Dwarf who came back from the dead when he should have stayed there.”

“Enough,” Thorin said.

“Have you no sense?” Dis snapped, glaring at her eldest. “He is still our brother. Regardless his transgressions against the king, he is family.”

“Fili,” Thorin said, halting Dis, “I suppose you believe that you are defending me. It was not my decision to make as to whom Bilbo will and will not love. He made his choice and I will respect it.”

“I know, Uncle,” Fili said. “That is not why I’m angry. He might as well have paraded Bilbo under your nose. It’s not right nor respectful.”

“Since when are brothers known for being respectful to each other?” Dis asked, arching a brow.

Fili and Kili looked at each other.

“Oh, _dashshatuh_ ,” she said. “Your relationship is unique. You are close, best of friends, and always have been and likely always will be. I know you cannot imagine brothers being at odds, but for some siblings, that is very normal.”

“What? To be like Dori and Nori?”

Thorin chuckled. “Frerin and I are _not_ like Dori and Nori. I have never been in Dori’s position where Frerin was concerned. We grew up here, spoiled rotten and the greatest brats in all of Erebor.”

“If I recall, I was a bigger brat,” Dis said, winking. “Being an only daughter and all.”

“True,” Thorin said. “Even after the dragon came.”

“I like to think I grew out of it.”

“You did that, too, _namad_ ,” Thorin said, grinning at her. “That being said, Fili, Dis and I didn’t always get along and the same is said for me and Frerin. We fought and we fought often. I do not think that is going to change. If he tries to goad me into a fight about his marriage, I can do little about it save walk away. I cannot fight him on the matter unless I find evidence of abuse, which is very, _very_ unlikely.”

Dis and Kili nodded.

“His jibe last night was unprecedented,” Kili said. “He’s not so bad once you get to know him, Fi.”

“That begs the question: do I really want to know him?” Fili muttered. “After what he did last night, I do not think I would like to know him at all.”

That said, he stood, thanked Thorin for making breakfast, and left. Thorin massaged his forehead. Fili was a force to reckon with when angry.

Kili as well, but where Kili was more outspoken in his anger, Fili was not. It was all in the way he carried himself, in his eyes when he looked at the one he was angry at. There were many times Thorin had been on the receiving end of such anger. Fili would bottle it down and it would grow, and fester.

Well, getting him to relieve stress and let go of his anger wasn’t hard. “Dis,” Thorin said. “I’ll speak with Dwalin later; see if we can clear a few hours for Fili to train?”

She nodded. “Do the same for yourself. Or train with Fili rather than Dwalin. He’ll likely talk to you about it more than he would Dwalin anyway.”

“Perhaps,” Thorin said.

#

He spotted the elder of Dis’ sons stride by, but when he smiled, intending to greet the lad, Frerin was given the darkest stare he’d seen in years. It was like being on the receiving end of one of Thorin’s glares again and he wondered what he’d done to deserve such ire from Fili so soon after his arrival.

Bilbo had already left, leaving a note that he’d be in the library today with Ori, so asking if Bilbo knew what that was about was out of the question.

“Frerin,” Thorin said, exiting a room. “You wished to speak with me?”

“Yes,” he said, confused. “That’s not the king’s suite.”

“Breakfast with Dis and the boys.”

“I take it didn’t go well.”

“You saw Fili, then.”

“I did.”

“It’s nothing to concern yourself with. It’ll be dealt with shortly. So what did you wish to speak with me about?” Thorin asked.

“Last night,” he said. “I was out of line. I shouldn’t have tried to goad you like that.”

Thorin crossed his arms. “I won’t deny that I still love him. You know I do. But trust that I have no intention of driving a wedge between you and Bilbo. Nor will I deny that I am jealous or hurt by it. Either way, I accept it though I am not happy about it. I believed I lost him a long time ago. He’s every right to be with someone who he doesn’t have to fear and I’m trying to be glad for him if nothing else.”

“But not me?” Frerin asked, arching a brow.

“I don’t know how,” Thorin admitted. “I want to be happy for you, _Nadad_ , and I am ecstatic that you’re alive, but I think for now, asking me to be happy that you married my One, to be happy that you have found you One in him too…that’s too much. It hurts too much. Asking me to be happy is too much right now, but I have no intention of dishonoring your marriage. And if I somehow do, trust it was not intentional. You know I won’t love anyone else, so please have pity if not mercy.”

Frerin took a couple steps toward him and bumped foreheads. “I can do that. I am sorry, Nadad. I am jealous as well, you understand. You loved him first and it took a long time for Bilbo to get over you and accept me, so trust me when I say I’m terrified he—”

“You don’t know him very well if you think he’d leave you, for all that you love him,” Thorin said. “Bilbo is more honorable than anyone I’ve ever met, and braver than a seasoned warrior. To call him friend is an honor. To be his husband, well, I couldn’t think of anyone luckier.”

Frerin nodded. “I am a fool.”

“We both are,” Thorin assured him. Frerin stepped back, taking a deep breath. “I’m sure Balin would be interested in giving you a tour.”

Frerin grinned. “Being able to see Balin would be good. And Dwalin.”

“You might find it interesting that Dwalin is married, then.”

“Oh?”

“Our head librarian’s his husband.”

Frerin laughed. “I knew it! I knew he would end up with someone small. Tell me this husband of his is also adorable.”

“He’s a Ri.”

“Definitely adorable then,” Frerin said, laughing.

* * *

 

~Khuzdul~

Amad=mother

Dashshatuh=my sons

Namad=Sister

Nadad=Brother


	9. Chapter 9

If Fili was mad, check the training grounds. And there he was, beating at a straw dummy with his sword as Thorin approached. Fili spotted him and lowered his blades. “I should get to work, I know,” he said, “But…”

“Don't worry about it," Thorin said. "A letter had been sent out to the guilds you were going to visit stating that you’d see them tomorrow.” Fili blinked. Thorin hung his coat up and removed the crown. “I would much rather,” he then adjusted his vambraces, “that you _not_ take your ire on those who do not deserve it,” he entered the training ring and pulled Orcrist out.

“But I am not angry at you either,” Fili said.

“No, you are angry on my behalf. I am honored, Fili, truly, but you know I can fight my own battles. And in this I need no allies. Not against my brother. Your mother and I are enough to handle Frerin. You, on the other hand, I want you concentrating on being the Crown Prince. Now show me what sort of warrior the crown prince claims to be.”

Fili arched a brow and raised his twin blades as Thorin held Orcrist up. Fili charged first. Thorin blocked one of his swords and dodged another, hooking his foot around Fili’s and pulled it out from under him. Fili went down and rolled aside to avoid Thorin’s blade. He got back to his feet and blocked an overhead assault from Thorin.

Fili pushed himself up against Thorin and shoved him back. Thorin stepped back and swung Orcrist in an arc aimed for Fili’s neck. Fili ducked and halted short of a kill with one blade pressed into Thorin’s breast and the other under his chin.

“Feeling better?”

“A little bit. I don’t understand why you and Amad won’t do anything about the way Frerin—”

“I know,” Thorin said. “You can’t imagine Kili and you ever being at odds. You’re close and your mother and I thank Mahal that you are.” He sheathed Orcrist. “But here’s the thing. Not every group of siblings are as close as the two of you are.”

“You and Amad are pretty close.”

“Yes, but we weren’t always. After we lost our father, she and I were all we had left and we didn’t want to lose each other, so we got close. And then she met your father.” Thorin swung his arm around Fili’s neck. “But here’s the thing, _irakdashatuh_ , that wasn’t always the case. When your mother and I were children, as the eldest, I was forced to grow up faster than either your mother or Frerin.

“Anything my siblings did wrong was instantly pinned on me, as if it were my fault. Dis and Frerin always got away with things I could only dream of. And Dis, well, being the only daughter born to the line of Durin in centuries, she was always getting what she wanted. Spoiled not only by the family but by the servants and people as well. She could get away with nearly everything.

“Your grandfather was the only one who had any hope of reigning them in, especially when their teasing grew too relentless for me. Thror, especially later in life, didn’t bother much in reigning any of us in, especially Frerin or Dis. Being the eldest son of the eldest son, there were times I felt almost crushed by the weight that was my duty. I was not the crown prince, but I going to be king after my father—or would have been.”

“And grandfather?”

“He fell under it too. For a while, there was a lot of strife within the royal family. As you did not recognize me, I did not recognize my father and grandfather half the time. And I have digressed.”

“You often do,” Fili said, smirking. Thorin cuffed the back of his head, lightly.

“Cheeky brat,” Thorin muttered, pulling him into a headlock. “You never learn.” Fili just grinned. “I suppose, to make my point: Frerin, Dis, and I never really had the same relationship you and Kili had. When Kili was born, you were always close, fascinated by this little baby. By Mahal, you _wept_ when you realized he’d grow up at his first birthday.”

“Can we _not_ talk about that?” Fili moaned. “No one lets me live that down.”

“And you never will till my dying breath.”

“Considering you die last…”

“Fair point. Either way, you and Kili never had the same rivalry Dis and I had. We grew out of it, but even now, it’s there. When Frerin was born, I was not happy. I isolated myself from my family and didn’t want anything to do with them. Unlike you, I was convinced they had another child because they didn’t want me, that I wasn’t enough. I grew out of that, but that feeling of being replaced never really left.”

“Is that why you’re always so hard on yourself?”

“In a way,” Thorin said. “I was worried you’d feel the same way after Kili, but I think we talked about it often enough for you to know that you were irreplaceable to your mother and I—and your father. And It was hard, after your father died, I was very worried that you’d think my stepping in would be as if I was replacing him.”

“Nah, you were pretty clear that wasn’t what you were doing. I never felt like you were trying to do that,” Fili said. “Plus, Kili and I were pretty young, so I suppose we didn’t really…” Kili doesn’t remember him, but…”

“I know, lad,” Thorin said. “And I am thankful that you’re angry on my behalf, but I’m not going to incriminate my brother to get Bilbo back. We both know that would be wrong.”

“You could have gone after him.”

“No, Fili, I couldn’t. Erebor needed to be taken care of. Even if I could have tried to make things right with Bilbo, I, even now, am unworthy. After what I did to him, madness or not, I had no right to court him, let alone win his favor. I love him, I always will. And he knows that. But he made his decision and all I can do is respect it. I’m not happy about it, I feel betrayed by my own brother, but he didn’t marry Bilbo to spite me. Frerin may have been a child and a brat when I last saw him, but he had the makings of a great warrior, and as a warrior and a prince, he is honorable. He courted and wed Bilbo because he loved him, and he does love him.”

“You talked?”

“Just after breakfast, in fact,” he said. “He knows that his attempt at rising my ire last night was petty and childish. He apologized. Likely, Bilbo got to him long before you even gave a thought to him. To be honest, Dis learned of his decision to speak with me sooner. We had agreed that it’d need to be moderated, given our tempers at times, but it was surprisingly civil. Now look,” he let Fili go and pressed their foreheads together. “Do not let your anger get the better of you. What comes out of this situation is between Frerin and me only. I do not want you, Kili, or your mother taking sides in this. I got it. Okay?” Fili nodded. “Good.” He let go. “I have to go, but you’ve the rest of the day to reign in your anger. I want you ready to visit those guilds tomorrow.”

“Yes, Uncle.” Thorin sheathed Orcrist and gathered his cloak and crown. “Thorin?” he looked at Fili. “I am sorry about this. I know how hard it was on you, losing Bilbo, so I know it’s just Frerin you feel betrayed by. I don’t know what I’d do if Kili and I were to have a falling out and he married my One.”

“I doubt it will,” Thorin said. “And I’m not angry at Bilbo for finding love with someone else. Yes, I feel betrayed, but it’s not my decision.”

“He broke your heart.”

“And I broke his,” Thorin said. “Sometimes there’s no coming back from that.”

“It doesn’t change that he married the wrong brother,” Fili said. “You gave him your heart and he still has it. This One business. I don’t see anything but pain in it.”

Thorin sighed. “There is pain regardless. Elves feel it. Men do too. And yet they still seek love as much as we do. Love is pain, but it is also joy. Bilbo has my heart, yes. He always will. I will treasure him however he wishes me to. As it happens, I can only love him as a brother and a friend. Yes, I will likely always crave more, but indulging that and hoping…that would just make it worse. What he gives will have to be enough and one day I am sure I will be all right with that. It hurts, but that is normal. One day, I hope it won’t hurt so much.”

Fili still didn’t seem convinced and perhaps it would be as long for him to find peace as it would for Thorin.

“Come on,” Throin said. “It’s nearly time for the mid-day meal anyway.”

#

Bilbo almost started at the hands encircled around his waist, turning his head to see Frerin. “Did I scare you?” he asked.

“I keep expecting Fili and Kili to try and sneak up on me or something of that sort,” he admitted.

“Would they?” Frerin asked, kissing Bilbo’s neck.

“I wouldn’t put it past them, even if they do seem more mature now. Did you apologize to your brother?”

“Yes, dear,” Frerin said, kissing his cheek. “He was more civil than I expected him to be.”

“After all this time, I would _hope_ the two of you matured even if just a touch,” Bilbo said. “Come on, lunch is just about ready.”

Frerin hugged him a little tighter. “Thank you, love! You’re one of the valar!”

“And you’ve not eaten since first breakfast, have you?”

“I _tried_ to get Balin to take me to the kitchen. He said that I should’ve had a bigger breakfast.” Bilbo laughed. He could see Balin saying that with the straightest face possible. “Thorin told me Dwalin married.”

“Yes! Ori, the friend I spent my morning with, is Dwalin’s husband.”

“I knew it! I _knew_ he’d settle down with someone adorable!” Bilbo arched a brow and Frerin cleared his throat. “It’s just an expression, _sanzigiluh_ ,” Frerin said. “I love you. You know that.”

Bilbo snorted. “I can’t do it. I can’t stay mad.”

“Were you even mad?”

“No. Not really. It’s fun to watch you squirm,” Bilbo teased, kissing him. He squeaked when Frerin pulled him into his lap and deepened the kiss. “I need to check the steak.”

“Okay.”

The door opened and locked shut, startling Bilbo and Frerin. Bofur pushed a chest in front of the door. He grinned at them. “You don’t want to know. It involves Dori and Nori and that is all I will say on the matter. Bilbo I am trusting you to hide me, being my _buhel_ and all.”

“If I must, but I want the whole damn story, Bofur.”

“Can’t do that. Trust me. It’s ugly.”

“But we agreed that what’s ugly for you is hilarious for me,” Bilbo said.

“I feel like I’m missing something,” Frerin said. Bilbo sighed.

“You’re lucky I make extra,” he muttered, returning to the kitchen.

“You’re a gem, Bilbo!” Bofur said, grinning. There was more knocking and Bofur joined him in the kitchen while Frerin went to admit the newcomer. “Hide me,” Bofur whispered.

“Pantry’s over there.”

Bofur dove inside and shut the door just as Frerin called for Bilbo too come to the door.

“Hello, Dis,” he said. “What brings you here?”

“Wondering whether or not you two would like to eat with the rest of the family,” she said. “Though I have been told that Thorin and Fili decided to go off on their own, so it’s just me and Kili right now.”

“I’m afraid I’ve just about finished making lunch. Though, Bofur is in the pantry.”

Dis furrowed her brow. “Why?”

“Something to do with the Ri brothers.”

“Oh. I’ll direct them in the other direction then,” she said.

Bilbo snorted. “You’re nicer than I would be.”

“Perhaps. How about dinner then. Just the six of us.”

“Sounds good,” Bilbo said. Frerin didn’t seem so keen on it and Dis narrowed her eyes at him.

“It’s just Fili doesn’t seem to, uh, like me.”

“He takes after me in many respects,” she said. “I’d just give him a little time to get to know you. I’ll see you tonight if not sooner, brothers.”

With that, she left. Bilbo closed the door. “What happened between you and Fili?”

“I don’t know. I think it’s more he’s angry at me for what transpired between me and Thorin last night.”

“He is close to Thorin, but Dis is right. Let him get to know you a bit. I’m sure it’ll work out in the end. Now, I should get Bofur and the food.”

“Sure.”

* * *

 ~Khuzdul~

Irakdashatuh=my nephew

Sanzigiluh=my mithril

Buhel=friend of all friends/best friend


	10. Chapter 10

Word of Frerin’s return spread through the three kingdoms like wildfire as the announcement that his return would be celebrated at the end of a three day period was announced all over Erebor.

By the end of the first week since Bilbo’s and Frerin’s return, the entire Mountain and all of Dale knew that Frerin had survived Azanulbizar. Along with that was rumor to how Frerin and Bilbo knew each other.

Some said Bilbo found him and brought him along while on the way. Others believed that Bilbo had been hiding him for decades. Others were like the second group, save they were closest in saying that they’d known each other only a few years.

But aside from these groups were further dissent about whom Bilbo ought to have chosen. Some of Erebor believed he was trying to destroy the family from the inside, tear it apart. Which, the second half figured was ludicrous. He wouldn’t be the first to have two others state that he was their One.

Did anyone really blame others for making their choice?

Why get mad at him for doing what countless others have done before?

Frerin ground his teeth as Nori reported to the family the morning before the feast. Thorin looked just as livid and Dis was half a beat away from sending the guards out to find the source of the gossip. It was left to Fili, Kili, and Bilbo to keep as much peace as possible.

When Nori was dismissed, Bilbo took Frerin’s hand in his.

“It’s not really that bad,” he said. “It could be worse, you know.”

“I do know,” Frerin growled. “But this is not the Shire.”

“I do not think being in the Shire or out stops gossiping.” Bilbo smiled. “Besides, the worse they’re saying is that I might break the family apart, so really, best way to prove that wrong is to do your best to get along with Thorin and Fili.”

Fili glared at Bilbo. “You’re not serious.”

“Actually, that’s a good idea,” Dis said. “At the moment, the only one here who is not even _attempting_ to be civil is _you_ , Fili.” Kili nodded and Fili glared at him as if Kili siding with their mother was the highest form of betrayal.

“What? He can be a bit of an orc, but so can I!” Kili said. “You know that. It’s a little brother thing!”

Frerin nodded. “Can’t live with us, can’t sell us to traveling minstrels.”

“It’s true,” Thorin said. “I tried.”

Frerin turned to him. “When?”

“You would’ve been about six months old. I almost got kidnapped instead. That was perhaps the angriest Adad had _ever_ been with me.”

Dis’ shoulders shook and she hid her face behind her hand as she laughed.

“All I remember is trying to sell Dis to minstrels!”

“And that was the angriest Amad had been, but since it failed tremendously, Adad couldn’t stop laughing about it.”

“Yeah, I remember that.”

“You tried to sell me to minstrels?”

“Technically traveling jesters,” Thorin said. “We didn’t even make it out the door.”

“Didn’t we try again later?”

“Yep, didn’t go so swell either.”

“No. It wouldn’t have.”

“What did you do to each other?” Kili cried. Fili patted his head.

“As I said, the two of you are a rather unique pair of siblings,” Thorin said. “Very unique.”

“And I’m starting to be increasingly grateful that I was an only child.”

“You poor thing,” Dis teased.

“You missed out,” Thorin added.

“Definitely,” Frerin said.

Bilbo glared at them. “You were just talking about how _horrid_ having siblings is!”

“Horrible? No. Just a pain in the persqueeter,” Frerin said. Kili threw his head back and laughed. Fili smacked the back of his head, though it didn’t really change much about Kili’s amusement.

“I think I have a way of showing that Frerin’s and Bilbo’s marriage does not affect our family,” Dis said. “They already know that Thorin still loves Bilbo—and there is no reason for you to look so guilty about it, Bilbo. You’re hardly the first to have two Dwarves in love with you.—so the matter at hand is showing that we can be happy for our brother regardless. After all, if we don’t, others will start to assume that we may be above the law, which we are not.”

“I think I understand.”

“There have been incidents similar to ours before,” Frerin explained. “Rare, but it does happen. Sometimes, the rejected party will retaliate violently and we end up having to find a way to protect the victim or victims from them.”

“A person’s autonomy and free will is important to Dwarves,” Thorin explained. “So much so that when three people are in the same situation we are in, where two are in love with the same person, the decision made must be…you look confused.”

“That would be because I am,” Bilbo said.

Dis cleared her throat. “Frerin and Thorin are both in love with you, but you chose Frerin, so Thorin must respect that no matter how much it pains him to see you two together. Others have been in their place, and those who are in Thorin’s position as the rejected party have to respect those in your position, Bilbo, and those who don’t end up banished and dishonored or worse because they refuse to accept that you made your decision.”

“So tonight, even though Thorin isn’t okay with it, he will respect it,” Frerin said.

“As king, in all things, I must set an example,” Thorin said. “If I go around breaking rules such as this, it shows the people two things. The first is that they might see that the royal family is above the law. The other is that if I can break it, others can and will interpret it as something they can do.”

Bilbo nodded. “Is there anything I need to do? Ceremonially?”

“Nah,” Frerin said. “Should just be your average feast. No need to make things more complicated than they need to be. The most ceremonial it may get is some bunting.”

“Bunting?”

Frerin grinned. “You know how many Dwarves, especially in families, head butt each other, or bump foreheads.”

“Yes.”

“Cats do the same thing. It’s called bunting. It’s a greeting and a sign of affection. That’s likely as ceremonial as it will get.”

“Fair enough,” Bilbo said. “Just don’t knock me out on accident again.”

“It was _one time_! Am I ever going to hear the end of it?” Frerin snapped.

Bilbo shook his head, smirking. “Never. Not if I can help it. Not till my dying day…what other ways are there to say no.”

“Not ever,” Fili said.

“When the black gates fall,” Kili added.

“When horses talk,” Fili continued.

“Shut up,” Frerin muttered, leaning back in his seat.

Bilbo kissed his cheek and laid his head on his shoulder. “I love you.”

“I know you do. The abundant, incessant teasing overflows with adoration.”

Bilbo pouted. “I don’t mean it to be incessant.”

Thorin stood and excused himself.

Once he closed the door behind him, he released the breath he’d been holding. He knew he’d have to get used to seeing them together, but he’d be damned if he denied that it hurt.

Seeing Bilbo smile at Frerin, looking so much like the sun, felt like he was intruding on something that he wasn’t allowed to see anymore. Something that he was a part of before and now could not even bear to be near without risking temptation. He walked away, trying to banish the image imprinted in his head to no avail until the pain built up too much for him to handle and he switched his route from the throne room to the training grounds.

~Two Years Ago~

“What is it?” Bilbo asked, running his fingers through Frerin’s hair. “You’re deep in thought.”

“Aye, I am,” Frerin said, pulling away reluctantly. “Bilbo, I love you.”

“I know,” Bilbo said, smiling. “I love you, too.”

“I may be too soon asking, but…would you marry me?”

Bilbo blinked, stunned. “What?”

“Would you let me name you husband?”

“I…is that even possible?”

“Do Hobbits not…”

“No, marriage has always been considered something only a man and a woman could do. If it were possible, I would say yes, but I fear that—”

“Bilbo,” Frerin squeezed his hand and kissed it. “It is possible among my people, even if it isn’t possible here. We don’t have to be here. We can go to the Blue Mountains. Someone there might be willing to marry us. I want to marry you.”

“Truly? Your people allow two men to marry?”

Frerin nodded.

“Is there anyone in the Blue Mountains who would be willing to keep it secret? Or perhaps—actually maybe we can do it here. My relatives in Tookland might think it novel enough.”

“But your reputation would take another hit.”

Bilbo scoffed. “What reputation?” he asked. “I believe I tossed it out the window the moment I ran after thirteen dwarves going to a dragon infested mountain. I would love to marry you. If it is possible, then I want to marry you. Truly. But let’s not get our hopes up yet! Let me write them, ask them what they think about it. If they say no, we’ll go to the Blue Mountains.”

Frerin kissed him. “You think too much. And talk too much.”

Bilbo snickered, wrapping his arms around Frerin’s neck as he kissed him. “Perhaps,” he said. “But even if we can’t, I would not say no to spending the rest of my life with you.”

Frerin grinned and pushed Bilbo down on the couch.

“Oi! You know the rules! Not where anyone could be looking through the blasted windows!”

“Let them watch.”

“ _Frerin_!”

“Okay! Okay,” He got up and pulled Bilbo to the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> headcannon:
> 
> It's already established that headbutting is a form of greeting and sometimes affection among relatives and friends in Dwarven culture, but I realized today that cats do the same thing when my cat headbutted my forehead. It's called bunting and it's a way of a cat saying this person is mine or I know this person. So I figured Dwarves have the same concept. Cat!Dwarves!!!!
> 
> Also...BILBO YOU SASSY SHIT!!!


	11. Chapter 11

Thorin slid his boots on and tied string around them to keep them from coming undone. Once done, he sat hunched over, staring at his hands, wondering not for the first time if he could have done anything different that would had led to another outcome.

With a sigh, he stood and grabbed his cloak and the crown. It felt heavier than usual and the weight felt like it was pushing him down and down and down…

“Thorin?” He went to the door and admitted Dis. She looked him over once and embraced him. “I know it hurts, but you can do this.”

“It’s more than that, isn’t it though,” he said. “I have to.” Dis pressed her forehead to his. “Can I look happy for him? Can I really do this, Dis? I feel like I’m about to fall apart.”

She took the crown off and set it down. Then she approached the vanity and picked up the brush. “Sit.” 

Thorin obeyed, allowing her to fix his hair. Not that he thought it needed to be fixed, but it offered some comfort nevertheless.

“I’m not going to reiterate what you already know. You know what you have to do. I know you can do it, even if it hurts seeing them together. I know this because you already have done it several times already. You are heartbroken. The kingdom knows it, but how you act despite it is going to play a huge role in tonight. I know you can do this. And Frerin agreed to behave.”

“On pain of sleeping on the couch, I suppose.”

Dis snorted. “You know Bilbo well for someone who hadn’t seen him in years.” Thorin managed to smile. “Actually, it was Fili who set down the law this morning. After you left.”

“Do I want to know?”

“He said if Frerin did something to spite you again, he’d have his beard. If you can talk to him sometime again…”

“I will,” Thorin said. “I thought I got it through his head already.”

“You did, but your nephews are loyal to you. Kili is with him now.”

“Is it worrying if I say I’m more concerned about Fili than I am Frerin?” Thorin asked.

“No. I think it’s wise. Fili should know better than to treat his family like this. He’ll listen to you. May I ask how you really feel about Frerin’s return?”

“As Bilbo’s husband?”

“As our brother. I know it’s muddled because of that detail, but if it wasn’t there, how would you feel?”

“Aside from guilt from almost killing my brother?” he asked. “Joy. I’d be happy to have Frerin home, and I’m trying to keep that in mind. My brother is home. _Our_ brother is home. I can’t change what I did to him.” Thorin touched the side of his face where Frerin’s burn scars were. “But I can welcome him home at least and be glad that he found his One.”

“A part of me wonders if he did.”

“You don’t approve of his marriage?”

Dis set the brush down and began to plait his hair. “It’s not a matter of approval, it’s more…more that Frerin, as I remember, has always been more of a romantic. Perhaps he’s mellowed out enough to marry, but he always was jealous of you enough to woo those who fancied you. You, on the other hand, never really paid attention to your suitors. It was like you didn’t know nor care for their existence. But he wooed them because they wanted you. Before the battle, I wanted to rebuke him for it. I do not doubt that he is happy with Bilbo or vice versa, but it’s still the same problem as before. Of course, there is nothing we can do about it now. Were they still courting, I’d probably be tempted to cuff his ears.”

“Dis. Don’t.”

“Don’t what? Tell you what I see? I see my brothers in love with the same person, one of whom had been unaware that he’d been waiting for years for someone like this person to come along. You’ve _never_ showed interest in anyone until Bilbo. Maybe you thought of love, maybe you thought of marriage but before it was just something akin to duty.”

“What are you getting at?” Thorin snapped.

Dis grew silent. “I do not think that Bilbo should not have married Frerin,” she said. “I think he should have married you and while I do not believe Bilbo sees it this way, I think he settled for the younger brother because he doubted how much you loved him. Whether Frerin and Bilbo are aware of it, I do not think their relationship is as genuine as it ought to be.” She finished braiding his hair and picked up the crown. “I am afraid, Thorin, of what will happen to our family. I’m scared for Frerin. And I’m scared for Bilbo. I’m afraid that most of the mountain believes that Frerin stole your One and that he has no right to even be with Bilbo. I am afraid of it because that is how I see it.”

She put the crown on Thorin’s head and he stood, turning to her.

“You have traveled with them,” he said. “Is that really what you’ve seen? Because I see that Bilbo is happy and while I regret that he couldn’t be happy with me, it’s all I want for him. And if Frerin makes him happy, then so be it. It doesn’t matter how much I love Bilbo. He isn’t mine to love. He hasn’t been for years. Yes, I love him, but filling me with hope isn’t going to make tonight, or any other day, easier to bear. He loves Frerin. As much as it hurts, I will support them.”

“What I see is another fight looming between the two of you,” she said. “And this time, someone might actually get more than hurt feelings and wounded pride. It’s the same thing that had been there before, just worse. Rather than two brothers fighting over a doll, you’re fighting over a person.”

“We aren’t fighting.”

“Yet! Bilbo is your One, not Frerin’s.”

“Will you drop it?!” Thorin shouted. Dis’ eyes widened then grew steely. Thorin pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry.”

“Bilbo loves you. He might not think he does right now, but he does. Give it time and what Frerin fears most will come to pass,” she said.

“I’m going to tell you what I told Frerin when he told me what he feared: Bilbo isn’t just going to abandon his marriage. Even if what you say is true. He wouldn’t do that. He’s too honest. He will do what he deems to be right, no matter how difficult it may be because that is who he is.”

Dis huffed, and crossed her arms. “You think it’s easy for us to watch? When I heard that Bilbo had married, I wanted to hate him. You understand that, don’t you? I was ready to hate him.”

“But you don’t.”

“I don’t. More I pity him for giving into Frerin’s lies.”

“How do you know they are? Has Frerin been unfaithful? Has he hurt Bilbo? Dis, unless you have concrete proof that Frerin has hurt him, you will leave it alone. For all we know, Frerin does love him. And yes, it hurts, but what you’ve told me is not a balm. You understand?”

Dis nodded. “All right. Let’s go, but don’t expect me to be able to take this anymore. I don’t know how much longer I can stand the heartbreak in your eyes.” She turned and went to the door. Thorin followed. When it swung open, Frerin stood there, stunned. He fixed a glare at Dis. “Frerin, I—” He walked away and Dis pinched the bridge of her nose. “Do you think the people were right about us being torn apart?”

Thorin hoped not. He placed his hands on Dis’ shoulders and pushed her out of the doorway. “It won’t come to that. We’ll handle it later. Hopefully Frerin will have enough time to calm down and we can discuss this like adults.”

“You mean pretend to.”

#

Frerin and Thorin embraced at dinner and Thorin bunted Bilbo lightly, welcoming them in Khuzdul as his brothers. He could tell that Frerin was still upset by the conversation he’d overheard between Dis and Thorin, but right now was not the time to clear things up.

Besides, this was Dis’ opinion on the matter.

Thorin didn’t want to cause a rift in the family, but if they weren’t careful, a rift would appear nevertheless despite their efforts. Or just his, as it seemed he was the only one even _trying_ to find something positive in this.

At least, he hoped he was trying. Bilbo seemed happy, which meant Frerin hadn’t confided in him.

Thorin hoped he’d talk to him and Dis first before it escalated any further.

He tapped Frerin’s arm. “ _We need to talk_ ,” he said in Khuzdul. “ _Privately. The three us after dinner_.”

“ _Yes, we do_ ,” Frerin said. “ _Think Dis will be civil_?”

“ _Dis loves you. You’re our brother. We both love you, regardless what we think about your relationship with Bilbo. I’m doing all I can to respect it. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. In some cases, it’s_ very _difficult, Frerin. Dis sees that and she is drawing a conclusion based on that._ ”

“ _Isn’t she usually right?_ ”

“ _Is she?_ ” Thorin asked, arching a brow.

Frerin glanced at Bilbo, who was conversing with Fili—

An arrow landed in Kili’s shoulder.

From there, the room was full of chaos. Thorin motioned at Nori to hunt the attacker down and Dwalin to take Kili to the healer. Frerin seized Bilbo around the arm and pulled him behind him as Fili and Dwalin took Kili away.

“What in the name of Durin is going on?!” Frerin asked.

“What?” Dis snarled. “Never had anyone try to assassinate you before?”

“ _Dis_ ,” Thorin hissed. “Go with your sons.”

“HOW CAN YOU REMAIN CALM?!”

“Because I don’t have a choice _but_ to remain calm,” he said. “We will find who did this and he will be brought to justice. I promise.”

Dis growled. “Find him. I’m going with my sons.”

“Bilbo, go with her,” Frerin said.

“No,” Bilbo snapped. “I’m going with you.”

“This isn’t safe!”

“Neither is facing a dragon, but I managed that all right. This is nothing.” Frerin glared at him and Thorin tried not to smile. He failed.

“What?” Frerin asked.

“You’re way over your head if you think you can control him.”

“I’m trying to keep him safe.”

“I know. I tried that too. The result was that he’s better at being the knight. Get used to the position of damsel, Brother.”

“Are you two just going to keep jabbering on or are we going to find who hurt Kili?!”

“We’re coming.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New tags! Be aware. 
> 
> And I'm sorry...

The assassin escaped.

It was the only explanation.

It left Thorin with only one choice but to increase the watch on the palace guard and there was debate over whether he should impose a curfew on the kingdom. He opted against it, deciding that a curfew might actually incite rebellion.

Erebor might be back on its feet, but it was still wobbly. Anything the people deemed as unjust might force it to collapse.

Dis had fallen asleep in her chair by Kili’s side and Fili’s head was on her shoulder. It wasn’t the same image as it used to be, where Fili could fit on his mother’s lap, but it remained precious nevertheless.

Thorin massaged his forehead and glanced at Kili, sleeping soundly and heavily medicated. His shoulder bandaged. Oin had guessed that this was not a kill shot and the arrow had not been poisoned.

Likely, someone just wanted to scare them.

It was possible that he hadn’t intended to hit anyone.

“How is he doing?”

Thorin looked at Frerin.

“Seems fine, for now,” he said.

Frerin glanced at Dis and Fili.

“You can come in.”

“Can I?”

“You’re a part of this family, too and Kili is your nephew as much as mine.”

Frerin sighed and sat on the edge of the bed, staring at Kili.

“At least one of you accept me,” he said. “You know, Kili hasn’t been guarded around me. He tried to get to know me unlike his brother.”

“Kili’s always seen the best of people. He’s a strong Dwarf. This isn’t the first time he’d been shot. The last time had been much worse. A Morgul arrow was shot into his leg. It took Elfish medicine for him to survive. This was child’s play compared to that.”

“I suppose it would be if you survived a Morgul arrow.”

Thorin chuckled. “Aye.” He looked from Kili to Frerin. “I know you love him. I know you aren’t using him to spite me. You’d never have gotten married if you were. Bilbo’s too smart to be tricked like that.”

“Aye, he is.”

“I haven’t a doubt that you love him. Or that he loves you. Dis might see it any way she likes and can predict whatever she wants. I just want him to be happy and he is. I can’t ask for more than that.”

Frerin hummed. “He is still your One.”

“He is yours, too, even if Dis does not agree. Yes, you have courted anyone that showed interest in me, but I did not mind. I always thought of it is as your way of having my back since I never really cared for it. I was all right with marrying for politics. I knew that if any of us had a chance to marry for love it was you. I was going to be King one day. I didn’t have the luxury. And Dis? Grandfather likely would have used her as a bargaining chip with another kingdom. I thank Mahal that never happened. I wouldn’t have had my nephews otherwise.”

Frerin sighed. “I do love him, Thorin. I’m jealous of you. I know you had him first and you loved him perhaps as deeply as a Dwarf can love someone. I know you still love him. I see it whenever you look at him. I see the heartbreak just as plainly as Dis does, especially when Bilbo and I are affectionate.”

“I don’t feel like you should be reserved for the sake of my comfort,” Thorin said. “That’s not fair of me to ask, so I won’t.”

“This doesn’t feel like us.”

Thorin smiled. “I like to think we aren’t children anymore and that we’re capable of trying to see the bigger picture. I’m doing what I can to be happy for Bilbo. That doesn’t mean it won’t hurt.”

“Careful brother,” Frerin said. “Wanting the love of your life to be happy even at the expense of your own never ends well.”

“What do you mean?”

“I fell in love with him while he was still in love with you.”

“He was never married to me.”

“No, but you weren’t there. I was.”

“And that is why I think you married him to spite Thorin,” Dis said. Thorin glared at her and made a cutting motion over his throat. Frerin stood.

“I suppose I overstayed my welcome here,” he said.

“No, you haven’t,” Thorin said. “Dis can I talk to you. In the hallway.”

Dis gently pushed Fili off her and left the room. Thorin took her arm and led her a few feet away from the door.

“What is wrong with you?” he asked. “That is our _brother_?! Am I the only one here who remembers that?!”

“Of course not, but this tension is only going to get worse. One of you will snap and I’m quite convinced that it will be you! Frerin knew Bilbo was yours. He _knew_. And he _still_ married him!”

“You truly think so lowly of our brother that you would condemn him?”

“Frerin and you _never_ got along. Why are you bothering now?”

“Maybe because we’re adults?”

“Doubtful,” Dis growled. “No, the two of you are trying to keep Bilbo in the dark about the truth of your relationship. You because you don’t want to upset him and _him_ because he knows if Bilbo finds out he played him, it’d be grounds for divorce!”

“Has it ever occurred to you that _maybe_ Frerin does love him? Genuinely?”

“And if the arrow had been for Bilbo?” she asked. “If you find the archer who shot it, if you _find_ out why he targeted us—”

“We don’t _know_ why. Not yet. I wouldn’t speculate anything right now. Dis,” He took her shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “Do not jump to conclusions about anything. Not yet. We don’t know what is going on and lately I feel as though I’m the only one in this family trying to make an effort to accept that my brother married the love of my life.

“I won’t deny I’m angry. Nor upset. I am. However, I won’t believe that Frerin married Bilbo to spite me. I won’t believe that Bilbo married him to replace me. Bilbo is _not_ that kind of person and if you’d stop looking at me and look at _them_ you might see that they are happy. That’s enough for me, even if it doesn’t feel like it.”

“And watch you fade?”

“Am I fading? Have I stopped acting like myself? Have I abandoned my duties? Locked myself away—don’t answer that!”

He took a breath.

“Dis, talk to Frerin. Don’t accuse him of doing something when we don’t _know_ if that is what happened. Stop thinking on what his marriage is doing to me and think about what we’re doing to him. I won’t let you _or_ Fili persecute him for falling in love with Bilbo. That’s not right! If not for Frerin or Bilbo, then for me.”

Someone cleared their throat.

Dis and Thorin turned to Bilbo. His arms were crossed and there was a dark gleam in his eyes.

“Do I want to know what’s going on here?” he asked. “Only, it seems there’s question of my relationship with Frerin and it’s starting to get on my nerves.”

Thorin could believe that. He stepped back.

This could only get ugly and he didn’t want to be anywhere near Dis and Bilbo right now.

“Have fun explaining to the Hobbit, Dis.”

He made for Kili’s room and locked the door. Frerin blinked.

“You don’t want to know,” Thorin said. “It’s about to become a warzone out there.”

“Why?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“I’m sure I do.”

“Bilbo overheard Dis and me.”

Frerin paled. “Barricade the door.”

He went to one side of Kili’s bed and Thorin the other. They pushed it against the wall and Kili groaned. “Why are you moving my bed?”

“Better if you don’t know,” Thorin said.

“Mahal’s hammer, if you are trying to hide from Amad again…”

“Kili, by now you should know the importance of self-preservation where your mother is concerned.”

“And you should know that these attempts are pointless against her,” Kili said, sitting up. “What did I miss?”

“Not much. Just an arrow through the shoulder.”

Kili hummed. “I hate this family.”

“No you don’t,” Thorin said, squeezing his good shoulder. They winced at the furious shout down the hall. “Though it probably wouldn’t matter if you did.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's sad. Then it's wtf. It's sad. Then it's wtf. 
> 
> I don't know why...


	13. Chapter 13

Frerin found Bilbo in their room, curled up on the couch with a cup of tea and staring at the fire burning in the hearth. He sat beside him, wrapping an arm around Bilbo’s shoulder.

“I thought that if anyone would have a problem, it’d be Thorin,” Bilbo admitted. “I never thought it’d be Dis and Fili.”

Frerin kissed his temple and pulled the tea cup—now cold—out of Bilbo’s hands.

He set it down and pulled Bilbo into his lap. Bilbo laid his head on Frerin’s shoulder and Frerin combed his fingers through Bilbo’s hair.

“I don’t know why Dis turned on us,” Frerin said. “I don’t know why she thinks you made the wrong choice. What I do know is that she loves Thorin and I think she wants him to be happy. I want that to, but not at our expense. Dis…she knows what I used to be like and she still thinks I’m like that.”

“And what was that?”

“Not someone you’d have liked either,” he admitted.

He confessed his past transgressions against Thorin, about stealing the men and women who fancied Thorin, taking them for himself.

“Thorin and I talked about that,” he said. “Seems Thorin saw it as a relief of sorts. He never was the sort to fall in love.”

 _Not till he met you_ , he thought. It left him feeling bitter.

What if Dis was right?

He swallowed, tightening his embrace around Bilbo. He pressed his face to Bilbo’s curls.

“It doesn’t matter what Dis and Fili think,” he said. “I love you and you chose me. By the grace of Mahal, against all odds, you chose me. I’ll never be able to understand that. I’ll never understand why you chose me.”

#

Bilbo was beginning to wonder that too.

Why did he choose Frerin?

Wasn’t it because he loved him too?

Wasn’t Frerin the one who pulled him out of his despair when he was certain that he’d never see Thorin again?

Certain that Thorin hadn’t loved him?

Bilbo raised his head and kissed Frerin. He adjusted his position on Frerin’s lap, straddling him and he threaded his fingers through Frerin’s hair.

This was his husband.

This was supposed to be the love of his life.

Not Thorin.

True, Thorin would always have a place in Bilbo’s heart. But Frerin was his husband. He pledged his life to Frerin and Frerin was the one who healed him when he was so heartbroken he didn’t know what he’d do without Thorin.

Frerin lifted him and they went to bed.

#

Thorin could never curb the need to sleep light. He always kept a weapon close at hand. In fact, there was a dagger under his pillow.

He opened his eyes at the bump outside the door.

The door creaked open and he closed his eyes, rolling over and sliding his hand under the pillow to grip the dagger. The trespasser barely touched Thorin when he acted. Thorin twisted around and embedded the dagger in the trespasser’s throat.

Thorin pulled it out and watched the body fall to the ground. He approached the door.

There were two Dwarves keeping guard.

Thorin backed away, heading to grab Orcrist.

“Check on him.” One whispered.

“But—”

“The guards will be doing their rotation soon. Check.”

The second stepped inside. “Dugar? Are you—”

Thorin wrapped his arm around his throat, dagger pressed to his neck.

“Hoping I was dead?” he hissed. The Dwarf clawed at Thorin’s arm, but Thorin held tighter. “Enough of that.”

“Ravi, is it done?”

“Tell him to come in,” Thorin growled, loosening his hold Ravi’s neck and pressed the tip of the dagger to the base of his skull and unsheathed Orcrist.

“No,” he said. “It’s not done.”

“Damn it!”

The third entered, and Thorin held Orcrist up to him.

He held his hands up. “My king.” Thorin arched a brow.

“Sit. Both of you,” Thorin ordered. “You will tell me who hired you and why.”

“Lord Fari,” the second said.

“Shut up!”

“He intends to take out the line of Durin. All but Lady Dis.”

“I’m going to guess that marrying my sister is part of his plan. You didn’t kill me nor my nephew.”

“That wasn’t us! We were  told to take out the men, all the men.”

“Including Bilbo?”

“Yes.”

“You idiot!”

“Oh, I disagree. This is a Dwarf who wants to keep his life,” Thorin said. “So kill me, kill my brother, brother-in-law, and my nephews. Leaving just my sister to take the throne. Fari coerces her into a marriage she may or may not want…rather straightforward.”

“Please, my lord, have mercy!”

“Kill us if you will!”

“No, I don’t think I will.”

The doors swung open. “King Thorin!”

“I’m all right,” he told the guards. “Take these two to the dungeons. Separate them. And bring me Lord Fari.” The guards saluted and did as they were told. “Fetch Dwalin and Nori while you’re at it,” he said.

The guards bowed and left while Thorin cleaned the bloodstained dagger with shaking hands. He had to get ready to confront Fari.

#

Bilbo slept soundly beside him, his back to Frerin as Frerin stared at the ceiling.

He didn’t think Dis was right, but the doubt he’d been feeling since he heard her, the doubt he felt since Thorin began writing to Bilbo…

It wouldn’t go away and the nagging suspicion that Bilbo still loved Thorin wouldn’t give him peace. He knew Bilbo would be faithful; Thorin was convinced of it.

But what if, one day, he couldn’t anymore?

What if, one day, Bilbo did leave him for Thorin?

Frerin turned over to face Bilbo, arm wrapped around Bilbo’s waist and he hid his face in Bilbo’s curls, taking a shaky breath.

“I don’t want to lose you,” he whispered.

_I don’t want to lose you…_

#

“Body’s taken care of and a servant’s already at the room,” Dis said, joining Thorin in the throne room, her hair braided back.

Thorin lowered his hand from his temple.

“You don’t have to join me.”

“I heard the commotion across the hall, Thorin. You’re lucky I’m just as light a sleeper as you are. Besides, this concerns our family. I’ve every right to be here next to you, brother.”

Thorin sighed and nodded as Dis took her seat beside him. “What of Frerin and Bilbo?”

“Further down the hall. And I doubt they’d want to see me,” she said.

“Valid.”

“Someone had to say it, Thorin. I simply took the initiative to do so.”

“They won’t divorce because of that.”

“I know,” she said. “But perhaps what is so wrong about their union can be righted.”

“You’re idea of what is wrong is that Bilbo married the wrong brother.”

“He _did_ marry the wrong brother,” she said. “You just don’t want to believe that he did, even though we all know it. I know Frerin is our brother, but I’m not buying that he changed. He fell in love with Bilbo because you fell in love with him.”

The doors opened and, once again, the conversation would have to be set aside for later.

Dwalin dragged Fari by the arm and shoved him to his knees in front of the throne.

“Three Dwarves attacked me tonight,” Thorin said. “One of them was generous enough to tell me who hired them. He named you, Fari.”

“He lies, my lord. I have always, ever, been loyal to the throne of Erebor.”

Thorin and Dis exchanged a painful look. It was going to be one of _those_ moments.

“Nori,” Dis called.

Thorin didn’t think he’d ever figure out how she knew where Nori was, but when he came, he was blood soaked and wiping his face with a cloth.

“I take it you went to far?”

“One dead, one ratted, one mortally wounded having spilled the same information the rat did. Fari, according to them, planned to wipe out the line, marry you, my queen.”

Dis wrinkled her nose at that.

“And take over the throne. Not sure if he thought that through.”

Dis shook her head.

He certainly didn’t.

“You are certainly welcome to defend yourself any way you see fit,” Thorin said. “But given that there was an attempt on my life and my nephew’s as well, we must…be wary. I cannot, in good faith, let you go free as long as there is doubt against your loyalty.”

Fari looked about like a wild animal. His eyes fixed on Nori and they widened.

“Either way, even if it isn’t you, we are going to find out who is targeting my kin. Dwalin, take him away.”

Fari begged for mercy and compassion. He beseeched it shrilly, but Thorin and Dis were already heading back to bed.

“Well, that was easy,” Dis said. “Always nice not to have an audience.”

“Aye,” Thorin said.

He stopped and turned to a stairwell. He fingered Orcrist’s hilt.

“You go on to bed, Dis,” he said. “I’m not going to sleep again tonight any time soon.”

“Be careful,” she said.

“I will,” he promised, going his separate way.

At the top of the stairs was a balcony and there Frerin sat staring at the sky. “I didn’t think you remembered this place.”

Frerin looked at him. His eyes were swollen and blotchy.

“And not all is well.”

“You are certain that Bilbo is loyal?”

“I am. Even if he were to doubt, I don’t think he’d just give up on your marriage. He’d want to work it out with you. I’m not good at words, but of his loyalty, I have no doubt.”

“Love and loyalty do not always go hand in hand.”

“What I know is that they do,” Thorin said. “I lost him because I thought he betrayed me. I thought ‘why would he betray me like this if he loved me?’ Only later, I realized he did the one thing he could think of at the time and it was the most loyal thing he could do. And because I was…mad, I didn’t see it and I cast him away in anger and sorrow. I know you would not ever do what I did. I am unworthy to love him. You, on the other hand, if anyone can show him what it really means to love someone, it’s you.”

Frerin shook his head, staring at his hands. “Why do you doubt him so much?”

“Because you are whom he loves. Not me. He might not have realized it yet…but I have.”

“Have you talked to Bilbo about this?”

“How can I? I’m terrified of the truth.”

Thorin hummed and leaned against the balcony. “And what would you do if he does? Would you release him?”

“Would you if you were in my place? Without a fight?”

Thorin blinked and looked at Frerin. “No.”

“And there is your answer,” Frerin spat, leaving the balcony.

Thorin closed his eyes and bowed his head, willing himself not to cry.


	14. Chapter 14

It is never a good thing when Thorin receives two missives for a council meeting from his neighbors. Bard could be tolerable, but Thranduil? Mahal’s forge the bastard probably wanted to preen about such and such a thing. Though Thranduil had admitted he liked Dis.

A lot.

Not romantically, mind. Thorin wouldn’t have been able to handle that, but if Thranduil and Dis agreed, Thorin was bound to have a headache and a bad day. Bard at least felt the same as he when it came to Thranduil and Dis consorting.

He’d just have to hope that Dis behaved so that Thranduil would.

Agreeing to meet with them both in council at the same time—as it seemed that the problem at hand was the same—would be the best action. They would be in Erebor tomorrow, but till then, Thorin was left to fret over what the problem was till he heard back from Kili and his watch.

It was as bad as he had feared.

“Orcs?”

“Their coming from the South,” Kili said. “So they aren’t the usual rabble we’ve dealt with.”

“Any from the west?”

“None that I can tell,” Kili admitted. “Uncle, we can’t wait for Thranduil and Bard to get here. We need to ready our armies now.”

“Why?” Thorin asked. “You did not mention it was an army.”

“It’s not, it’s just a pack, but Uncle, they’re from Mordor. It’s the only other place they could possibly come from.”

“I am not jumping into a war that could be avoided. Orc packs can be handled.”

“But Bard and Thranduil are coming. And now the pack—that can’t be good. What if it means war _is_ on our doorstep again?”

“Then we will handle it,” Thorin promised, squeezing the back of his neck and pressing their foreheads together. “And if it is a war, I don’t want you on the field till you’re fully healed.” Kili scowled and Thorin released him. “I know it doesn’t suit you, but your mother would have my head if I let you fight when you are still injured.”

“I’m well enough to patrol.”

“Patrolling is not the same as fighting,” Thorin reminded him. “It’s just a few more days till Oin is convinced.” He wrapped an arm around his shoulder. “But you can always fortify the mountain,” he whispered. Kili beamed.

“I can do that.”

“Good. Now get out of here and wash up. You smell like a dog.”

“No more than you do,” Kili snapped teasingly as he ran off.

“You always were good with children.”

Thorin looked behind him at Frerin. “So are you. And Kili’s not a child anymore, even if he still acts like one. He’s a good warrior. And advisor when it suits him.”

“Really?”

“He’s more like his mother than he thinks for all that he is like his father,” Thorin said. “He’s good at what he does and he does his best. I couldn’t be prouder.”

“Him or Fili.”

“Both. Fili will make a good king one day, and Kili’s got a good eye for war, even if it is not his prerogative. But, you know, I always thought that was a good thing. Rather than wanting war, he’d fight one if it meant peace.”

“Different kings for a different era.”

“Here’s to hoping,” Thorin agreed. “Will you join us at the council?”

“I think I will,” Frerin said, “If I am welcome.”

“Why wouldn’t you be? Because of Dis? I know she terrifies you, Frerin, but you’ll have to find a way to reconcile.”

“She would have me leave Bilbo,” Frerin snapped. “I cannot forgive that, Thorin.”

“I’m not saying you should,” Thorin sighed. “But at the very least, can you try to tolerate her? Your insight could be helpful and you are a prince of Erebor. What happens next concerns you as much as it does me.”

Frerin hummed. “All right,” he said. “All right, I’ll be there. But if she says anything—”

“Dis is a professional negotiator, Brother. She isn’t going to divert from topic. Thranduil on the other hand…he might.” Frerin scoffed.

“Right,” he said. “The Elf would care.”

“It is Thranduil, and he’s downright petty. What would you expect?” Thorin asked. “Now I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry.”

Frerin hummed. “Wanna steal from the kitchen? For old times’ sake?”

Thorin hadn’t meant that, but what was the point of being a king if he couldn’t steal from the kitchens without repercussions?

#

There were repercussions.

There were very bad repercussions.

Bombur wasn’t one to let any thieves under the age of thirty run past him and being forced to clean the kitchen, king or not, well, Thorin hadn’t thought he’d feel so much like a fauntling again.

Bilbo had been there and he shouldn’t have felt so entertained by how he lectured Frerin before being turned on himself to receive an equally humiliating lecture on why he shouldn’t let Frerin drag him into his crime sprees and how Thorin really ought to have known better…

Still, they were given bowls of soup and some bread before being shooed out of the kitchen.

“As bad as Fili and Kili!”

“Actually,” they heard Bombur say, “Fili and Kili don’t steal food. Haven’t since they were old enough to work for it, so I hear.”

“Ah. Well. Worse than Fili and Kili then.”

“At their age? Yes.”

Frerin walked away and Thorin followed. “That could have gone better.”

“It was fun, though.”

“Getting yelled at by your husband is fun?”

“Were you not paying attention? He’s adorable when he’s angry.”

Thorin wasn’t sure it was wise to equate anger to anything relating to adorable or cute. True, it was endearing to see Bilbo puffed up a bit, but he’d never have said it was cute. At least not to Bilbo’s face.

“Maybe a little, but I’m usually more worried about him being angry than focused on how cute he is when angry.”

“Of course,” Frerin said. “I don’t go out of my way to make him angry. I’m not stupid enough to do that. Who do you think I am?”

“Aside from an idiot?”

“You’re just upset that you got yelled at too.”

Thorin glared at him. He sighed. “Yeah.” Being on Bilbo’s bad side never felt good, especially lately what with his battle with Dis…he wished she’d left it alone and trusted that Bilbo was happy with Frerin. Thorin was convinced he was. It hurt, yes, but…

He had his chance and he fucked up. At least with Frerin, there was little chance that Bilbo would be killed. He didn’t have to sleep with one eye open or tread around Thorin’s temper. He wouldn’t have to worry about being mocked or screamed at…

Even if Bilbo was not Frerin’s One, he was safer with him. By Mahal, it hurt to watch, but he’d rather Bilbo be happy and safe with someone else than scared and abused by Thorin.

“I don’t want your marriage to break,” he said. Frerin looked at him. “He’s better with you anyway.”

“What are you talking about?” Frerin asked.

“How much did Bilbo tell you about our relationship?” Thorin asked. “Did he tell you how cruel I had been? How I tried…” he stroked his throat.

“Yes. He told me,” Frerin said.

“So you understand, then? I can’t say I like it, but at least I know with you he isn’t in danger. Whereas if he were with me, I’d…”

“You wouldn’t,” Frerin said. “You were not in your right mind, Thorin. Were you not sick, I’m certain you’d have treated him well.”

“I didn’t,” Thorin said. “I didn’t treat him well. Not till after a month or two on the road. Not until he saved me from Azog.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I think it’d be better if he wasn’t with me…it didn’t have to be you, but anyone but me would be better for him.”

Frerin stared at him. “You don’t believe that,” he said. “You love him. You may have had a rough start and perhaps you should have been better in the beginning, but he loved you. Still does, even if he doesn’t know it.”

He stuck his hands in his pockets and shuffled. “If there is a war on our hands, I’m fighting in it,” Frerin said. “I’m going to fight. It’s the least I can do now that I’m back.”

“All right,” Thorin said. “It’d be good to fight with you by our side again.”

Frerin nodded. “I don’t want you to tell Bilbo.”

Thorin stared at him. “Why?”

“He won’t like it.”

“And if you die? What then?”

“His family is here. The family that will give a damn, anyway, I trust you. Even if I’m mad at Dis right now, I do trust you all to take care of him if something happens to me. But I can’t stay on the sidelines if a fight comes to Erebor.”

Thorin beat down the thought that if there were a battle and Frerin died, Bilbo would be widowed, leaving him unwed…

 _But he’d be sad_ , Thorin reminded himself. “If you die,” he said. “I will be there for him. We all will. But I will kick your ass when my time comes. I will kick it for every tear he sheds if you go to the halls of our fathers. You understand me.”

“Yeah,” Frerin said, grinning. “And I don’t intend to die. But I’d be a fool to say it can’t happen. It almost did the last time I was in battle.” Thorin nodded and his eyes skitted to the burn marks on Frerin’s face. “I don’t want to die, but it’d be foolish to say I won’t. And you know, if I die, I’d be okay with you marrying him. There’s no one else I’d trust if I pass.”

“You won’t.”

“I hope not.”

“Don’t fill me with hope,” he said. “Don’t. I don’t want to lose my brother again. I don’t want to have my One if it means I lose another member of my family.”

Frerin hummed. “Just getting it out there,” he said. “You should get to Commons before Dis decides to hunt you down and string you up by whatever you have left of your beard.” Thorin nodded and Frerin squeezed his shoulder. “I trust you. If anything happens to me, you won’t hurt him.”

“You don’t have to fight.”

“I’m a son of Durin, Thorin. Same as you. Durin’s Folk don’t run from a fight.”

With that, he left Thorin in the hall.

_What are you planning, Frerin?_


	15. Chapter 15

The morning of the council was dreary and grey.

Frerin hadn’t been able to sleep, lying in bed staring at the ceiling and now he lied on his side, watching Bilbo. He’d admit he always had a flare for the dramatic and he had wondered if his declaration to Thorin had just been that. Dramatics. Still, he wasn’t jesting when he vowed to fight. He’d fight to the very end if need be.

Watching Bilbo sleep always calmed him. He was undisturbed in his sleep, seemed younger, more radiant, less on guard…

Frerin tucked a wayward strand of hair behind Bilbo’s ear.

“I love you,” he whispered and shifted closer, embracing Bilbo.

Arms wrapped around his shoulders and a hand tugged at his hair.

“Love you, too,” Bilbo mumbled sleepily. “Go back to sleep.”

If only he could.

_I wish we never came here…_

#

Bard was the first to arrive with a small entourage of guards and advisors. Thorin approached and stretched his arms out. They clasped each other’s arms. "It is always a pleasure to welcome you to Erebor,” Thorin said.

“I take it your sister told you to say that?” Bard asked, arching a brow.

“She is a fierce one,” he said, shrugging. The two kings walked to the council room in silence save to ponder when Thranduil will arrive. There was a round table set for fifteen chairs and fifteen goblets filled with wine. Already seated were Dis, Frerin, Fili, and Balin. Kili stood behind his mother and Dwalin behind Thorin’s chair. Bilbo was nowhere to be seen.

 _We could use him_ , Thorin thought. Especially if it meant dealing with Elves. He decided against bringing up Bilbo’s absence and sat between his siblings as bard and his advisors took their seats, the guards standing vigil by the wall.

“I recall that Bilbo Baggins passed through Dale some months since,” Bard said. “Is he well?”

“He is,” Frerin said, grinning. “Bilbo decided to spend his time in the library instead.” Bard arched a brow at him.

“My apologies, but I do not know you. Are you a relative of Thorin’s?”

“His brother,” Frerin responded. “And Bilbo’s husband, if you must know.” Bard hummed, arching a brow. Thorin cleared his throat and picked up his goblet, praying to Mahal that there wouldn’t be any…problems. That describes these meetings perfectly.

True, there were the issues of Orcs coming to the mountain, but that usually gets decided easily: with agreement. No one liked Orcs and no one wanted them near the Three Kingdoms. So really, if war was to come, they’d be ready.

Far more ready than the last time Orcs seized the mountain, anyway.

Dis cleared her throat. “Does our brother’s presence unsettle you, Bard?”

“No,” he said. “I was unaware you had a brother. Forgive me if I seem unsettled to your keen eyes, Queen Dis.”

 _Suck up_ , Thorin thought. But then again, crossing Dis usually led to a fate worse than death. It was a bad idea to upset his sister and he should know given how many times he had done so over the years.

The doors swung open to admit Thranduil and his own following. They seemed to glide on air and Thorin glanced at Bard. Perhaps that was just how Elves walked, but it always seemed that they were gliding on air rather than walking on the floor.

When he seated, Dis stood and announced that the council could finally begin.

#

Something was wrong. Bilbo noticed it in Frerin’s stance. He heard it in the words unsaid at breakfast that morning. He saw it when he noticed Thranduil walking down the hall to the council chamber on his way to elevensies. He pursed his lips and followed the Elves till they reached the council room. Now he _knew_ something was off. After all, the Elves never ventured to the mountain willingly unless there was something amiss, and even then, Bilbo would think they’d prefer to hold councils in Dale rather than Erebor. 

He approached the guards at the door and cleared his throat. “If I am not mistaken, that was quite the group of Elves that just entered.”

“Aye, my lord,” the guard on the left replied.

“And why was I not informed that there would be a council?”

“We’re afraid we wouldn’t know, my lord,” the guard said again.

Bilbo hummed and entered. Dis had just finished, he supposed, her opening statement and now they stared at him. Men, Elves, and Dwarves. “Orcs are coming,” Bilbo stated. “Aren’t they?” He’d never seen such sheepish looks! Frerin cleared his throat and stood, approaching Bilbo.

“You needn’t worry, Ghivashel,” he said. “We’ll handle it.”

“Uh-huh,” Bilbo muttered. His nose twitched. “I give it fifteen minutes before furniture starts overturning. Last time a council of this sort gathered, it took a stolen rock and a near death experience before anything got sorted out. Hopefully this event won’t be as disastrous as last time?” All three kings were now sinking in their seat and Frerin was quite unsubtly making cutting motions across his throat. “I take it that is _part_ of why I was not informed? Worried about more thefts?”

“Of course not,” Kili said, hands held up in an attempt to appease Bilbo’s growing ire.

“We weren’t sure if you’d want to be here and supposed given last time, perhaps not,” Fili added.

“Or it’s just that Frerin didn’t tell you,” Dis said, smirking behind her glass.

“Are you trying to get me killed?” Frerin asked her. Bilbo turned to him, glaring. “I love you?”

“You’ll need to try harder than that,” Bilbo muttered. Dis snorted and Thorin, bless him, looked ready to disappear given how far down in his seat he was. He looked around the room. “Well, nothing for it. What is going on and I’d like the whole of it if you please—Frerin stop that, you’re not doing yourself any favors by wishing me gone.”

“I’ve a good reason!”

“You mean you didn’t tell him you were going to fight?” Kili asked.

Bilbo felt his neck nearly snap from the force it took turning to look at him. “You’re _what?!_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't even begin to describe how difficult this chapter was to write!!!! So it's shorter...hopefully I'll be inspired enough to write something longer next week...


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...somehow the Bagginshield was strong in this chapter. Very strong. So keep that in mind when you read.

Bilbo vowed to deal with Frerin later and joined the council.

Once he was on the same page as everyone else, all that remained was figuring out strategy which Bilbo gladly left to Thorin, Thranduil, and Bard. (Admittedly, Bard barely chipped in, trusting veteran experience instead. Aside from the Battle of the Five Armies five years ago, he hadn’t any experience.

Bilbo had asked about refugees. If a war was to happen, then those who could not fight would need to be cared for. Thranduil’s fortress was already guarded. But Dale was another matter entirely. Dis glanced at Thorin, who nodded.

“Erebor will open its doors to the Men of Dale,” she said. They are welcome to stay as long as there are Orcs approaching our kingdoms. As Thranduil said, he can care for his own, but Dale is open and unless it has a way to hide and protect its children…”

“And women,” a Man said. Dis narrowed her eyes.

“Do you not find women suitable to fight?”

“It’s not their place,” he scoffed. Thranduil and Thorin leaned back as Dis stood.

“Nor is it a man’s place,” she said. “In a perfect world, there would be no need for war or battle. Children would not lose their fathers to the sword and axe. I, as have all of you here, fought in battle. I, like all of you, have lost something in war. I have fought. I have led. Master Bard can attest to seeing the same among the women five years ago?”

“I have. One of my most trusted advisors is Hilda Bianca. She led the women to battle five years ago. She is not here today because she agreed to watch over my children while I am here.”

“So you have seen women at battle. Would you say they are just a formidable as men? If not more?”

“Equally formidable, twice as frightening.”

Thranduil cleared his throat. “A captain of mine is actually a woman,” he said, arching a brow at Kili, who sank a little in his seat. “She is a good fighter. An esteemed warrior among my kin. A woman in the army usually has to work harder to gain the respect she is due and Tauriel has done that ten times over her short centuries.”

“Centuries?” The man asked, voice squeaking and face pale.

Thranduil grinned. “Six hundred years is quite young for an Elf.”

“Then we are agreed,” Dis said, smirking. “If the women wish to fight, they are welcome to do so. I am sure your captain, Thranduil, might be willing to train any woman who desires to fight?”

“I will speak with her, but I do not see why she would refuse,” he said.

“Don’t cross the ladies,” Fili mumbled. Bilbo agreed. He straightened and stood. “Those who do not desire to fight or are unable to will gladly be welcome in Erebor,” he said. “And if it comes to that, we will have to figure out how to house and feed them. It may come to that we have to put the children and the elderly in Dwarven homes.”

“That is no problem for us,” Bard said.

“But it might be for us,” Fili said. “Our people are very traditional and while no one would turn away a child, an adult is another matter.”

“Even if they are elderly?”

“We can hope, but it will take strategy and evaluation.”

“I’m sure we’ll figure something out,” Bilbo said. “There is also the matter of feeding the soldiers. If a battle is underway, then our stores must be stocked as full as we can get them. We should also do what we can to avoid a siege, if possible.”

“Bilbo,” Thorin said. “I don’t know much of your people’s culture, but I am aware that they are not fighting folk. I cannot express confidence if you were to suggest an attack.”

“I’m not. I’ll leave that to those who can,” Bilbo said. “And you are right: I am not a warrior nor do I have a history in strategy. However, I do have a word on what it means to feed people. Having stocked stores is important all around. Avoiding a siege would allow us to be able to replenish those stores when needed. Men, Elves, and Dwarves do not eat as much as Hobbits, but food is still necessary on all fronts, for both soldiers and civilians.”

The kings exchanged glances and with a nod from Bard, Thorin agreed and Thranduil sighed, mumbling “very well.” From there, it was a matter of deciding how many people will be called to fight. Bilbo glanced at Frerin, who refused to meet his eye.

He didn’t understand it.

He understood duty and being bound by it, but why would Frerin not tell him? Why would he try to keep his desire to fight secret? Did he guess that Bilbo would stop him? He was just as likely to join the battle despite his lack of experience! And Frerin hadn’t been in battle since Azanulbizar and he nearly died then!

Still, Bilbo couldn’t stop him even if he had a mind to try. He was more concerned with why, anyway. Why did he want to fight? Why did he not want Bilbo to know?

He’d find out sooner or later, mark his words!

Once a rough estimate was made of how many would not fight, it was a matter of time of how to recruit the others and open the door to women. One suggested that it be mandatory for men to fight, but Dis put her foot down.

“It is a choice. Some men,” she looked at Bard, “Do not have that choice to make. It is not cowardly to when you have a family to put first. Some may find that to be a reason to fight, but overall, the choice is theirs to make. Do not force the men when you would not the women. Unless they are already part of the army, I do not expect them to fight. With that in mind, let those of age be allowed to join of their own will and not by the will of their king. Balin, have you the map requested?”

“Aye,” he laid it down on the table and Fili pointed out where Orcs had already been sighted as well as what it might mean. Bilbo rubbed the back of his neck.

They broke for lunch with only what they expected from the archers decided and little else. Thorin took a seat beside Bilbo and cleared his throat. “Are you angry at Frerin’s decision to fight?” Thorin asked.

Bilbo blinked and swallowed the last of his steak. “No,” he said. “I’m not angry that he wants to fight. More I’m confused and upset he didn’t tell me sooner. Was it recently decided?”

“A couple days at most,” Thorin said. “He spoke to me of it and I’ve been trying to talk him out of it, but he won’t…he won’t listen to me.”

“No, I understand. Once your kin put their mind to something, nothing can change it. Same goes with Frerin,” Bilbo smiled at that. “I just want to know why he didn’t tell me.”

“I can’t answer that, I’m afraid. What of you, though? Will you join the battle too?”

“I think not. Last time I got knocked out before leaving. Still have the scar, I think.” He ran his hand through his hair, trying to find the scar in question. “But I suppose someone ought to be around to make sure the rations get handed out appropriately so that no one goes hungry, hm? I don’t mind contributing to the war effort in that way. Tis better for someone who cannot fight.”

“My apologies,” Thorin said. “I have not forgotten your own prowess with a sword, unpolished it may be. It may have suited you then and you certainly have the talent should you wish to pursue swordsmanship. There are many here who would not mind teaching you the basics should you change your mind.”

“I’ll consider it,” Bilbo said, smirking. “Goodness I could use a smoke and my pipe’s back in my quarters!”

Thorin reached into his pocket, then pulled his hand out again. Bilbo arched a brow as Thorin blushed.

“I was going to offer you mine, but I wouldn’t want to get you in trouble with Frerin.”

“For sharing a pipe?” Bilbo asked.

“He does not trust me around you.”

“I am quite aware of how divided this family has become because of my marriage,” Bilbo said. “I do not see why that should stop me from enjoying a pipe with my brother-in-law. Or would I be at risk of some culture clash in doing so?”

“No.”

Bilbo hummed and leaned on the table. “You still love me.”

“I do,” Thorin whispered. “I always have. It’s…I know you did not want this. I know you do not love me anymore, but…”

“Wherever did you get that idea?” Bilbo asked. “I care for you deeply, Thorin, but it actually took a while for me to fall in love with Frerin. We’ve only been married a couple years after all.”

“But you made your choice.”

“I did. That doesn’t mean I can’t care for you. We’re brothers now. That has to mean something. Doesn’t it? Or will it not be enough for you?”

He studied Thorin, quite certain it wasn’t enough for him. Bilbo sighed.

“Do you know Dis and Fili fancy that we’re soul mates? There was a time I would have believed that. But, to be frank, loving you wasn’t easy, Thorin. You were pigheaded, rude, and sometimes nothing but cruel to me for the better part of the journey. It shouldn’t have taken me saving your life to be given even an ounce of kindness or respect, so really while I do believe you love me in some regard…and even after what happened with the stone…even if I was not married, I don’t think I’d be able to trust you as I did before. At least, with Frerin, I don’t have to be wary for my life.”

Thorin stood. “I know, but that is the truth. I don’t deserve you and I accept that. I’m not looking to contest your marriage, but I will try to make what I did right.”

“Make it right?” Bilbo shook his head. “Thorin, this isn’t something you can make right. I’ve forgiven you, but I cannot trust you. Not like before. I can trust that you’ll keep Frerin from doing something foolish and I can trust you won’t accidently set him on fire again—don’t wince, we all know it was an accident and that if you had known he was alive it wouldn’t have happened—but I cannot trust you with _my_ life. That’s it. That’s all there is to it. When I loved you, I loved you enough to risk everything and yet…”

“I will never be able to atone for that,” Thorin said. “But at least know that I regret what I’ve done to you. If you think I…I was _sick_. It doesn’t excuse it, but in my mind at that time I had only trusted you. Can you not even think of how deep that sort of betrayal can cut? Do you even know how much it hurts to be betrayed by the one person you trust beyond a doubt? I do not deny that I hurt you and I know you did what you thought best. But, Bilbo, you were not the only one who was hurt that day.”

His teeth clicked as he closed his mouth and he stormed away, leaving Bilbo with the remains of his lunch. Bilbo pushed the plate away and massaged his forehead and tried to battle the sting behind his eyes. How could he not know what it did to Thorin? He saw what it did and he was ready to accept the consequences, but he hadn’t thought it’d mean Thorin would want to kill him.

Bilbo stood and told Dis he’d see them at dinner tonight. There was concern in her gaze and more in Frerin’s, but he waved them off, assuring them he’d be fine before leaving the room.

As he walked, his mind was consumed with thoughts of the time spent with Thorin, what he’d just said and picking out where he had lied.

His feet led him off toward a place he never thought he’d go to again.

The balcony.

That _cursed_ balcony.

He paused, about to turn around and go to the library when he heard a broken sob. Curiosity piqued, Bilbo stepped closer and spotted Thorin hunched over and hands gripping the banister. His shoulders shook and Bilbo’s heart broke again.

_How, after everything that happened between us, could I still love him so much?_

_Why do I still love him?_

He crept closer.

_I should go._

_I can’t do this to Frerin._

_But Thorin. He…_

Bilbo knelt behind him and wrapped his arms around Thorin’s waist and hid his face in his shoulder.

#

Thorin dismissed the guards and once alone, steadied himself on the banister, hands gripping the stone tightly, swaying even in the stillness. How cursed this place was! How he came back, trying to figure out if he could have done something—anything—differently.

It wouldn’t matter.

It would change nothing.

He collapsed to his knees and wept, praying for forgiveness and mercy and many things he did not deserve. Arms circled around his waist and a face pressed into his shoulder.

“Don’t cry,” Bilbo whispered. “Please, Thorin, I’m sorry. Don’t cry. I love you, Thorin. I never once meant to hurt you. I still love you. I love Frerin, but I just…I’m sorry for what I said and for what I did…”

Thorin took several breaths, shaking his head. He vowed he wouldn’t steal Bilbo from Frerin. He promised to respect it…

He let go of the banister and pulled Bilbo’s hands off him so he could turn around and kiss him.

He expected Bilbo to shove him away.

Hit him.

But Bilbo kissed him back, wrapping his arms around Thorin’s neck and threading his hands through his hair. He licked the seam of Thorin’s mouth. Thorin slipped his tongue out to meet Bilbo’s.

They broke away for air, foreheads pressed together. Thorin cupped Bilbo’s cheek. “You shouldn’t be here,” he whispered.

“No, I shouldn’t,” Bilbo said. He shook his head. “I can’t do this. I don’t…”

“You’re married,” Thorin said, fingers brushing against the cursed braid in Bilbo’s hair. “I shouldn’t even touch you. I hurt you before. Why…”

“I don’t know. I just…I suppose I didn’t believe you or didn’t want to believe you when you said you still loved me, and now…I can’t deny that. Not when…what are we going to do?”

Thorin closed his eyes and swallowed. When he opened them again, he memorized Bilbo’s face. The curve of his cheek. His button nose. The color of his eyes. The way his hair curled and the way the light caught on them…

“You never found me here,” he said. “You never found me. You went back to your quarters and had a smoke like you wanted, more so since we parted ways upset back in the council room.”

Bilbo nodded and bit his lip. Thorin kissed him once more.

“This never happened,” he whispered.

Bilbo kissed him once more and left, striding away with his head bowed. Thorin leaned against the railing and wondered how he was supposed to fight what he felt when it was returned?

#

Frerin entered with a tray for Bilbo. “You were missed at dinner.”

“Oh?” Bilbo asked, looking up from his book, pipe in hand. Frerin set the tray on the coffee table and sat down on the other end of the couch by Bilbo’s feet. “I missed it?” Bilbo glanced at the clock and winced. “I guess I lost track of time.”

“You and Thorin both.”

“We did?”

“I suppose the talk you had at lunch really got under your skins,” he said. “What was it about? Is everything all right?”

“Not really,” Bilbo said. “It was, um, about that day. The one where he, uh…I may have gotten carried away by telling him I don’t trust him as I did before.”

“I’m sure given what happened, it’d be hard to,” Frerin said, running his hand through the hair on Bilbo’s feet. “Are you mad at me too? For not telling you I wanted to fight?”

“No, I’m not mad,” Bilbo said, setting his pipe down. “I’m confused and a bit scared, but you managed in the mountains just fine by yourself, so I suppose you’ll be fine this time around. I do wish you had told me earlier. I have a right to know, Frerin.”

Frerin sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I should have told you.” Bilbo sat up and pulled the lid off the tray, eyes lighting up. “I wasn’t sure if you missed tea, either, so figured I’d bring more food than strictly necessary.” Bilbo slapped his arm and began to eat. “I love you,” Frerin whispered, kissing his neck and shoulder.

“I love you, too, but bodily harm comes to whomever comes between me and roast beef.”

“I never did learn better,” Frerin said, kissing his cheek. “I’m going to take a bath so you can eat in peace.”

Bilbo swallowed and stood. “Good idea.”

“Where are you going?”

“To get something to drink,” he said, heading to the kitchen. Frerin hummed.

“All right,” he said. “Save me a glass for later.”

“I’m not going to drink a whole bottle of wine and leave you _one glass_. The nerve!”

Frerin laughed and went to the bathroom. The bath he promised himself would be heavenly after being in a council meeting all day!

Very, very heavenly…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you! I told you! I'm sorry Frerin/Bilbo shippers! I couldn't help myself! It's my OTP! *ducks for cover*
> 
> Really though, I don't condone adultery and it was not originally my intent. It just...the angst...


	17. Chapter 17

It was difficult not to think of the kiss exchanged on the balcony. There was excitement from it. And also fear. The lack of guards did not mean they had not been seen by someone. And rumors traveled fast. He wasn’t sure if they traveled as fast here as they did in the Shire, but Bilbo still worried. 

He couldn’t sleep and the guilt racked through him. Bilbo tossed and turned through the night, hoping he didn’t keep Frerin up. For the most part his husband slept like a log when he felt safe. But even when he accidently did wake Frerin up and ended up being wrapped in his arms as he mumbled, “go to sleep, love,” before falling back asleep. Bilbo had bitten his lip and tried not to cry in Frerin’s chest. He couldn’t keep this secret. It would eat him alive. It didn’t mean he wasn’t afraid. He was very afraid. He hadn’t seen Frerin truly angry and this…

It would break his heart. And likely he wouldn’t trust Bilbo as he once did. He didn’t know if he regretted kissing Thorin, but as right as it felt in the moment, it certainly didn’t feel right anymore. Not wrong, but not right either. Just…this burden he shouldn’t have taken on.

At last, morning came and he slid out of Frerin’s arms to make breakfast for them. A few minutes pass as the kitchen begins to smell of bacon, eggs, and toasted bread. Arms slipped around his waist and Frerin kissed his cheek.

“Are you all right?” he asked. “You barely slept.”

“I had hoped I wouldn’t keep you up,” Bilbo said. “I’m sorry.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not on an empty stomach,” Bilbo said.

“Fair enough.” Frerin opened the cupboard and pulled out a couple plates and cups. 

Bilbo swallowed and wished his hands wouldn’t shake so much as he cooked. He brought out the food and laid it on the table sitting with Frerin and they ate in silence. Normally, Bilbo would have finished long before Frerin had, offering seconds before taking his own, but his stomach roiled as the time to tell the truth came.

At last Frerin finished and stretched. “So,” he said. “What do you want to talk about? Is it about me going to war?”

“No,” Bilbo said. He couldn’t meet his eyes. “After Thorin and I left the meeting, I meant to come here and have a smoke. Instead, I went to the balcony where Thorin nearly killed me and I found him there…”

#

His night was plagued with both dreams sweet and bitter, tormenting him with the idea that he was in a nightmare where his brother survived and stole Bilbo from him and he would wake up still injured from the battle five years ago. And this time, Bilbo would be there. Angry, perhaps, but there and he could make everything right.

But no.

That was not what happened as he remembered waking up in his own bed alone. He closed his eyes and willed the dream to return, begged it to be reality. His wish went unheard.

In the end, he got up and went to bathe. Once clean, he dressed and held his furs to his nose. He could faintly smell Bilbo on the coat.He recalled the way his lips felt against his own, dry and barely chapped. The slight gasp Bilbo released when Thorin kissed him before he kissed him back, filling him with such hope and fear in equal measure. He donned the coat and freed his hair from between his back and the fur so it cascaded around his shoulders. Now he needed his crown…

The doors banged open Frerin stormed over to him, his face twisted in fury only enhanced by the burn scars. His fist collided with Thorin’s cheek. Frerin seized his coat and aimed to punch him again, but Thorin blocked it and pinned Frerin’s arms behind his back.

Frerin grunted and slammed his foot into Thorin’s shin, just below the knee, sending Thorin to the ground before twisting out of Thorin’s grip and seizing his hair. He slammed Thorin’s head into the wall before he was pulled off by the guards.

Thorin spat out the blood and wiped his mouth. “What are you doing?” he asked. “I did nothing—”

“ _Don’t!_ ” Frerin shot. “Don’t you _dare_ keep up this charade! Bilbo told me.”

Thorin felt as though a bucket of ice had dumped on him, chilling him to the bone. Frerin snarled at him, much like a wounded animal. And perhaps it was an apt description.

“He told me, all right? I know about the kiss, Thorin!”

“Yes, that’s all. I did nothing else!”

“You vowed to me! You promised! And _still_ you could not keep it! You so easily forget that he is _my husband_!”

“HE IS MY _ONE_!!!” Thorin bellowed. “Not that that matters to you, does it? You only bothered with anyone who showed interest in me _because_ they were interested in me. So, _of course_ , when you find out I’ve a One, someone I actually wanted to share my life with, you do what you always do best—”

“Do not paint me to still be that child!” Frerin spat. “You’re as bad as Dis if you think I married him to spite you! I married him because I love him, Thorin! I might not have a longing, but that doesn’t mean I don’t _feel_ love! I didn’t take anything from you! _You_ pushed him away. _You_ tried to kill him. _You_ made him think you hated him. _You_ , Thorin, are the only reason Bilbo is not yours today.”

Frerin licked his lips, breathing hard. “I’m not the coward here, Thorin. You know who the coward among us is,” he snarled.

“What is going on here?” Dis said, entering the room. No reply was given, but looking at her brothers, she could tell, from Thorin’s red, bleeding nose, and Frerin restrained. She sighed. “Take Frerin to his quarters,” she said. “And send for Oin.”

The tried to pull Frerin away, but he broke free. “I have no need for an escort,” he growled. He left and the guards followed. Thorin sat down and sighed.

“Do I want to know what happened?”

Thorin glanced at her. Well, it was bound to get out now. He sighed and sat down. Dis produced a handkerchief from her pocket and handed it to him to collect the blood dripping from his nose. “I kissed Bilbo,” he admitted. “He kissed me back.”

Dis hummed. “It was bound to happen eventually,” she said. “But I can’t say that Frerin’s wrong to be angry.” Thorin nodded.

“He’s every right to be. To be fair, it didn’t go as badly as I thought it would.” He glanced at her. “You’re not mad at me?” Dis shook her head.

“Disappointed, but no. I’m not mad. I figured something would happen between you and Bilbo. You belong together, whether or not Frerin agrees. You love him, regardless what happens next, that won’t change. It won’t be pretty, though. You broke a law, Thorin. This isn’t just a moral issue.”

Thorin nodded. He’d be lucky if Frerin left it as he did. More so if he wasn’t commanded to cut his hair and renounce his title. He massaged his forehead. It ached as though beaten with a hammer and his head the anvil.

“I wasn’t thinking.”

“No, you were feeling. You’re usually better at feeling than thinking.”

“I didn’t hurt him.”

“Not physically, no. But that doesn’t make the pain Frerin feels right now any less real. Nor the pain you feel.” She sat down. “It was an ugly situation to begin with and it will only get uglier before it starts to get better.”

“I suppose so,” he said. “What should I do?”

“I think it’d be best to stay away from Bilbo for now. Just until this mess is taken care of. I would focus on the Orcs if I were you,” she said. She sighed, stroking her beard. “I wish there was more I could do, Thorin. I’m sorry.”

Oin strode through, muttering under his breath as he looked over Thorin’s nose. Dis excused herself. There was one other brother she needed to see.

#

Bilbo stared at the same page, deep in thought.

His eyes were red and the skin around it puffy.

Once he told Frerin, he left. Not a word spoken since. Just the heart wrenching look of betrayal he’d seen only once before. Except, this was not the same as stealing the Arkenstone from Thorin in order to force his hand to see reason.

No, this was justified anger. After Frerin left, Bilbo cleaned up their breakfast and went to the library, hoping to distract himself for a bit. He wondered if he should stay somewhere else for the night if Frerin didn’t seek him out.

A hand squeezed his shoulder and he looked up. Dis smiled down at him and he looked away.

“May I join you?”

“Whatever you have to say, say it.”

Dis sat down beside him. “I’m not angry, Bilbo,” she said. “I expected something like this might happen. I admit I hoped it wouldn’t, but I’m not surprised. They both love you, after all. I can’t imagine what that must be like.” He shook his head.

“You couldn’t possibly understand. I made my choice and I want to stick to it. I love Frerin, but…”

“But a part of you still loves Thorin,” she said. “I understand that. I was arranged to marry someone else from a young age but then I met my husband and my betrothed wasn’t happy. My sons’ father, my husband, he was my One, and there was no one else I would be with. It wasn’t that I didn’t care for my betrothed. He just didn’t fill me with the same passion, the same breathless feeling I felt with the boys’ father. So yes, it may be different, but the feeling you have is still the same.”

Bilbo bit his lip and stared at the book. His eyes stung. “You have time to figure out what you want.”

“I’m not young, Dis.”

“You’re not old, either,” she said. “Have you talked to Frerin?”

“Not since I told him what happened yesterday,” he said. “So not since this morning. After I told him, he just stormed out. I hadn’t seen him since.”

“He attacked Thorin—they’re both all right. The guards pulled him off and after a bit of a shouting match, I told them to take him back to your quarters. He might still be there. Thorin on the other hand has a broken nose. He’s dealt with worse, so he’ll be fine.”

Bilbo swallowed.

“Are you scared to go back?”

“Yes,” he said, “but out of guilt rather than fear.”

Dis stared at him, leaning on the table. She stood and held her hand out.

“The Durin men can be a little harsh, especially when hurt.” Bilbo scoffed. “I’ll mediate; make sure Frerin doesn’t do anything he himself will later regret.”

Bilbo stared at her hand. “You still think I should be with Thorin.”

“I do,” she said. “Whether you believe it or not, you do make him a better person and he never loved anyone as much as he does you. Not to say that Frerin doesn’t love you because he does. It’s just a matter of which brother suits you better now. No matter what happens after this, I will help you in whatever way I can. Besides, we’ll need your expertise if we’re going to avoid a siege.”

Bilbo stared at her hand and stood, taking it in both of his.

“Thank you, Dis. If I ever were to have a sister, I would have liked to have one like you.”

“Well,” Dis said, beaming. “Now you do.”

 Bilbo let go and closed the book and together they went to see Frerin.


	18. Chapter 18

Frerin looked at the door as it creaked open. He averted his gaze when he saw Bilbo. His chest ached, as though his ribs squeezed around his heart. He heard Bilbo sit down beside him with a little distance between them.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know. It’s not like you can help who you love,” he said.

“It’s not that at all! Frerin—”

He took Bilbo’s hand in his and kissed it. “There isn’t any other explanation, love. Maybe it wasn’t your intent and likely you hadn’t thought about it at all, but I understand how you would decide to replace Thorin with me. I understand that.”

“You are twisting everything around. Yes, I still love Thorin, but I love you just as much. And I married you, Frerin. I made my choice and I intend to stick with it. If you would still have me, I would stay with you. It was just a kiss and I wasn’t thinking. All I know is that someone I loved was hurting and I acted. I can’t even begin to put to words how much I regret hurting you, Frerin.”

Bilbo moved closer to him and cupped his face in his hands making him face him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his sister, watching. Mediating, likely, and ready to step between them should things not go to plan.

“You know it took me a long time to get over Thorin. It could be said he fills me with passion, yes, but you—you were there when I felt most alone. You were there when I needed comfort. You were there when I felt so heartbroken and depressed I couldn’t move from my bed. You were patient and kind and nothing Thorin had been for me. He and I only had a short time and most of it was spent pushing me away because of what I was hired to do. I won’t pretend to speak for him, but I wager his mind was to keep me as far from him as possible so that if I were to die it would hurt less.”

“That was his mind,” Dis said. “Thorn never meant to hurt you through the quest and when he tried to kill you, he was trapped in a curse. Aye, he would have been hurt by your decision to take the Arkenstone, but were he in his right mind, he would have been able to see reason and follow your advice. Much of what he did that day was due to the Gold Madness. Tis no excuse, of course, but it changes nothing. He paid dearly for what he did to you already. And it could have been much worse than this.”

She looked at Frerin. “I don’t trust you,” she said. “I do not see what you have as a marriage. I know you too well, Frerin, and you have pulled every trick you’ve ever pulled before.”

“Dis,” Bilbo warned, glaring.

“No, it must be said: you knew. You _knew_ Bilbo loved Thorin and as soon as our brother’s name passed his lips, you saw an opportunity to hurt him again. Consciously or not, I don’t know.”

“Dis.”

“But you know what, it doesn’t matter! For centuries you made us think you had died! For centuries, you made Thorin carry the guilt that he couldn’t save his brother.”

“And having him know he did this,” Frerin pointed at his face, “Would be better?”

“Yes! Mahal help me, but yes! The guilt would still be there, but you would be alive! We would have known you were alive and eventually Thorin would have been able to forgive himself for that,” she motioned at his face. “It’s just a scar, Frerin. Like any other battle wound. But _that_ is not something to be ashamed of. No. You’re a warrior, Frerin. And yet you have no honor! You knew that if Bilbo loved Thorin there was a chance he loved him back and decided, _again_ , to sabotage Thorin’s chance at happiness.”

“Funny, he did an excellent job sabotaging it himself!”

“ENOUGH!” Bilbo screamed, jumping to his feet. “Both of you _need_ to stop fighting and using me and Thorin as some catalyst to fuel your anger! Had I known coming back would bring such strife among us, I would have continued to say no! And I should have said no even after you learned I was married.”

He took a breath. “I never wanted to hurt anyone. I never meant for it to come to this, but it has and I will pay the consequences for it if there are consequences to be paid.”

Dis hummed. “It’s complicated as many are divided, not just us. The people are divided too. On the one, they agree with me that you and Thorin are meant to be together, the other half is of your mind, that you made your choice and ought to stick to it.

“What happens next, I do not know. What I do know is that the amount of strife your actions and Thorin’s have caused is going to backlash. I don’t know what happens next. But I do know this much: you should not be with Frerin. In your heart, you know this. In your heart, you know something is really wrong with your marriage.”

With that, she left and Frerin sighed.

“I don’t know why she thinks that.”

“Same,” Bilbo said. “And I really am sorry for kissing Thorin.”

Frerin took his hand and pulled him onto his lap. “I’m not mad at you. I am hurt, but I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at _him_. He kissed you first.”

“I kissed him back. I shouldn’t have.”

“No, but I can forgive you. I don’t want you to be alone with him anymore, but other than that…”

“You are being extremely understanding.”

“I’m not. I just know you well enough to know that the guilt eats you alive and someone may as well forgive you. A lot of people will not. But I will. I will forgive you, I will not forgive him. He vowed he wouldn’t touch you, wouldn’t pursue you, and he did anyway. I won’t forgive him, and I don’t know if I can trust you as I once did. Especially around Thorin.”

Bilbo bit his lip and nodded.

Frerin squeezed him once and stood. Bilbo climbed off his lap and let Frerin walk away. It really could have been worse, he supposed.

#

Dis promised to take over the meetings for the day, leaving Thorin to think. He was worried about Bilbo. What if Frerin…

 _Don’t go there_ , he thought.

Unless he saw physical proof that Frerin hurt Bilbo, he would not intervene. He even went as far as trying to figure out what he’d count as physical proof—outside the _obvious_ , of course—not that he thought Frerin would hurt Bilbo, but he did have a tendency to be a bit emotionally manipulative.

Dis strode in, fuming.

“I thought you were taking over my duties for the day. Which I don’t appreciate.”

“I’m aware, I just got into a fight with Frerin.”

“I didn’t do anything worthy of defense.”

“Kissing your One is not a crime, Thorin.”

“No, but kissing a married man is,” he reminded her. He shook his head. “I don’t know much longer I can do this, Dis. I can’t watch him be with another man, it never even had to be Frerin. I can’t do it.”

“I know. And the only solution I find is a horrid one,” she said. “Which is why I will never act on it and neither should you. Nor will I hope for it.” He could imagine what sort of solution that is and indeed it filled him with horror just thinking about it.

“Agreed. It’s not an option.”

Dis nodded and sat down. “I don’t think Bilbo realizes how bad a mistake he made. I was just there. I understand being hurt and feeling guilty, but it was just…there was something really wrong with the way he talked to Bilbo. He says he forgives him, but he doesn’t. I can tell that he doesn’t.”

Thorin sighed and massaged his forehead. “We need to focus on the orcs circling us right now,” he said.

Dis nodded. She approached and embraced him.

“I’ll tell Fili,” she promised.

With a kiss to Thorin’s brow, she left. Thorin watched her leave and touched his tender nose, wincing.

#

The rest of the day was tense. Bilbo went to see the state of the stores, told them to pack it to the brim. He wanted them so full, it would be difficult for more than one person to move. Kili kept close, still rather jovial despite his healing injury. If he suspected anything, he never brought it up.

And for that, Bilbo was grateful. He really didn’t want to talk about what happened this morning or yesterday. After a bit, Kili left with a pat to his back.

“Have to get the patrols ready and make sure there are spaces for the refugees from Dale.”

“Of course,” Bilbo said. “You do that. I have it under control here.”

Kili patted his shoulder again and left just as a guard approached him.

“Lord Frerin sends for you.”

“And he couldn’t come himself?” Bilbo asked, frowning. Frerin never had a need to send someone to fetch him. He would just come himself.

The guard nodded. “He’s preoccupied, my lord, and requires your assistance yet cannot leave the council meeting.”

Bilbo hummed and bit his lip. He sighed, shoulders sagging. To add, Frerin was still upset. It was likely he didn’t want to seek Bilbo out for that reason alone. “Very well. Lead the way.” The guard saluted him and led him out of the storage rooms—down. Bilbo stopped and cleared his throat, a hand resting on Sting. “The council room is upstairs,” he said. “I know I’ve not been here long, but I was just there yesterday.”

The guard arched a brow at him. “Well, then I suppose we’ll just have to do this the hard way.”

Bilbo pulled Sting out, ready to fight, when something collided with the back of his head. He cried out once, falling to his knees. Sting was kicked out of the way and a bag was pulled over his head before he was hurled against the wall and all went black.

#

Dis, Fili, and Kili arrived in time for dinner. Thorin placed the food on the table and sat down, stretching his arms. Since Dis took over, the least he could do was cook for her and the boys again.

“Looks good, as always, Thorin,” Dis said, embracing him. “Is that ale?”

“Cider, actually.”

“Even better!” Dis said. She loved cider a great deal more than ale. Thorin hadn’t a clue why, but he owed her. Might as well spoil his little sister a bit.

“Work wasn’t too stressful, was it?”

“No,” Dis said. “Fili helped. He’ll be a fine king one day.” Fili beamed under her praise.

“I helped Bilbo with the store houses. Didn’t need to do much more than glare at anyone who tried to question him from over his shoulder,” Kili said. "Not that I think he’d need to. After that, I went to organize the consensus and how many houses had room for the Men. I don’t think we’ll be able to start till tomorrow, though.”

“That’s all right, lad,” Thorin said. “One thing at a time.”

The door opened and Frerin strode in, pale. “Is this your idea of a joke?” he said. “If so it is poor taste!”

“What are you talking about?” Fili asked, arching a brow.

Frerin handed him a letter. Fili’s face turned ashen and he glanced at Dis and Thorin.

“Bilbo’s been kidnapped.”


	19. Chapter 19

He woke to darkness and for a moment, he thought had gone blind. He noticed his hands were bound, as were his feet. Bilbo tried his bonds and noticed they were rope, tight and itchy.

He heard a snarling gurgle and felt panic take over his senses. Bilbo scrambled for Sting and grew more frantic when he realized it was gone. He then went for his ring and became near inconsolable when _that_ , too, was missing.

Now, Sting, he could understand. It could still be in his trunk. His ring, on the other hand, that was another matter entirely. He always had it on him or in its little box by his bed. Being as he was not anywhere near his bed, he should have it!

He stopped looking and took a few breaths, willing himself to calm down.

 _It’s not the end of the world_ , he thought. _It’ll be all right. I will get out of here._

He saw a light coming toward him and he stilled, turning on his side. Voices echoed off the stone in Khuzdul. Bilbo shut his eyes as someone leaned over him before responding to the others and moving away from him. Bilbo sighed and tried to shift so he could see who was there.

Three Dwarves.

One of which was the guard that tricked him.

The other two, he didn’t recognize.

Bilbo glanced at his bonds and chewed his lip. He couldn’t struggle too much lest they realize he was awake, but if he could at least free his feet…

They turned to him and his heart jolted. The guard approached and knelt, seizing his hair. Bilbo winced. “You really are an ugly creature. How anything could be pretty without a beard, I’ll never know.” The other two laughed. “I’ll never understand the royal family. Now, what should I send them to let them know that time is running out?”

“How about a toe,” the second suggested. “Or a finger.”

“Or an ear,” the third added, sniggering. “Perhaps round them a little bit.”

Bilbo shuddered, but really, he had faced Gollum, who wanted to eat him. He could handle three Dwarves. He just needed to think…

“It would be a bigger grievance to my family if you sent them my hair, wouldn’t it?” he asked. The trio stared at him. “Or would you really want to draw blood? See wounds like cutting off a finger or a toe or even an ear can get infected and if it gets infected, I could get sick and if I get sick I could die. I don’t know about you, but somehow I feel that I might be worth more alive.”

It worked before. He could only hope it would work now. A knife was pressed to his throat and the blade scraped against his skin.

“How about the hair on his feet?” the second Dwarf suggested.

“Aye,” the first agreed. “I think that would be best.” Bilbo whimpered and the guard smirked. “Hold him down. I don’t want him kicking me first chance he gets.”

He let go and the other two approached. One pinned Bilbo’s shoulders down while the other put his weight on Bilbo’s legs. He shut his eyes and tried not to scream as the blade scraped against his foot.

#

Dis hadn’t a clue as to how she could help her brothers. Dwalin and Balin had the guards looking all over the mountain with Fili leading them. Kili had taken over Bilbo’s duty at seeing the storehouses filled. As for Frerin and Thorin, they were not taking the command that they stay out of the guards’ way very well.

Thorin had taken to pacing like a caged animal. Frerin had all but shrunk into himself. And when a package filed with Bilbo’s hair came late in the evening, she hid it away from her brothers and took it to Dwalin.

“You need to hurry.”

“We’re going as fast as we can,” he said. “But there are places in the mountain that are too dangerous to look.”

“Look anyway,” she said. “For my brothers, look there.”

He nodded and Dis burned the hairs. She sat down and massaged her forehead. She didn’t know how long she could keep up with this pretense. It was hard enough being strong for one brother and now she needed to be strong for both.

If they lost Bilbo, she was certain her strength would dissipate.

“Amad.”

She looked at Kili. “A message from the Elves. An army of Orcs comes from the south toward Esgaroth. I know we haven’t found Bilbo yet and it kills me to say it because I’d rather we keep looking, but…but we need to get the people of Dale into the Mountain now. And prepare for war.”

Dis exhaled. “Send word to Bard. They have three days to move into the mountain. Talk to Dwalin and Balin as well. I will talk to your uncles in private. Hopefully they will understand.”

“I doubt they will. They love him.”

“As I said: hopefully. I can’t guarantee they’ll be rational, but I must try.”

Kili nodded and kissed his mother’s hand. “I wish you luck in speaking with them, Amad. I’ll go see Balin before sending word to Bard.”

Dis smiled. “You are young and the young can be foolish, my son, but you are still coming into your own and I am proud of you. I don’t nearly say that enough. I know you’ll be a great Dwarf.”

Kili smiled and left.

Dis stood, bracing herself, as she went to tell her brothers what will happen next.

#

The kidnappers had left a long time ago and Bilbo was close—so close—to getting free. He hated the way his feet felt without hair. Smooth. Soft. Unprotected. It made him shudder. But he didn’t have the time to deal with that. He worked at the knot around his feet.

It came loose and he stood on shaking, sore legs. He would worry about his hands later. He could run. Bilbo pressed against the wall and felt it, looking for a door or whatever could get him out. He could get out. And he will.

There was no other way about it.

His hands collided with wood and then cold metal. A door? Yes! Bilbo twisted the knob but it didn’t budge. He cursed and moved on.

_Come on, Baggins. Find a way out. You always do._

He moved on finding the tunnel where his captors came in and out. Bilbo huffed. There was a chance he might still get caught. And without the Ring, he was certain he would have a harder time of it.

But it seemed this was the only way out.

He stepped into the tunnel and began his ascent back up to the main levels of the mountain. Or so he hoped.


	20. Chapter 20

Frerin raged at her as she explained the need to redirect their attention to the Orcs. Dis let him. So long as he didn’t physically attack her, she could take it. She could handle his ire. Thorin had stopped pacing and listened silently.

“Tell her not to pull the guards off the search!” Frerin demanded, turning to him. Thorin sighed.

“No. I will not do that, Frerin. The company will continue to look for him. But we need as many soldiers and warriors as we can ready for the battle. Or would you rather wait here and continue to dawdle. I don’t know about you, but I hated it.” He turned to Dis. “I trust you can handle the army, _Nun’el_. I leave it in your care.”

Dis nodded. “I will do what I can. You two need to be careful.”

“We will,” Thorin promised, embracing her. “I promise we will.” He released Dis and turned to Frerin. “Are you coming?”

“Let me get my axe and we’ll be off.”

“I’ll send for the company to meet you in the great hall,” Dis said.

Thorin nodded and she left. He strapped Orcrist to his back and removed his crown, setting it on the table. What use would he have for it? What good had it ever done for him?

Thorin put such thoughts aside as Frerin came, an axe on his back and a sword strapped to his hip. “Let’s go,” he said, leaving the room. Thorin followed.

The last time he saw his brother’s back, they were at Azanulbizar and Frerin was too far to get to. Before then, Frerin’s back was never a symbol of doom or horror or death to him, but mischief and fun. Frerin would be the one to get him into trouble (and true, he also got him out of trouble at times), but somehow…

Thorin sighed. _What has become of us?_

#

Bilbo raced up the stairs he found, keeping his hand against the wall and hoping it would not disappear. He gasped for breath and the top of his feet stung from the chill. Every muscle ached. He wanted to rest, but he knew that to rest now would mean his chances for getting back home would shorten.

He didn’t know when his kidnappers would return and he certainly didn’t want to be around when they did. With shaking legs, he continued to climb. He could hear water. That had to be a good sign, right?

Bilbo pushed his muscles to go faster, following the sound of water, stumbling over his feet when he found a pool and waterfall at last.

He jumped at it, cupping the water in his hands and drinking greedily. He leaned against a rock and tried to fight the need to rest…

_“Bilbo…”_

_“Yes?”_

_“Time to get up, Ghivashel.”_ _A kiss pressed to his temple and he opened his eyes. He was in a large bed. Golden rays of sunlight streamed from the window balcony and he turned to the speaker._ _Thorin smiled at him. “Are you not the one who insists on a proper breakfast in the morning?”_

_“Still tired,” Bilbo said. “And this bed is too comfortable.”_

_“I know.”_

_“Is this a dream?”_

_“Perhaps,” Thorin said, tucking a strand of hair behind Bilbo’s ear. He kissed him. Bilbo licked his lips. “Are you going to get up?”_

_“I had a horrid dream,” Bilbo said. “It was dark and there were people who wished us harm.”_

_“It was just a dream,” Thorin promised, petting his hair. “And if it were ever to come true, I will always find you, Ghivhasha.”_

_“I know,” Bilbo said. “And I you.”_

“Bilbo!!!”

He started awake, gasping.

“Bilbo!”

“Bilbo where are you?!”

“Bilbo!!”

Bilbo coughed, inhaling stale air. “I’m here!” he shouted. “Over here!”

He saw lights and shadows dancing on the rocks. Three Dwarves approached him. Bofur and Nori approached him while Dwalin called for Thorin and Frerin. Bofur helped him up as Frerin ran over to them and embraced him, weeping.

He fell to his knees and placed his hands on Bilbo’s feet. “What did they do to you?” he asked, horrified.

“They wanted to mutilate me, so I convinced them to take something that wouldn’t actually hurt me. They’ll grow back in a few days. I’ll be okay, Frerin.” Frerin picked him up and Bilbo wrapped his arms around his neck. “I promise I’m okay. Just really, really tired and hungry.”

Frerin chuckled. “We’ll fix that right away,” he promised. “Let’s go home.”

Bilbo hid his face in his neck, frowning. How was he going to explain that dream away. It seemed…

It seemed like it was meant to be. He glanced at the water again and shook his head. He hated this confusion he’d been feeling. He really, really hated it.

_I love Frerin. He’s my husband. I love him. I can’t love Thorin anymore. I can’t. I can’t hurt them again._

#

The following days, Thorin and Dis were busy assigning the Men of Dale to homes, allowing Bilbo the time to recover in peace without fear of being in the middle of any sibling spats. Frerin had hunted down his kidnappers. What became of them, Bilbo didn’t know.

He didn’t really want to know, if he was being completely honest. He trusted that they were suitably punished and hoped for the best. However, there were a couple problems.

All three siblings had insisted that he have a guard on him at all times. At least one. Bilbo hated it more than anything else.

He wasn’t weak.

True, he’d been kidnapped, but he was taken from behind. Anyone would have been caught off guard in such a situation.

Still, he was only one Hobbit against three very concerned Dwarves. He made his thought on the matter known and left it at that.

A kiss was pressed to the top of his head and Frerin’s arms embraced him as he rested his chin on Bilbo’s shoulder. “I love you,” he whispered.

“And I love you,” Bilbo said. “I still think you’re overreacting with the guard, though.”

“I know,” Frerin said, kissing his cheek. “But it’s for the best.” He let go and sat on the bed, taking his boots off. “I leave tomorrow for the front line of attack.”

“Thorin and Fili will be with you?”

“Yes. Kili is still recovering and will be managing those left behind with Dis in defense of the mountain.” Bilbo approached him and straddled his lap.

“In which case, I would like to make tonight memorable since I might not see you for a while.”

Frerin hummed, placing his hands on Bilbo’s hips. “And what had you in mind?”

“Not sure. Whatever you’re comfortable with, I suppose.” Frerin smiled as Bilbo pushed him down. “I know I hadn’t been the best husband lately.”

“It was not your fault. Thorin shouldn’t have kissed you.”

“I still kissed him back.”

“And I forgive you.” Bilbo bit his lip.

“You still don’t trust me,” he said. Frerin swallowed, smile dying. “Does it help to know that I would not be with Thorin in this way when I have you?”

“So long as I am your husband, you mean.”

Bilbo felt his heart break, the hurt mingling with anger. He gripped the sheets on either side of Frerin’s shoulders. If only to resist the temptation to slap him.

“Why are you being so difficult? I know I hurt you and I am sorry, but you’re still…what do I have to do to help you understand I regret ever kissing him? I love you, but it’s like you don’t even hear me anymore, Frerin.” He climbed off and sat on the bed, knees pulled up to his chin. “And now you’re going to fight and you’re still angry with me. You say you forgive me, and I understand you don’t trust me and I am _trying_ to make it up to you, but you act like it doesn’t matter what I do to try and make it up to you. I just want to make love to you before you go to battle.”

Frerin sat up and Bilbo wiped his eyes on the back of his hands. “Look at me,” he demanded. Bilbo did so. Frerin cupped his cheek. “I love you, Bilbo. But I think it’d be best if we return to the Shire after the battle.” Bilbo nodded. He whole heartedly agreed. If being here is what turned Frerin into someone he didn’t know anymore, then he didn’t ever want to return to Erebor. Frerin pressed his forehead to Bilbo’s. “I’ll not bring it up again.” Somehow Bilbo doubted that, but he nodded anyway and let Frerin kiss him.

“You better come back to me,” Bilbo said. “I don’t want to lose you.”

Frerin smiled against his lips. “You could never lose me,” he whispered, pulling Bilbo back onto his lap, sliding his hand beneath the waistband of Bilbo’s trousers. Bilbo sighed into his mouth, running his fingers through Frerin’s hair.

#

“Everything is ready for tomorrow,” Fili said, approaching Thorin. “We depart at dawn, uncle.”

“Good,” Thorin said, leaning on the rail. Fili joined him. “How is your brother?”

“Kili is feeling better, but Oin still thinks it best for him to stay behind with the archers.” Thorin nodded. “If I may speak my mind, Uncle, I would like to discuss something with you.”

“You may,” Thorin said, leading him to a private room. Fili relaxed and looked at him.

“I don’t trust Frerin,” he began. “I know he’s your brother and I know Bilbo loves him, but somehow I have the feeling he doesn’t really love Bilbo. Not the way you do. Bilbo’s your One and Frerin, well…I know you and Bilbo kissing as you did wasn’t exactly expected and it caused a few problems for everyone, but…honestly I would have expected something like that from him. I’ve seen a lot of Men and Dwarves and Elves like that. With Mum, with Lady Sigrid…I think he’s using Bilbo.”

“How so?” Thorin asked.

“He’s using the kiss you had with Bilbo as a means to make Bilbo feel bad. I overheard them arguing earlier when I was looking for you…I’m not saying the two of you kissing each other was right. I know it wasn’t, but honestly, in retrospect, it seems like such a little thing. Besides, you and Bilbo belong together. Or do you not feel that way anymore?”

Thorin sighed. “It doesn’t matter what I feel or believe. He isn’t mine to have, Fili. It doesn’t matter that he’s my One.”

“I know he is hurting him.”

“You know or you wish it?”

“Why would I wish it?!” Fili snapped, horrified. “Is it because he is not physically hurt that you will not act?” Thorin pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Our laws are clear, Fili.”

“Then what are you going to do about it? Go to trial for infidelity when, as far as anyone with eyes can see, that Frerin is the one in the wrong? He’s using Bilbo to hurt you.”

“And what exactly is my kissing Bilbo doing to him? You think that doesn’t hurt Frerin?” Fili crossed his arms and met Thorin’s gaze with a glare. “I understand your worry, Fili. I fear it, too. But there is little we can do. As it is, for all we know, it could be the other way around.”

“Bilbo wouldn’t—”

“I’m just saying we don’t know enough to act on our suspicions of what goes on in their marriage. Nor will I act on it unless there is no trace of doubt. I can’t risk hurting them, Fili. Do you understand that? I can’t hurt my brother and surely as Mordor stands I will not hurt Bilbo. For now, I would rather you focus on the battle tomorrow.”

“But—”

“Do not make me make that an order, _irakdashat_.”

Fili straightened and stared at Thorin for a moment. He bowed and left the room. When the door closed. Thorin massaged his forehead, beating down the ire that came with the possible suspicions Fili brought to him.

 _It will have to wait till after the battle,_ he reminded himself.

With that, he left the room, hoping he could sleep. As usual, he couldn’t.

#

Frerin lay awake with Bilbo’s head resting on his breast, an arm around his waist. He pet Bilbo’s arm, staring at the ceiling, deep in thought. He hadn’t been in a battle for nearly a century. Perhaps more. A part of him wondered if he was likely to survive long enough to return to Bilbo and take him home where Thorin would not tempt him.

He would not deny that he was afraid. He was terrified of what would happen when dawn came. It stole his sleep. Frerin turned on his side and Bilbo opened his eyes to a moment. He closed them again.

“Can’t sleep?” he asked groggily.

“No.”

“Don’t blame you.” Bilbo sat up and stretched. “Do you want to talk about it?”

_If I die, you’ll be free to be with Thorin. I already have it taken care of. I know he’ll take care of you in my place if I die. But I can’t stop the bitter jealousy from rising._ _I hate who I become when I think of you with him. I hate that my family thinks I have stolen you from him when he is trying to do what they believe I had done to him to me. I_ _hate it. I love you, but I despise what this venture has made our relationship into. I hate that I don’t feel like I can trust you anymore. It breaks my heart._

“No,” Frerin said. “I don’t want to talk.” Bilbo laid back down.

“Then what would you like to do if not talk about what bothers you?”

Frerin swallowed. “Could you just hold me?” Bilbo nodded and Frerin embraced him, pressing his face to Bilbo’s chest. “I love you. You know that right?”

“Of course.”

“Being here has really strained us,” Frerin said. Bilbo pet his hair, tangling his fingers in the strands. “And I feel like I’m losing you. I know you deny it, but I just…I know you love him, Bilbo. And I know you love me and I don’t…how are you even managing to keep choosing me?”

“I already made my choice. I love you. I just wish you were not leaving tomorrow still angry with me.”

Frerin bit his lip. “I don’t know if I ever won’t be angry about what you and Thorin did. But I’m angrier at him than I am at you. I just…can’t seem to direct it at him.”

“If you think that’s a way to make me feel better, than we _really_ have problems,” Bilbo said. “And that is saying something considering my history with Thorin.”

_Yet you still kissed him. You forgave him for something I will never forgive. How can you still love him? After everything I’ve done for you to show that I am better than him, how can you still desire him over me? I want to know._

Frerin swallowed. “I think it’s going to take a lot longer than a few days to figure out what we’re going to do with our problems, Bilbo.”

“I know, but I don’t want you to go when we’re still hurting so much.”

Frerin sighed deeply, tightening his embrace around Bilbo. He closed his eyes and failed to stem the tears.

“I know,” he whimpered. “I know, but can you blame me for hurting? I love you, and ever since we came here, I have doubted you and have suspected my brother of trying to steal you from me. I hate it, Bilbo. I hated it then and now that I fear it is only a matter of time till my fear becomes true…”

“Oh, Frerin,” Bilbo said, massaging his back. “Love, I wish you could see into my heart and know I regret what I did. I know I hurt you and I know you’re angry and you’ve every right to be, but I can’t bear this passive-aggressive way you’ve been going about it. When the mountain is secure again, we’ll go home and we’ll put this behind us.”

“What if we can’t?” Frerin asked. “What if _I_ can’t?”

Bilbo swallowed. “We’ll figure it out if we get to that point.”

“What if I die?”

“Don’t think like that, love,” Bilbo whispered. “Oh, Frerin, don’t think that way. I don’t even want to believe you will, so don’t bring it up, my love. You are not going to die. We will get past this. You’ll see. We’ll survive this battle and we’ll fix our marriage. I know we can.”

Frerin dug his nails into Bilbo’s back, holding him tightly as he wept. He barely survived the last battle. How was he going to survive this one?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~Khuzdul~  
> Nun'el=Sister of All Sisters  
> irakdashat=nephew


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Character Death here

Watching them leave was harder than Bilbo expected. Frerin turned back to look at him and he smiled as encouragingly as he dared as it was not remotely close to how he felt. When the army was too far to see, Bilbo dropped the façade and left the veranda. It hurt knowing that he might not see his beloved husband again. More so that they might be parted without any resolution to their problems. He leaned against the wall and prayed that Frerin would survive, prayed that they all would survive and that the battle would be swift. 

Dis approached him and squeezed his shoulder. “They will be all right,” she said. “Thorin and Fili are fine warriors and Frerin has managed on his own for several decades before meeting you. They will return victorious.”

Bilbo looked at her. “I suppose it’s too much to ask for unharmed.”

“I’m afraid that is a fool’s hope, but one can dream,” she said, taking his face in her hands and pressing their foreheads together. “No matter what happens, Erebor will always be your home should you choose it, my brother.”

Bilbo managed a small smile. “Thank you, Dis. I needed to know that. I mean, Frerin and I think it for the best that we return to the Shire after the battle, but it’s nice to know we can come back.”

“I’m only sorry that we put such a strain on you and him for getting married when you and Thorin belong together.”

Bilbo tensed. “Do we?” he asked. “Because to be frank, I don’t know entirely if I can trust him as I did before. Yes, I will admit that I still love him and I have forgiven him for what he did in his illness, but I still don’t know if I can trust him as I did before. I’m afraid I’ve done enough damage to this family as it is.”

“Oh, Bilbo, we were damaged long before you came. I could tell you stories about our grandfather that would make your blood curdle. I could tell you tales of our ancestors that would make you seethe. Not every family is perfect and it would a lie to say that ours is any different.”

She embraced him. “Whatever happens next, I’m sure you and Frerin will overcome your problems. Every couple has them and yours are…well…whatever may happen, I am on your side if no one else.”

He smiled again. “Thank you, Dis.”

“Now, let’s go get some food. I am starved and I am sure you are as well.”

#

Thorin handed Frerin a bowl of broth and sat beside him. “Eat up. You’ll need your strength.”

“That I have no doubt,” Frerin said, scooping a bit of the broth into a spoon and tasting it. “What happens next?”

Thorin hummed between bites. “We expect them to ambush us. But there is also the possibility that they won’t. They may attack from the front and since they’ve been spotted coming from the south, it is possible they may attack via Laketown.”

“Hopefully all the Men had evacuated,” Fili said.

“If not, it is not our concern,” Thorin reminded him. “We cannot control the minds and wills of others. Not even if for their own good.”

Fili snorted. “Good thing I don’t want to control minds. Somehow I fear what might happen.”

Thorin nodded. That might be quite…

Well…

He didn’t know.

Frerin ate in silence, staring at the fire. Fili leaned forward.

“Thoughts, Uncle Frerin?”

Frerin looked up, startled at first till he realized that there was no affection in his tone. Frerin swallowed. “What does it matter?”

“Well, I think some people can control minds. They are usually people so twisted that they can twist others to their will—”

“Fili,” Thorin snapped.

“I’m sure darkness takes on many forms,” Frerin said. “Is that not what made Sauron himself so convincing to the Men of Numenor?”

Thorin cleared his throat and leaned over to Frerin. “Don’t let him goad you.”

“He started it.”

“Yes, he did. Do not fall into that trap. I know it’s tempting.”

Frerin sighed. He finished his broth and stood. “I think I’ll turn in early.”

With that, he left and Thorin turned on Fili. “I understand that you do not like him. I don’t care. But I am getting really tired of your treatment of him. Even if you don’t like him, he is still my brother and were you not my nephew…” he took a breath. “What would you do in my place? If someone were to speak in such a way to Kili?”

“Kili would not take my One from me,” Fili snarled. “I don’t fight with my brother. Not the way you do. And I know what I heard. I know what I am seeing. And it is not good, Thorin. It is not good at all.”

“What do you want me to do about it?”

“I don’t know. I just know that what I hope must not be given voice.” He stood. “Goodnight.” Thorin massaged his forehead as Fili walked off. He didn’t understand what had become of his family. True, they fought, but this…this was getting out of hand.

“Thorin!” Frerin yelled.

Thorin looked his way and saw the orcs racing into camp. With a curse, Thorin stood and grabbed Orcrist.

“ _Du Bekar_!” he bellowed.

#

Everywhere he looked, there was the smell of blood and the screams of the dying. It was hard to see in the darkness and Thorin prayed he did not cut down his allies.

In the back of his mind echoed a chant, a prayer that drove him.

_Bilbo…_

_Bilbo…_

_Bilbo…_

If he could live only to see him once more, perhaps that will be enough. Perhaps then he could let go and give up any lingering hope he had that something might…

_Don’t think of it._

A loud scream cut him to the bone and he turned toward it to see a sword poking through Frerin’s back. Thorin roared, rushing at the Orc that slew Frerin, cutting it down before lifting Frerin into his arms and carrying him to safety, shouting for Oin. He set him on a cot and held his hand as Oin inspected the wound and bound it. But with a shake of his head, he told them it was hopeless.

“He’ll bleed out before we get him back to Erebor.”

Thorin squeezed Frerin’s hand and bowed his head. “Twice I have failed you.”

Frerin managed a smile. “You could never fail me, Brother.” He sighed. “Will you stay with me?” Thorin nodded and pressed his forehead to Frerin’s hand. “I know you love him, which is why I know I can trust you’ll take care of him. But tell me this: how much do you regret what you did to him?”

Thorin blinked away the tears so he could look at Frerin clearly. “There is no force on earth that will make right what I did to him that day. Nor is there any way I can atone for giving into my own desire when I had not the right. But do not hold that against him, Frerin. Please, don’t.”

Frerin smiled and squeezed his hand. “I just wish I could tell him I love him one last time.”

Thorin swallowed. “You can. Just hold on a little longer, Frerin. Just a few more hours and you can tell him yourself.” No response. “Frerin?” Thorin reached out with a trembling hand and pressed it to Frerin’s mouth hoping to detect any sign of life. He pressed it to his chest and felt nothing akin to a gentle thrum.

Thorin gently shut Frerin’s eyes and pressed their foreheads together. “Go now to the Halls of our Fathers and may the love of our Maker be with you.”

#

Bilbo tossed and turned. He opened his eyes and stared at the darkness surrounding him. With a sigh, he sat up and fumbled for the matches to light the room and read. He couldn’t shake this feeling he had that something bad was going to happen.

Once the lamp was lit, he grabbed his book and tried to read with little success. In the end, he marked his place, set the book down and went out on the balcony. Something felt wrong. Something was very, very wrong. And he wished he knew what it was. As he leaned on the balcony, he began to weep, wishing he knew what was happening.

_Frerin. My dear Frerin. Please be safe._


	22. Chapter 22

Few of the soldiers returned with Thorin leading them. The dead were carted back and one was pulled by rams bearing what Bilbo had feared to see. He raced to meet them, horror coursing through him.

“Tell me it’s not as bad as it looks!” he demanded when he saw Thorin again. “Tell me I’m overreacting!” Thorin bowed his head. “Thorin!”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want this to…” he took a shuddering breath. “I loved him, too, Bilbo, but there was nothing I could do.”

Bilbo looked at the cart and approached it, lifting the white sheet. Frerin’s eyes were closed. His face and hair were clean. He looked like he was sleeping, if not for how pale he was. Bilbo pulled the sheet further down to see the wound and he bit his lip, trying to stop the whimper that bubbled in the back of his throat.

“He wanted you to know that he loved you,” Thorin said. “And that he regrets not being able to tell you so in person.”

Bilbo covered the fatal wound again and placed his hand on Frerin’s cheek, weeping. He kissed his forehead. “I love you, Frerin. I will always love you.” He turned to Thorin, face twisted in fury as anger overcame him. “Why didn’t you protect him? You promised me you’d protect him!”

“Bilbo—” Thorin began, but Bilbo shoved him, hitting his chest. Thorin held his hand up to the guard and took Bilbo’s wrists in hand.

“You promised!”

“Bilbo, I—”

“No! You told me you’d protect him!”

“I TRIED!!!” Thorin bellowed. “I tried, Bilbo,” he said more quietly. “I didn’t want this any more than you did. There was just nothing I could do to prevent this. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I can’t.” He let go of Bilbo’s wrists and knelt, bowing his head. “I am sorry, Bilbo. I am sorry.”

Bilbo stepped away from him, approaching the cart again…

He turned and left, returning to the rooms he had shared with Frerin and once inside, he locked the door and wept openly and freely till his voice was hoarse. Several times, he heard knocking, but ignored it. Did they not realize that he wanted to be alone?! Did they not realize that now was not a good time to bother him? He didn’t want company. HE wanted his husband.

He wanted Frerin back.

#

“We’ll hold the funeral tomorrow morning,” Dis said. Thorin knew she was trying to stay strong because no one else was really managing it well enough and someone had to…he hated putting this burden on her, but he nodded.

“And Bilbo?”

“I don’t know. He won’t come out and the servants have heard him crying. I wrote a note for him to be tucked under the door explaining his duties tomorrow morning. I added that he’d be pardoned if he did not attend and could visit the tomb any time he wished.”

“Good,” Thorin said. “He deserves to grieve however way he deems appropriate.”

Dis hummed and sat beside him. “You know it’s not your fault what happened. Not then, not now.” Thorin’s breathing shuddered and Dis pulled him into her arms. “I love you, Thorin. We all do. And Frerin loved you.” His shoulders shook as once again he found himself mourning his brother.

#

Bilbo read the note again, making sure he didn’t miss anything about the funeral tomorrow. He kept it out, in case, as he prepared for it. He felt numb. Disassociated. Detached from everything.

Perhaps he was detached. He knew what happened and it felt like a terrible dream he would wake up from soon only to see Frerin sleeping beside him.

And somehow, in the back of his mind, Bilbo knew that that was a lie.

He dressed in black mourning clothes and his marriage braid hung proudly next to his ear as he ventured out of his room for the ceremony. He knew he should eat, but he wasn’t hungry. The very idea of eating left him feeling a little bit ill, in fact.

Bilbo found the tombs and glanced at Thorin once before looking away again.

Thorin cleared his throat. “Will you stand with us?”

“I did not realize I had a choice,” Bilbo said bitterly.

Thorin didn’t respond, but held his hand out. “You are our family, Bilbo, and will remain so for as long as you live.”

“How do I know you did not kill my husband to get to me?” Bilbo snarled. Thorin dropped his hand, looking very much like he had been slapped.

“There are many witnesses who will vow on my behalf that I did not and many more who will stand for my character that I would not hurt my brother in such a way.”

“Not even if it meant you could have me free to marry another? Yourself, perhaps?”

“Bilbo, enough,” Dis said. “We are all mourning. Stand with me if it helps, but attacking Thorin isn’t going to do anyone any good. Least of all you.”

Bilbo turned to her and sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I…” he closed his eyes, shuddering. “I don’t know how this could have happened…” Dis approached him and embraced him. “I want my husband back.”

“I know,” she whispered. “I know.”

“I want him back. Please give him back.”

His breath felt like a fire burning in his mouth and his eyes stung with new tears.

_I want my husband back…_

Dis rubbed his back and led him into the hall. He barely heard Thorin talk through the ceremony, barely noticed how everyone shared in his grief. Barely noticed, well, anything, really.

When the time came, he approached the tomb and touched it.

“May we meet again one day, my heart,” he whispered to the stone. “I wish we could have fixed our problems before…” Bilbo’s tongue felt thick in his mouth and he closed his eyes. “I love you, Frerin. I hope you knew that in the end.”

He returned to his spot beside Dis.

“He did,” Thorin whispered. “He knew.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter. I'll try for longer next week to make up for it, but at this point, I'm not giving any promises...


	23. Chapter 23

Bilbo grieved in private and only in private for the following days as they fought off the Orcs out front. Someone had to manage the rations, after all. It was a slow distraction, but a distraction nonetheless. Aside from Dis, he didn’t see the rest of his family as they were busy with the battles.

Aside from that, the kidnappers and assassins had yet to be captured, keeping the family on edge through the following days.

And so, the tenth day after Frerin’s death came and Bilbo shut the door of his room behind him. It seemed so big now without Frerin.

He leaned against the door and closed his eyes, wondering perhaps if he concentrated enough, it’d really be a dream and he’d feel Frerin’s lips against his.

But while he could guess what he would say and conjure his face in the back of his mind, it wasn’t real. This was not a dream. Bilbo opened his eyes and sighed.

He sniffed and went to make himself something to eat.

He had just settled down at the table with a plate of lemon and rosemary salmon, a couple slices of bread, and a bit of salad when someone knocked on the door. He looked up and blinked, slightly annoyed. He set the fork down and went to the door.

Thorin stood outside. “I had not seen you for a while. I…everyone was worried.”

“Oh. Does that mean that the others are about to bombard me again?”

“No. No, I promise they won’t. But…well, they wanted me to request your presence at dinner tomorrow night. Just a small get together for the company. It’s the anniversary of when we met.”

“Oh. Um. Yes, I’ll be there. Thank you. But…why you?”

Thorin’s brows rose and he blinked.

Bilbo winced. “That was badly worded. I apologize, what I meant was…why did they send you to tell me? I’m sure you’ve better things to do and any one of them could have come and told me about tomorrow.”

“Ah. Yes…I wanted to. Simple as that. We’ve just about pushed them back, so you know.”

Bilbo nodded. “Good to know.” He managed a small smile. “Goodnight, Thorin.”

“Goodnight,” Thorin said, he stepped away from the door, moving toward his room and Bilbo closed it, heading over to eat his dinner.

_I think I’ll have a drink tonight._

#

“Did you tell him?” Bofur asked the following morning.

Thorin nodded. “He said he’d be there. I’m sure you and Nori will make sure he keeps that promise.”

“Gladly,” Bofur said with a wide grin.

“Just…be considerate. He doesn’t…his eyes are just so red.”

“As red as yours?”

“He was his husband.”

“And your brother. Sure you had some slip ups and for a while everyone thought you hated Frerin, but nah. You loved him as much as I love Bombur. ‘Course, he didn’t take my One nor would I dream of taking his. And we’re definitely not functional.”

“I can believe that…”

“Look, one way or another, he’s free again.”

“No, he’s not,” Thorin said. “When he’s done mourning maybe, but for now I just want to be there for him as his brother-in-law and as a friend. I love him, but now is not the time to…I can’t even think of it. I love him, but I’m not going to take advantage of this.”

Bofur clapped his shoulder. “Good answer, my liege. I’ll see you tonight. Got to get to the barracks.”

“You do that. I’ll see you at dinner tonight, Bofur.”

“Aye. See you tonight,” he repeated, heading down the stairs.

Thorin pinched the bridge of his nose and massaged his eyes, glancing down at the Orcs camped outside. How are they going to get rid of them?

#

Bombur finished setting the table when Bofur and Nori entered with Bilbo. Bilbo looked a little smaller than usual, but not worryingly so.

Still, Bombur firmly believed in fattening one up no matter what the season and occasion.

“This looks amazing, Bombur,” Bilbo said, smiling.

“Thank you, Bilbo,” he said, sitting down.

The chair squeaked under his weight and he leaned back.

“We’re waiting on the others. Should be here any moment now.” He reached for a bread roll as Bilbo sat at one end of the table.

Bofur and Nori lifted him up and moved him down one chair, managing to bring a laugh out.

“You’re sitting with us, Lad,” Bofur said. “No ifs or buts about it.”

“Lucky me,” Bilbo said, laughing. “Is there any wine?”

“Yup,” Nori said, pouring each of them a glass.

The doors opened and a few others entered, laughing and chatting. Bilbo spotted Thorin and smiled, raising his glass to his lips.

He supposed this would be quite the party if he recalled what happened his at his house five (six?) years ago correctly.


	24. Chapter 24

Dinner was as festive and loud as it had been the first time Bilbo dined with them in Bag End with the added difference in that he found himself throwing bread and meat along with them. They cheered and patted his back, encouraging him to more mischief.

They sang as well, pulling out their instruments and striking a merry tune. At one time, Bilbo jumped on the table and taught them a drinking song from the Shire:

_Hey, ho, to the bottle I go,_

_To heal my heart and drown my woe!_

_Rain may fall and wind may blow,_

_But there still be many miles to go!_

_Sweet is the sound of the pouring rain,_

_And stream that falls from hill to plain!_

_Better than rain or rippling brook,_

_Is a mug of beer inside this Took!_

_Strange and dark is the world outside,_

_But in the pub we've naught to hide!_

_With lots of ale, and barley wine,_

_This evenin' is surpassin' fine!_

_Harvest's in and cold without,_

_An' hobbits strong are hobbits stout!_

_Naught to fear, and naught to think,_

_For hobbits now have ale to drink!_

_The Shire lays right down to sleep,_

_In slumber long and slumber deep!_

_Hushed be hobbit lass and lad,_

_With faces plump and faces glad!_

_A land of peace and a hobbit hole_

_And in a pouch a pipeweed roll!_

_Never falter, never fear,_

_For the Shire will always be here!_

The Dwarves cheered and urged Bilbo to sing other drinking songs for them. He obliged and took another mug of beer before beginning another song. Bofur joined him and together they danced on the tables.

Bilbo had not done anything so childish nor ludicrous since his tweens and early adulthood. He had grown out of dancing on tables and drinking at the Dragon by his forties, sorrow for his mother’s death and bitterness from his peers rejecting him for being so strange drove him away to his stuffy Baggins-like life. And now he was doing it again, fifty-five years old, with Dwarves…

My! How he has changed.

#

Thorin’s eyes watched him as he sang and danced with Bofur, captivated by the flush in his cheeks and the smile on his face. Aye, some of it was certainly the drink, but not all of it, surely. He’d not seen Bilbo so happy in a long time and it was beautiful.

He was beautiful.

His hair was sun rays and his eyes were the sky above the grass. His skin was tanned and freckled, like the sand and earth meeting.

It was strange, usually a Dwarf would automatically think of gems and stones that would best describe their lovers. Yet when Thorin looked at Bilbo, it made more sense to think of living things, things you can feel and that flutter in the wind. Things that come and go each passing day. Not immortal and long living, but things soft and hard at the same time.

For that was Bilbo. Soft and hard all at once. Strong and gentle, too.

Close enough to touch and yet too far to reach.

 _One day I will be worthy of you again_ , Thorin thought as Bilbo danced with Bofur, arms locked together as they spun around. _I promise._

They lost their balance and together, Bofur and Bilbo fell off the table, arms flailing and shouting.

“Bilbo! Bofur!” Kili shouted as they surrounded them.

“Get back!” Oin shouted. “Give them some air!” He knelt over them.

“Ow,” Bofur muttered, rubbing his head. Bilbo groaned when Oin took a look at him.

“Well, Bofur’s fine,” he announced. “Bilbo, on the other hand, I’m afraid you might get a concussion. That’s quite a bump forming on your head.”

“Ugh, damn.”

Thorin approached and helped him up. “Can he be moved?”

“Aye, but carefully. I want him monitored and I don’t want him sleeping for the next few hours.”

“Double damn,” Bilbo said. “What happens if I do?”

“Well…if you’re lucky, nothing, but if this is a concussion, you could slip into a death-sleep.”

“Oh, that is bad.”

“Indeed.”

“I’ll stay with him,” Kili offered. “Make sure he doesn’t fall asleep.”

“I think you’d just make it worse,” Dori muttered.

“And you won’t?”

“At least I’ll make sure he relaxes!”

“Yeah, that’s important for head injuries. Nothing strenuous on both body and mind,” Oin said.

And like that, a fight broke out over who could help him relax more. In the end, Thorin approached Bilbo and helped him up.

“Can you walk?”

“I think so.”

“I’ll keep you company if that’s okay.”

Bilbo bit his lip and nodded. “It’s okay.”

Thorin released the breath he’d been holding and led Bilbo away, trying not to crowd him as they left the dining room. Once at Bilbo’s room, he cleared his throat. “Are you still okay with me being here?”

“Yes,” Bilbo said. “It’s fine.” With that, he led him inside. “If I change my mind, I’ll just let you know. Yeah?”

“All right,” Thorin said, shutting the door behind them.

“Would you like something to drink?”

“No, thank you. I think we _both_ should abstain from more alcohol for now. Especially you, given Oin will want to make sure you’re well later.”

“Yes, I’m sure he will,” Bilbo said, sitting on the couch while Thorin took the chair. They sat in silence for a long time, staring at the crackling fire.

“I miss him,” Thorin said. “I missed him every day before he came back with you and then I was…shocked, angry, jealous…” he sighed. “I had not been a good brother since. I tried to be and I failed.”

“I know,” Bilbo said. “I failed as a husband…we both did.”

“Do you regret kissing me?”

Bilbo bit his lip and looked at his feet, chin on his knees. “Would it hurt you if I said yes?”

“No. I regret it, too. I told him you were loyal beyond fault and then that happened. I love you, but I shouldn’t have kissed you.”

Bilbo hummed. “I shouldn’t have kissed you back, but the truth is I still loved you too. I do love you. But I am… _was_ married to Frerin. And I loved him just as much.”

“I know,” Thorin said.

“Did he love me in the end? I know I was losing him after that and I was trying to glue it back together with very little success.”

“Not everyone can overcome the betrayal they feel when someone they love hurts them like we did. I know I wouldn’t. I would still love you with all my heart, but it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be hurt.”

“Same. And yet, somehow, that’s all we ever managed to do to each other. I had hoped…I just…with Frerin, I didn’t have to worry about the next time I’d hurt you or you’d hurt me. I could just love him and be happy. Or, at least I could.”

He closed his eyes and hid his face in his knees, breath shuddering and shoulders shaking. Thorin wanted to embrace him and kiss him, so he dug his nails into the palms of his hands and closed his eyes, hoping the pain would hurt more than Bilbo’s crying.

It didn’t.

“He did love you, Bilbo. He might not have shown it well or properly, but I have no doubt that he loved you in his own way.”

“So now what?” Bilbo asked, wiping his eyes on the back of his sleeve. “Do I just live the rest of my life alone?”

“No. I do not believe that is your fate. I would not have that be your fate. My heart and life are yours for when you want it…when you are ready for it. Now is poor timing for both of us. But I know that you know I love you and I will be here for you if you need me.”

Bilbo nodded, shuddering as he reached for his handkerchief.

“I miss him, too.” Thorin cautiously moved closer. “May I hug you? Offer you some comfort?”

Bilbo nodded again and rested his head on Thorin’s chest. Thorin dragged his fingers through his hair and let him weep. He wanted to kiss him and he dared not.

_Have I not disrespected him enough?_

When Bilbo’s tears ended, Thorin offered to make tea.

“Do you know how?”

“I do, surprisingly. It’s not that hard to boil water and I find it soothing in the morning. Don’t tell the others, though. Fili and Kili don’t think it odd, actually…”

“Oh good. That means they too are in a habit of drinking tea.”

Thorin snorted. “I’ll be right back.”

“Okay. Thorin.”

He turned to Bilbo. “Yes?”

“Thank you,” Bilbo said, managing a little smile. It was like the sun peeking from the clouds after rain and rain still falling yet.

“You’re welcome.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “The Hobbit Drinking Song” by Billy Boyd  
> http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/billy_boyd/hobbit_drinking_song_the_whole_song.html


	25. Chapter 25

“No concussion,” Oin declared the following morning. Bilbo slumped his shoulders, relieved. “You’ll still need something for that bump, but for now, I would go ahead and get some rest. You look like you could use it.”

“I could,” Bilbo said, smiling. “Thank you, Oin.”

Oin grunted and handed him a salve. “Put this on the bump twice a day. It’ll help it go down." Bilbo nodded and was dismissed. He returned to his bedroom and met Thorin at the door.

“I didn’t expect to see you again so soon.”

“I wanted to know what Oin had to say…”

“Oh,” Bilbo said. “Just a bump. I’ll be fine. Now I’m going to catch up on much needed sleep.”

“All right. Dis or Kili will likely take care of your duties till you’re well enough to take over again.” Bilbo nodded. “As for myself, Fili and I must return to the battle.” Bilbo tensed. “We’ll be careful,” Thorin said, as though sensing Bilbo’s fear. You won’t lose more of your family.”

“Don’t promise me. The last time you promised me something, it didn’t exactly go well.”

Thorin nodded and sighed. “I will do what I can nevertheless.”

“I know you will.”

Thorin kissed his forehead. “Till we meet again, _Ghivasha._ ” Before Bilbo could react, Thorin swept past him and disappeared around the corner.

#

He had a strange dream. A dream where he dined with friendly Orcs and Goblins as well as the other races. Azog crooned a love song of some sort…

When Bilbo woke, he felt not only well rested but hardly remembered any of the details of his dream. Except Azog singing. That was too strange to ever forget.

Besides, there were more important things to worry about than odd dreams. Like food. After applying a salve, Bilbo was hungry and left for the royal kitchens, not feeling much like cooking. He almost knocked right into Dis, who gave him a small smile and a hug.

“I heard you hurt yourself.”

“It’s just a bump. I’m going to get breakfast if you’d like to join me.”

“I was heading down for a snack, but I suppose you’re quite hungry now, aren’t you.”

“I am.”

“Then I will join you.”

Bilbo beamed, “Wonderful! How’s Kili’s recovery?”

Dis hummed, linking her arm around Bilbo’s. “He’s well enough to fight and continues to lead the archers on the wall. He’d rather be down in the fray, though. Reckless boy!”

“Reckless but noble,” Bilbo agreed. “He’s a good lad.”

“I know,” she sighed. “I just wish he and Fili didn’t try to drive me to an early grave with all their madness. And Thorin doesn’t help much.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t, but he loves them just the same.”

“Ah yes, _that_ I know beyond a doubt. Before we regained our title, Thorin was often mistaken as their father. Quite unsettling.”

Bilbo could see how that would be considered unsettling. “Do you know when they’ll be back?”

“I’m afraid not. Likely they’ll remain on the field till the war is won.”

Bilbo had feared as much…


	26. Chapter 26

Thorin slammed his shoulder into an Orc and slid Orcrist into its belly.

The Orc gurgled, spitting blood, and fell to the ground in a quivering heap till it died. The remaining orcs ran southward and Thorin listened to the joyous cheers of his armies.

They may celebrate, but himself?

He could not bring himself to cheer or sing. Still, he led his Dwarves home to Erebor and met with his family, Fili grinning beside him in their victory.

“Welcome home, Brother,” Dis said, pressing her forehead to his.

Thorin hummed, closing his eyes. “Good to be home.” He turned to address the crowd. “Tomorrow night, we feast!” This was met with loud, hearty cheers. He turned away from the crowd and looked about, frowning. “Where is Bilbo?”

Dis lowered her eyes. “I asked him to come and he refused, saying he had no one to greet. I tried to tell him that was not true, but…”

Thorin sighed. “I will see him after I bathe,” he said. “I could use one and I don’t…I don’t think he’d like to see me in dirt and blood.”

“I’m sure he’s seen you worse, but I understand,” she said.

Dis squeezed his shoulder and led her boys away, grousing over the state of their hair. Fili, especially, was getting the brunt of Dis’ attack. Thorin managed a small smile at that and went to his chambers.

Through his bath and cleansing, he wondered what he’d say to Bilbo when he saw him next.

At last, he felt presentable and went to Bilbo’s chambers. He paused, hand raised, and listened to the broken sobs within. Thorin gasped and pressed his forehead to Bilbo’s door.

“ _Amrâlimê_ ,” he whispered. “ _Ghivasha_.” _If only I could ease your pain, my beloved._

He wanted to enter through that threshold, lift Bilbo into his arms and simply comfort him till his tears were no more. His own eyes watered and his throat felt tight.

_I loved him, too, Bilbo. How could I not love him? He was my brother._

After a few minutes, it became a decision of going inside uninvited or leaving. Against his better judgement, Thorin decided to leave, knowing Bilbo wouldn’t like the intrusion given his current state.

#

Bilbo tried to muffled his sobs with a pillow, but this room held a few too many memories. And many of which he did not like. He faintly heard Thorin mumbling outside his room and despite how he wanted to stop, he couldn’t.

In the end, he heard heavy footsteps recede and he struggled to his feet before opening the door and chasing after him. He embraced Thorin, face pressed to the King’s back.

“I can’t stay in that room anymore,” he whimpered, unsure if Thorin understood. “I can’t…I can’t stop crying. It’s as bad as it was when you cast me aside.”

Thorin turned around and knelt, cupping Bilbo’s face in his hands. “I will never be worthy of you for doing that to you when I love you so much. But I know now is not a good time for us.”

“I agree. I need you as a friend for now.”

“Then I’ll be your friend until you can have me as your lover again. And it will take a little time to get you settled into a new compartment, but we can do it. We won, Bilbo. We drove the Orcs away. We are safe again. Will you come to the feast tomorrow night?”

Bilbo nodded, chuckling weakly. “As if I could turn down an opportunity to eat,” he said. Thorin smiled, wanting to kiss him and hold him. Instead, he pressed their foreheads together.

“I am unworthy of you, Bilbo Baggins, but all that I am is at your disposal.” Bilbo nodded, breathing shuddering. “Is it okay if I stay with you for a little bit? I do not like the idea of you mourning alone.”

Bilbo nodded again and Thorin stood, following him into the room and embraced Bilbo, as he wept, every so often, Frerin’s name passed his lips.


	27. Chapter 27

The feast was as rowdy as the last one and while Bilbo laughed and danced with relatives, friends, and a few others, there was a small feeling of depression still nestled in his heart. His smile didn’t quite reach his ears and his eyes’ glimmer had dimmed a bit.

He knew it was noticed in his friends’ and family’s worried, nonverbal inquiries. He’d force himself to smile and danced harder. Only Dis arched her brow. _I know you’re lying_ , she seemed to be saying.

Well, he didn’t want to talk. Was that so bad?

After Dis, he danced with Thorin again, who noticed, of course, but never made a noise or a gesture asking after it. For that, Bilbo was thankful.

“I found a room with a good amount of sunlight for you and a balcony. If you like, we could convert it into a greenhouse for you.”

“Dwarves don’t care for gardens.”

“You are not a Dwarf. You’re a Hobbit, and I hope that it would give you some comfort at least until it’s safe to go back to the Shire.”

“I don’t know if I want to…” Bilbo admitted. “All that is there for me is memories and misery. Or are you going to send me back against my will?” He glared at Thorin, as though daring him to try. Thorin shook his head.

“No,” he said. “I will never do that again. I never meant to in the first place. I had meant to apologize and lift the banishment, unfairly placed. I was mad and also heartbroken. I know now you did what you deemed right, and you were right. I meant to ask your forgiveness, knowing very well that I may have lost your love and your trust forever. I meant to ask you to stay, if only as a friend and an advisor. Maybe even an ambassador. You earned a place here in Erebor.”

Thorin swallowed. “And if anyone is unworthy of your friendship, let alone your love, it is me. Could I do it over again, I would beg for your hand in a heartbeat.” He stepped away. “And with that, I’ve overstepped my bounds. I’m not Frerin. I know that. And I’m sorry you lost him. I know the pain.”

He swallowed again, eyes shining with unshed tears as they had when he learned Bilbo had taken the stone, but unlike then, he was not masking his hurt with anger. “I’ll see what I can do to get your belongings from Bag End to here.”

“Thank you,” Bilbo said. “I would like that.”

Thorin bowed. “Then it will be done.” He turned on his heel and left, hand raised to his head.

#

 _How much longer am I going to be able to watch him mourn? Will I ever be able to make things right for us?_ Thorin had ached to steal Bilbo away and envelope him in his arms, just to hold him and let him know he was not alone in his sorrow.

He wanted to kiss his tears away and pretend they fell for someone else. He wanted to see his smile again and he wanted it to be for him and him alone.

Mahal!

Thorin wanted to do everything and anything for Bilbo. He was ready to die for Erebor, but for Bilbo, he would live. And he did live. He still lived for him. Even when he was a world away, even when he was married to his brother, he lived for Bilbo.

He even screamed at Frerin about it.

_HE IS MY ONE!!!_

And, oh!

It was the truth. Bilbo was his One. Bilbo was the sunlight peeking through the stormy clouds, the first ray of dawn that climbed over the mountains and warmed his face.

And yet, his Sun had dimmed, it had grown cold and pale in his sorrow. Thorin blamed himself. Had he not kissed Bilbo, Frerin and Bilbo wouldn’t have had any problems. Had he stayed closer to Frerin, he wouldn’t have died and left Bilbo to mourn him.

He also blamed Frerin. They fought. They didn’t have to fight in front of Bilbo. They didn’t have to fight _over_ Bilbo.

 _It’s just a little while longer_ , he reminded himself. _Let Bilbo mourn Frerin before you do anything else stupid._ Thorin pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. He felt a presence behind him and spun around to see Bilbo.

“Are you all right, Thorin?”

“I am,” he said, smiling at Bilbo. “I’m more worried about you, you know.” Bilbo nodded.

“Well, I guess that’s that. I’m…uh…I’m going to call it a night.”

“Would you like me to walk you back to your room?”

Bilbo hummed, then clicked his tongue. “I don’t see why not.”

They walked side by side in silence back to Bilbo’s room. Thorin’s hands were curled into fists in attempt to keep them from reaching out and taking one of Bilbo’s.

“You know, Thorin,” Bilbo sighed. “A part of me thinks I’ve settled for Frerin. I loved him and he didn’t infuriate me like you did. With him, I was safe and I was happy, but…I think I lost a little bit of the passion I had with you. You were…exciting, I think. And forbidden, in a way.”

“Bilbo…”

“Please, can I at least finish talking?” He took one of Thorin’s hands. “I just don’t want to be alone anymore, so I settled for Frerin. It was close enough to what I wanted and I did manage to love him. But he wasn’t you. You…stupidly stubborn, enraging and stoic, foolish and handsome…and yet I was just some Hobbit you picked up and brought along anyway only to break me apart and put me back together and break me apart again. I should, by all right, hate you, but I can’t seem to…”

“I never meant to make you feel that way. It hurt me to because I knew who you were the moment I met you and I didn’t want you to come because I knew that while I could not guarantee that you’d survive, I would sure as hell ensure it if I could. Did we not hurt each other enough?”

“More than enough,” Bilbo agreed. “And I can’t take the loneliness anymore. It’s…”

“I know. But, Bilbo, please, don’t rush into another relationship because you want to forget. I’m here and I will wait. And at least…Frerin was your husband, if for a short time. Does he not deserve…”

“It’s not that! It’s not…I was ready to live the rest of my life alone before you and _after_. And then there was Frerin and now he’s gone and I’m sure it was only going to get worse and…and…I don’t want to have sex, Thorin. I want someone to hold me. I want you to hold me. Can I at least have that?”

Thorin sighed. “I can do that. I fear for my sanity because you drive me _mad_ , Bilbo Baggins, but I can do that.” Bilbo smiled. It faded quickly and he gasped.

From there, Thorin felt sharp pain, heard Bilbo scream, and all went black.


	28. Chapter 28

Thorin woke to a pained scream, confused, but clearly able to make out Bilbo biting a Dwarf’s hand. He might not understand, but it was enough to know that Bilbo never attacked needlessly. He shouted in Khuzdul, head pounding. The Dwarf pushed Bilbo off him and a second Dwarf kicked him in the belly. Bilbo gasped for breath, bent over. Thorin bellowed again, struggling against his own bonds and screamed at them. One approached him and backhanded him.

“Shut up, Oakenshield.” Thorin spat blood out of his mouth and coughed.

“Do not touch him again.”

The Dwarf chuckled. “You heard him Dirholf. Leave the Halfling be.” 

“Gladly,” Dirholf growled, still examining his hand. Thorin could not tell if the skin was broken, but he knew Bilbo could bite hard if he wanted to. Really hard.

 _Now is not the time to think of it_ …

“Now that you’re awake, I might as well explain why we’re doing this, your _majesty_ ,” the unnamed Dwarf said, kneeling. “You allowed an outsider into the royal family when you should have cast your brother aside and disowned him for marrying outside his race.”

“So you think that the love of a Dwarf should not be given to a Hobbit? Or an Elf? Or a Man, for that matter? What of the hundreds of Dwarves who find their One in them? For a time, my nephew loved an Elf, but it was not to be. It happens. I might not have liked it, but I would not speak against it. I would _never_ deny my family love because who they love is, as you say, an _outsider_.”

“And even when he died for sure, this time, you allowed the Halfling sanctuary!”

“The _Hobbit_ is here,” Bilbo snarled. “And I’ve just as much a right to be here than anyone else. I’m the Burglar of the Company of Thorin Oakenshield, am I not? I’m actually quite the honorary Dwarf already, even without a marriage to a Dwarf.”

“See? I’ve done nothing wrong,” Thorin said.

“Actually, Oakenshield,” Dirholf said. “We caught you and the Hobbit a few times. Quite an affectionate pair you are, aren’t you? Even when you’re not going behind anyone’s backs. Not very subtle.”

“I bet you fucked him, hmm?”

“Don’t see the appeal myself. No beard. Pointy ears.” Dirholf sneered. “Completely ugly.”

Thorin growled and was slapped again. “What would royalty be doing fucking something so hideous to begin with? Or are you just attracted to hideous things? Like that Elf your nephew liked?”

“Come on, Treri,” Dirholf said. “Let me cut the Halfling’s throat already.”

Thorin felt chills crawl up his spine. They meant to kill Bilbo? Perhaps him, too. Thorin tried to get to his feet and put himself between Bilbo and Dirholf. His feet, also bound, could not obey him and Thorin fell, banging his chin against the stone.

“Well, I think he knows enough of why we’re doing this. Perhaps this will teach the Royal family not to mix blood with outsiders.”

“Please,” Thorin said. “Please don’t. He’s my One. I love him! Please…”

“So unlike you, Oakenshield!” Treri exclaimed. “Begging does not suit you.”

Bilbo looked pale in the dim light, but not once did he speak since being told they were going to murder him. Dirholf gripped his hair. “Not going to say anything, Halfling? Not going to beg for your life?”

“You’re not worth begging to,” Bilbo sneered. “Kill me or don’t. You’ll meet your end soon enough.”

“Bilbo,” Thorin said. “I’m sorry. I never meant for…”

“A lot of things were not meant to happen,” Bilbo said. “But they did anyway and I truly hope there is a reason for it. One way or another, Thorin, I want you to know I couldn’t stop loving you if I tried. I know that because I did try.” He managed a smile. “I love you, Thorin.”

Dirholf seized his hair and yanked. Bilbo yelped and a knife was pressed to his throat. Thorin bellowed and Treri stepped on him between his shoulder blades, pinning Thorin down.

“Don’t worry, you can join him if you like. We’ll leave that to you, Oakenshield.”

“I found them!” A voice echoed off the wall. Another grunted a yell as though throwing something heavy. The door Thorin had not noticed broke down and Dori entered first with Dwalin and Bofur beside him. Bofur swung his mattock at Dirholf, sending him back against a wall. A knife sliced through the air, embedding in Dirholf’s neck. He gasped and slumped to the ground.

“Good thing we found you before anyone lost their head,” Nori said, untying Bilbo’s bonds as Dwalin got to Thorin.

“How…”

“Oh, we’ve been looking for _hours_ ,” Bofur said. “Fili and Kili stayed behind with Dis since she didn’t want them getting kidnapped either. Are you two all right, otherwise?”

Thorin glanced at Bilbo. “Could be worse,” Bilbo said. Thorin nodded, chuckling.

“What do we do with this one?” Dori asked, Treri’s hands pinned behind his back. Thorin arched a brow at him and sneered.

“Take him to the dungeons. We’ll arrange a trial for him. Treason and conspiracy to regicide. Nori, Dwalin, do what you must to find out what else he had planned and if he intended to kill others of my family.”

“Gladly,” Dwalin said, cracking his knuckles.

“Come on, lad,” Bofur said, putting his coat over Bilbo’s shoulders. “You’re shaking like a leaf in wind.”

“I thought I was going to die, so give me a bit,” Bilbo said. “Thank you all. Your timing couldn’t have been more perfect!”

“Thorin shouting helped. Though they’re right. The begging was very out of character,” Nori said.

Thorin blushed. “Not a word to the others.”

“Oh hush. Nothing wrong with begging when you’re afraid you’re going to watch your One die,” Dori said. Dwalin nodded.

“Had it been me and Ori, I’d toss all bravery to the wind if I thought it’d save him.”

On the bright side, you’re both safe, you’re both going home, and Oin will definitely want to take a look at you. As for Thorin begging, we’ll do our best to keep it secret,” Nori said. He smirked. “But you know, your sister can be quite convincing. She might find out anyway.”

The others nodded and Bilbo laughed till tears started to fall.

“Come on, lads,” Bofur said. “We best get our king and burglar to the infirmary before they start losing their marbles.”

“Shut up, Bofur,” Thorin muttered.


	29. Chapter 29

Bilbo and Thorin could not lead the trial, but Dis could, and she did so shrewdly. With honest report and strong stature, Dis led the trial—a three day event!—and in the end, Treri’s beard was shorn. He was banished and led out of the mountain.

“That should teach them not to mess with our Hobbit,” Bofur said as they watched him leave. He swung his arm around Bilbo’s shoulders and hugged him, nearly choking Bilbo.

“Bofur! Can’t breathe!”

“Sorry! Sorry!” he loosened his hold. “Better?”

“Much. Thank you.”

Dwalin cleared his throat. “This calls for a celebration,” he declared.

“I most humbly agree!” Bofur shouted. “Dori’s hosting!”

“Oi! I don’t serve liquor!”

“Fine! Bombur is then.”

“Better beer and better food,” Nori said. “Count me in.”

“Hilarious,” Dori muttered, glaring at him.”

The others laughed and Bilbo grinned. “I’ll help make food, if that’s all right.”

“If you like,” Bombur said.

“I would.” The others cheered and clapped his back. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Thorin watching them. When eye contact was made, Thorin smiled gently and disappeared down the hall. Bilbo frowned and excused himself.

“I think you’re invited as well,” he told him. Thorin looked at him.

“I know. And I’ll be there. I just…I know I’ve said this before and it likely needs no saying, but I love you. I know it is inappropriate yet for me to declare any intent to court but—”

“It’s still too soon, for both of us. We love each other, and I wish that was all that we needed. Anywhere else, it probably would be.” Bilbo swallowed. “But I’m not leaving. And I know you won’t leave either. Why not…why not let me initiate a courtship when we’re ready? When the time is right and all is well again?”

Thorin smiled. “I would like nothing more.”

~Three Months Later~

Bilbo laid a wreath of flowers on top of Frerin’s tomb. He sighed, tracing the runes spelling Frerin’s name.

“When my mourning period is done, I think I’ll ask Thorin if he’d allow me to court him,” he said. “I know that my relationship with him, both past and present, made you insecure, but know I loved you and Thorin both just as he loved us. Differently, of course, but still…”

Bilbo glanced at his wreath. Apple blossoms for promise, begonias for deep thoughts, white carnations and forget-me-nots for remembrance, and geraniums for comfort. He touched the petals.

“I love you, but I don’t want to be alone, Frerin. I hope you can understand that. You’re gone, so…” He swallowed. “I hope you’ll forgive me.”

He stepped away from the tomb and returned to the ground level, nearly running into Dis. “Sorry! I didn’t see you.”

“Neither did I,” she said. “I was actually looking for you. The Yuletide Festival begins next week and I was thinking we should incorporate some Hobbit traditions into it. Thorin agreed.”

“That sounds lovely. I’d be glad to help.” He exchanged a grin with Dis, who looped her arm around his and led him to her office.

“Now, how would Hobbits celebrate Yuletide?”

“Well…”

#

Thorin examined the bead again. Emerald, green as the front door to Bilbo’s Hobbit Hole back in the Shire, gleamed in the firelight. It was lined and encased in silver. It was early, but it had been finished. So that left him some time to adjust it if he wished. Or even make a new one if he grew unsatisfied with it.

Thorin sighed and put the bead in a pouch. His hands shook and he took a deep, calming breath. He wouldn’t lose him again. He wouldn’t destroy everything they had again. Why take that risk? Bilbo was here and he was available…or would be in a few more months.

A year ago, nearly, he started conversing with Bilbo again, told Bilbo he still loved him and that he was sorry. And had his heart ripped out yet again, believing he lost Bilbo forever to another.

Even now, the thought, the very memory, grew a lump in his throat. Thorin licked his lips and closed his eyes. In a few more months, he could court him. Try again. And for all that Mahal made good, he would not fail again!

 _This may very well be my last chance to be happy with him_ , Thorin thought, _Please give me the strength not to mess it up._

He was pulled out of his prayer by a knock on the door.

“Uncle! Bilbo and Amad are conspiring for the Yuletide Festival! We need backup! Quick!” Kili shouted. Thorin smiled.

“All right, I’m coming to the rescue, my lad. Just one moment.”

“We don’t have a moment! There’s going to be vegetables if we don’t stop them!”

Thorin put his coat on and opened the door, wrapping an arm around Kili’s neck. “As long as I am king, there will never be vegetables at a yuletide feast! We must stop them at all costs. Aye, Nephew?”

“Aye!”

“Where’s your brother?”

“Already there. He needs reinforcements!”

“Then hurry on and tell him I’m coming, then get the company. If we’re going to stop Dis _and_ Bilbo, we’ll need all the reinforcements we can get!”

“Yes, my lord Uncle!” Kili laughed. He pulled out of Thorin’s headlock and ran off. Thorin grinned at Kili’s retreating form.

Indeed, things were starting to look up, if just a little.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I know it divulged into Bagginshield, which I had not initially intended, but I'm not all that surprised. It's my OTP afterall...anyway, I know the trial was rushed, but I am just horrid at writing court-room drama. (Meaning I should write something that is just a courtroom drama to get better at it...hmm...) 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked it and all!


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